Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Kazzl]

Hiya Dizzy. I don't like you being lonely, so thought I pop in. I'm a good listener (reader) hun if you want to talk.

I wonder why we don't have more gay women here ... it raises interesting questions about whether the experience of coming out is different for men and women. What do you think?

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Morning Dizzy, just wondering how you are. Hope the anxiety has eased hun.

Kaz

[Cornstarch]

Corny is a lesbian Dizzy.

I didn't come out later in life but I wish I knew of more contacts/resources that I could send your way to help with the feelings of isolation. They are completely normal and it can be very lonely.

You will have people say the most hilarious things like "oh so and so is a lesbian, you'd really like her". As if we are all just this mono-personality with no variation and personal tastes and desires. Just because someone is a lesbian please please please don't assume that they are a nice person!

Be discerning, keep your wits about you, but still get out there and have fun and take emotional risks. Life is too short and it sounds that the worst has already happened to you, so if you do get burnt a few times and have to learn really tough lessons I'm certain you will bounce back. It is no easier than straight people to find lovely humans to be in a relationship with, especially if you're not willing to settle for a mediocre luke warm relationship that ticks all the boxes like a business contract and yet lacks true connection.

Lesbians are notoriously clicky and can be very intense with one another too. Boundaries, keeping some independence, maintenance of ones own self interests in conjunction with their partner, whats that?! Don't we just meld into one and the same and all become co-dependent. You sound like someone with a very strong sense of self and I'd hate to see your beautiful self smothered.

You need someone where you can remain true to your self alongside them and not completely intertwined, but very much a committed couple as well if you get what I mean. There are absolutely beautiful lesbian couples out there that have the balance right. That have come from horror childhoods that require them to honour their past while moving into the future together.

The gay "scene" has changed so much over the years that you aren't restricted to meeting people only in gay bars, theres lots of other avenues to get to know people depending on where you live but there is the internet too!

[Cornstarch]

Also Dizzy for sexual assault survivors violation is obviously one of the core wounds we carry. But when you are violently violated and intrinsically homosexual as well, this can bring up another layer of grief and sadness that heterosexual people don’t feel. Obviously they have very complex emotions as well but there are differences between us.

It certainly did for me. Violation of intrinsic self is just another damning insult isn’t it.

Talk about true defeat.

Powerful feelings of hurt can come up for people and emotions that they didn’t know they had, so feel free to talk about any of that too. Maybe they won’t and you’ve done all of that work already and it is not necessary to re-hash.

I hope so.

But for some women and men they can slip into a bit of depression when they have the soul destroying realisation that past hetero-sexual encounters, and even entire marriages were nothing more than “robotic acts of sexual compliance”. A re-living of what was “expected of them”, remaining contained in trauma for years.

The fright/flight/freeze/appease was never loosened enough in their nervous systems to allow for expression of their true nature.

This can bring about deep sadness but is extremely common.

It’s just that not many people talk about it.

[Just Sara]

Hello Kaz;

I want to start by saying I often read your posts with envy. I don't respond much because you're so in tune and give the most common sense rational replies; and might I also say they're brave! There's usually nothing left for me to add. So in saying this, I'm actually a little humbled you've chosen to ask how I'm going. (Hun..nice!)

I'll respond to CS later as her posts are specific.

There are many reasons at present why anxiety has risen. My son has left the nest and is moving into his own place (for the first time) with his girlfriend. This is of course a happy time, though letting go of responsibilities from single parenthood is trying. My ex husband left me during pregnancy and I found my 2 yr old little boy being sexually abused by a friend. 24 yrs later and putting away the cotton wool I've wrapped him in has come up for review.

I suppose this thread came about due to being yet again alone to face 'life'. Although this site gives so much in terms of support, nothing can compare to a kiss and hug from someone who shares the load. It took me 12 yrs to find the courage to face another relationship. My norm then was to find a man to keep my son safe and me supported, but fear of having an unknown quantity (man) around my child was emotionally paradoxal.

We here on BB often discuss the difference between feeling lonely and being alone. My new found sense of self although a relief, has me redefining goals, boundaries and trust. In my mind, memories of past parenting vs self promotion now, is bringing some feelings of grief and loss; my role in life so to speak.

I'm doing ok, as we know each day is a gift. And; each day brings up's and down's. So my approach is to take it as it comes and reach out for help when I need it.

Again...I'm so grateful for your concern Kaz.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy xo

[Just Sara]

Dear Cornstarch;

What a breath of fresh air! Thankyou for telling me you're a lesbian. Reading your posts at first was emotional, but as I continued a smile came to my face. Knowing there's someone here who 'gets' me is wonderful! Having women like Kaz and yourself show concern is lovely. Thankyou both.

Your 1st post talked about same sex relationships being no different to heterosexual one's apart from relating in some ways. I've known some wonderful lesbian couples over the yrs and watched on in envy. I've been hit on a few times too but failed to act for fear of the 'what if's'. (Mainly; what if I like it?) I thought my attraction to women was a fault in my personality. (My secret shame) I suppose at some stage I may be faced with this invisible issue, but for now it's feeling 'green' that's got my confidence low.

Intrinsically, I'm first attracted by character and personality. Safety/protection is a major issue for survivors, so engaging with a woman physically is basically foreign ground. God that sounds ignorant! I've been physically attracted to women first, but I've forced myself to put a buffer up.

Oh my goodness, this is hard...so many questions. The more I write, the more stupid I feel. I didn't realise this was so deep for me. To be honest, I'm in tears. It's no wonder I haven't been able to get out and socialise as a lesbian. I don't even know what that means! You're right Corny...being both a survivor of sexual assault and lesbian has me spinning.

