HI Hayley M and welcome to the forums
I do not work for CAMHS, I am just like you. A fellow bb forum user 🙂
I myself saw CAMHS for anorexia. I was never admitted to hospital however I wasvery close. I also still sometimes struggle with bulimia especially when stressed and down.
I will say challenging anorexia was really hard for me. I had to have someone in my family (parents or older brother) watch me/force me to eat. It took a while for me to start gaining weight because at first my mum was a bit soft with the diet then realised she had enforce it fully for me to get better. I found it difficult when this happened because I felt like I continue being underweight. But that was my anorexic brain playing tricks on me. It made me scared of food, scared of weight gain, scared of change. It consumed me, kept me awake at night, feel light headed, have bad mood swings and it made my depression get to it's lowest point. I wish I could snap my fingers and be better. But I couldn't. I had to work really hard at it. I found that once I gained some weight that my body desperately needed my brain began to think more clearly again. It became easier every day I fought the thoughts. Every day fighting is hard, but every day giving in to it makes it harder in the long run.
I know the idea of going into hospital is scary. But maybe you need some of the control taken away. It will help elivate the guilt if you follow the meal plan. I know when my parents became strict with the diet at first I hated it (and even them at some point), but after a while I realised it made me feel better because I didn't feel guilty, because it was beyond my control.
I thought I share that with you so you know that I understand what you are going through. It is tough. But it is worth the fight
