Anxiety about sexual matters

[NZthrower]

Hello everyone! What has been really bothering me quite a bit has to do with me analysing numerous attitudes surrounding sex. One common attitude is the idea of saving sex before marriage. Owing to my religious upbringing, it is a pretty deeply entrenched attitude and I have been recently questioning it. I have been asking myself what exactly is wrong with premarital sex? A common analogy I have been exposing myself to is the idea that having premarital sex with someone is like chewing a piece of gum, once you lose your virginity, you're worth less just like how a stick of gum is worth less after you chew it. This implies that entering into a relationship with someone who has already had sex before marriage is like eating a piece of gum that's been already chewed. I have been learning how this can be damaging to people, as it can prevent rape victims from speaking up or seeking help. Even when I was relatively religious, I still made an exception for rape since I understood that the victim didn't willing give up her/his virginity. This has been giving me quite a bit of stress, as two sides of me come into conflict with one another.

Another problem I have been struggling with is promiscuity and porn use. I have been using porn on average once per day/two days. One common message that I have been taught is that promiscuity is bad. I also have always internally seen that casual sexual activity is shallow, lacks depth and that you ultimately don't end up forming stronger emotional bonds with your partner through such activity, just that I willingly give into my urges to watch porn. I am still trying to find out what are the circumstances that result in sex leading to a stronger emotional connection between a couple, as sex with a prostitute is still consensual, but no emotional bonds are formed, nor love expressed.

[Croix]

Dear NZthrower~

I can see how confusion can come about, and how the questions you ask are important ones - for anyone.

Having thought about what you have said I've got the feeling that you think there is a separation between sex and emotional feelings for someone.

It is true for some sex is simply a physical act or a means to an end, though that does not mean it always will be for them, and does not apply to everyone anyway.

In my own life (and no I'm no expert on the subject) sex has been a means of engaging in an act of togetherness, where concern for the happiness of the other is as important as one's own gratification. This is returned. A closer relationship, reinforced by such intimacy, is the result.

Lack of that return of care may well be an indicator matters will go no further. If that happens a lot then the person may come to doubt their own worth or feel unhappy in other ways - but that is another story.

I do not think there are any hard and fast rules on sex before marriage, but then again I do not share your previous religious beliefs. I think it is a response to attraction, both of body and mind, and in my case lead to more mutual affection.

Porn, as far as I can see is straight fantasy, and one of the major problems it generates is a completely unrealistic idea about sex and is nothing like what most people feel and look. Unlike mainstream movies it also leaves open the question if sometimes coercion or deceit was used in its making.

I hope you find someone to explore intimacy with you in a caring relationship

Croix

[geoff]

Hello NZthrower, interesting comment.

In life, the more we are told not to do something, the more inquisitive we become and the more we want to explore, simply because we are curious, and by you watching porn might indicate this because you are intrigued.

Besides having sex aren't there many other ways you can't do until you're 18, but that still doesn't stop adolescents from doing it.

The world changes every day and although we try and guide our kids in the right direction, we don't know what happens behind the scenes, well I certainly did as a kid as did my mates, religious or not.

Best wishes.

Geoff.