I might leave it here for now. So many questions...so much damn time.

Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

I am so happy and relieved to read how in-sync you are to what’s right for you. You really know yourself despite being overwhelmed. I would be concerned if you didn’t.

The worst possible thing would be for you to succumb to pressure of any sort. Anyone that pressures you to post, disclose, act, respond or behave in a manner or at a time that is not right for you – simply get rid of them. Cut the cord. Bugger off. You don’t owe anyone anything.

I wish I could say that all lesbians are wonderful, amazing, thoughtful, un-selfish, considerate people and all of the muck of society only affects our straight cousins. Alas no. We are just people. And the worst of the world has happened to individuals not matter what their sexual orientation. This has ripple effects into adulthood.

Gay guys can give you just as sincere and apt advice as a lesbian can. They can tell you how it is with the knowledge of being a rainbow blood, but without the female drama. Women can be very intense. It’s really lovely
to have a guys opinion and quite frankly some days I’d rather hang with them. Lesbians are just as catty, competitive and bitchy as straight women. Don’t be fooled into believing that the worst of humanity has bi-passed the gay world. You’re too intelligent to fall for that.

But by the same token don’t let fear over take you, and don't approach all women as if they're out to get you. The vast majority of people mean well. There are Ahhhhhh-mazing lesbian women out there. SINCERE and AUTHENTIC women just as perplexed and over-awed by life as you, but not wanting to hurt anyone. The good thing is that you have a strong internal compass and red flags will go off in your nervous system if a women is saying/behaving in a way that strikes an alarm to stay away. And as I said previously if your judgment slips........you will survive.

We fall for people. We can't control who we like. Some people are just yummy. Yum yum yummy. You're only human.

It cannot be any worse than what you've already experienced, and mistakes in intimacy are a mere blip compared to what you've survived. A mere blip I say.

[Kazzl]

Good morning Dizzy and Corny

Firstly, Corny what a fantastic post. And what a wise and wonderful woman you are! I don't think we've crossed paths on the forum before so may I say what a great pleasure it is to meet you.

Lovely Dizzy - thank you for your humbling response! Wow! It's a massive compliment to be called 'in tune' - my bipolar brain often plays different tunes to most people, which is a constant source of annoyance (not that I want to think like other people, I just can't understand why they don't think like me! 😄)

I understand your mixed emotions about your son leaving home. We raise them to be independent and self-sufficient, then they go and be it! I went through similar with my daughters. It's both the wrench of letting go and the fear of freedom for ourselves. A time when we're able to find and follow our own paths, which is exciting, but also the time to face ourselves, alone, as individuals, not defined by motherhood or being a provider and protector. Where did all those years go and how did I lose my sense of self along the way?

I can't say I handled it well. And to a certain extent I, and my then husband, actually drove them away. (We were drowing ourselves in booze at the time.) What I can say though is they never really leave you. If you have a good relationship with your son, he will always come back to you. It's not the end of a role for you, just a change in its nature.

I also understand the fear of change, but sometimes life delivers us change of wonderful kind, when we are least expecting it. I found new love at 49, with someone on the other side of the world. I had never imagined I would ever experience romance and passion again. It came right out of the blue so to speak, and hit me like a tonne of magical sparkly bricks. (He's now my husband). So hun, I guess what I'm saying is just be you, your beautiful self, live life on your terms, don't look or try too hard ... and magic can happen.

You are such a kind, compassionate and highly intelligent woman Dizzy - I know that from reading your posts. And you have offered excellent support and wise counsel to others. You have so much to offer the world and to whomever the fortunate lady is who comes along in the future and loves you. And she will.

Hugs to you hun

Kaz

[Just Sara]

Morning Corny;

I appreciate you sticking with me on this thread. Your words come from a place of experience and knowing life as a lesbian. That's a plus for me...thankyou.

I guess the thing for me, is knowing myself more than others. I've spent my life (56 yrs) assessing and watching people to find a sense of safety and 'fit'. However in doing so, I lost myself. This period of my life is about self insight and how 'I' relate to me as well as those you mention.

I don't want you to worry about me coping with the variety of people out there. For 2 yrs I've withdrawn from society to re-evaluate what I want and what I need to do to achieve my goals. First was overcoming my breakdown, and then coming out was a massive achievement which lowered the anxiety levels exponentially.

What this thread has made me realise, is that my issues run deeper than my choice of partner. Especially since my past was all about 'who chose me'. "Am I enough?" was my mantra. Now I 'get' that question has to be; "Are they good enough for me?"

So in saying this, I think the main issue is 'transition'. In my response to Kaz, I talked about protecting my son and the 'role' I had as a heterosexual single parent. That included seeing men as a means of protecting both of us. Changing my mindset from this to gender/sexual independence, is in itself a journey; a step by step process of transitioning from my role, to self discovery and asserting my truth in life.

The 'green' feeling I mentioned conjures up teen yrs of virginity and peers. The first time for everything has its pressures. The one and only time I slept with a woman, I instigated and was let down by her lack of emotional connection, and then trying to force me into a 3'some with her friend. She was straight and I loved her deeply. Another girl I loved berated me when I tried to initiate sexual contact; she was straight too. So connecting with a lesbian is new...really new. Rejection on any level is cruel and it's probably this aspect I fear most.

This post has bought up further subjects floating around my mind. Body image is one and sex is another. Something for another time.

Grateful and warm thoughts...Dizzy xo