Anxiety about University

[team_nobody]

I just started a visual Arts Degree at a local university. Its only week three and I am lost and have no Idea what I should be up to.
I have asked other students but they dont offer much insight.
I feel bad for constantly emailing the lecturer who would probably be disappointed to know how lost I am and unmotivated, I barely hear a word she says. All I want to do is smoke weed and stay in my bed.
I dont want to do any of this work even if it can be fun. I feel like I dont care anymore but if I quit the depression will get worse, life will get worse.
I went back because people believe in me as an artist and to try and find my way in life.
I dont feel like I have any other options; Im not really good at anything else cant even hold down a shitty job.
The worst part is that I am sick, I have PMDD.
I have my period every second week and the migraines are back. Half the time I am too tired to get out of bed and am having emotional outbursts like never before. I feel like I am totally out of control. Everyone keeps saying dont quit you can do this..but I cant.
I am on the mini pill but its not doing anything and will get back to the GP when I can be bothered having another lecture.
I dumped my boyfriend last weekend because he went a bit cold on me. I cant stand the idea of being abandoned so I run. I know I am not good enough for him, thats why he is so interested in every other girl he will end up leaving me in the end.
Now I have two days to get 2 weeks of course work back on track, I am looking at third year students and the amount of pressure and work on them and I know deep down I am not going to make it.
Centrelink have only just started paying me Austudy, after not getting paid properly for 2 weeks.
I feel like this is my last chance to get a degree I have tried and failed before.
If I dont do this I have nothing in life. I am on the edge; feel purposeless and emotionally unsupported scared and confused.
I am so lost with the course work and drained I am just sitting on my bed crying and dying to go back to sleep but there is so much noise outside I am tempted to self-harm.
I am afraid I will let everyone down again and just want to disappear, I hate myself.
They all expect too much and I am too tired to deliver anymore.
Im not that good at art anyway, not good enough at anything.

[Croix]

Dear Team N~

Welcome here, you will notice I've shortened you name as you are not a nobody, my apologies if that was wrong of me.

You sound in a pretty bad way at the moment and are judging yourself very harshly. One of the big mistakes I've made in the past, and I suspect you are making now, is to use everyday standards to judge oneself when one is ill. It simply is inappropriate and leads to great disappointment, feelings of failure and lack of self worth - hopelessness.

You are ill, you have PMDD, and I don't need to tell you all the clinical symptoms one can have - or the fact it can keep on going on and on. I strongly suspect you have depression as well, a lot you talk about rings bells with me. No I'm not a doctor, just someone looking at myself and comparing.

I'm sure I'm telling you what you already intellectually know, with all that on your shoulders even the littlest things can seem just about impossible, and if you set your targets as if you were well you are setting yourself up for failure - and all that entails.

I'm sorry about your GP, it sounds as if you are not hitting it off. Just being lectured tends to be counter-productive. Self-medication on weed might seem like a good idea short term but I very much doubt it is a good move. Please do not let the fact I'm personally not keen on cannabis stop you from weighting what else I'm saying.

Your really do need a supportive understanding medical team, and if you do not have one now please try elsewhere, a second opinion if you like. My PTSD, anxiety and depression - plus suicidal thoughts - only got worse until I had the right combination of meds and therapy.

You have, on top of illness, a great deal of pressure on you, some from you, but it looks like some from others too. Embarking on a uni degree at the moment might simply be wrong. Thinking of letting others down is all very well, but you have to be in a position to perform, and it does not seem like you are right now.

Never mind if others think you are an artist, or have over-optimistic ideas of your capabilities when ill. Do you think - academic studies to one side- you have created art, ever enjoyed the creation, or felt satisfaction if a work turned out well? That is enough.

One post is too short to talk about all the things you raise. I do hope you feel encouraged enough to talk more, even if you disagree.

Croix