Am I the only one?

[Just Sara]

Tonight I'm feeling the pangs of anxiety and am using BB as a means of staying connected. Writing feels good and is helping to curb loneliness.

This section on sexuality and gender doesn't seem to be visited by lesbian. Although I've received so much beautiful support from men on this site, having another woman to talk with (who can relate) would be nice. As it's early days for me living as my true self, talking about this subject feels new and a little foreign. Once I got real and didn't have to face the anxiety from not feeling normal, the calm has been spoilt a little due to feeling isolated from similar souls.

It's not just banter I'd like, but to learn...it's hard to say this at my age. I read posts from gay men dealing with coming out and leaving marriages etc, and this does help. But only in a generic way if I can say that. I don't actually know why women don't post here as much, I suppose this being a mental health space has something to do with it...not sure.

Feeling isolated isn't nice at all. I thought a connection might happen with someone earlier on, but that turned out to be a near miss. I don't have any expectations and whether this is a good thing or not I'm unsure.

I would appreciate some dialog if someone is willing to engage.

Dizzy

[Just Sara]

Good morning amazing Starwolf;

Apart from your beautiful writing style, (a pleasure to read) your post describes an experienced women's perspective of my life as a mother; how solo battle fatigue affects even the strongest of souls. You certainly understand where I'm coming from and where I am. I've worked with people who are living with an ABI and know too well the exhaustion and ever present worry it brings. You are inspiring!

I applaud your courage and constitution, not just because you survived, but because you've thrived to become a voice of hope to people like me. When I first created this thread, looking for like minded individuals was focused on my sexuality, but I realise now it was an effort to discover what I was leaving behind and where I'm headed that mattered.

Changing and moving forward is indeed an adventure; and what would an adventure be without the unknown? Whether it's discovering an opportunity to develop and grow or re-discovering lost dreams gone by, the focus of recovery is the same; letting go and transitioning.

Passing the baton over to my son and his girlfriend is bitter sweet. As you say; 'Focus on ourselves becomes possible but we have forgotten how to do it. Like all things unused for some time, we find that it has ceased up under the rust.' how true. Guilt and shame for wanting to be me (and to escape the responsibilities associated with being both mother and father) while parenting was my normality. I learned to scream in the darkness in my car at small hrs of the morning desperate to find relief and clear my aching soul.

So here I am at the precipice of freedom...a step into the unknown. I realise now, thanks to your insight and wisdom, there's been a long rubber band attached to my back keeping me from moving forward. I'm leaving behind the pain and accepting peace as my companion. How wonderful and scary.

Thankyou Star...I am in your debt.

Warm wishes...Dizzy xo

[Just Sara]

Good morning Corny;

You certainly have a lot on your plate but seem to have a handle on it. Yes, understanding dissociation and detachment is a crucial pathway to self awareness. The body is where our memories lay. Our minds flew the coop so to speak as a means of surviving trauma and reconnecting the two (mind and body) can be a long and arduous process.

Trying to convince others of its validity can be heart wrenching. However, once I realised it was in moments of fear this occurred and the child within was crying out, I learned to (physically) hug myself while sitting quietly, as if I was my own child in distress, the tide began to turn. This act stimulates specific hormones that give relief to the emotional self.

Your last post showed you'd regained some perspective and calm. I'm glad for you.

Warm wishes...Dizzy xo

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Dizzy, yeah I have a lot on my plate. I didn't feel like I'd lost perspective or crying meant that I was un-calm as I said it's actually the opposite for me in the context of my personal history.

Meditation has taught me to just be. As the teachers say, it's the trying to be calm that gets people with anxiety disorders in complete knots, because in the end it's another judgment that being un-calm is not acceptable. Loosening the grip of judgment as the masters say.

Enjoy your week, Spring has certainly sprung to life the scents in the air are gorgeous

[Starwolf]

Hi Dizzy, thank you for your kindness.

First of all, there's no debt. As far as I am concerned, I am thankful that my traumatic, disjointed life path is now making sense. Understanding took time (and a lot of work) to sink in but now I can share it with others in similar situations...a reward in itself.

We tend to forget that the aim of parenting is to equip our children for independent life. That's what Nature dictates. But attachment to the process gets in the way...and anchors us to the past, a phase of life that has run its course. You have done a great job. The fact that your son is now living independently is proof of that. And what an achievement that is for those of us who do it solo...

No guilt and shame should be attached to the longing to be ourselves.This urge is natural. What else are we meant to be ? Being a parent is just one part of the whole package. Unwrapping the parcel is an adventure in itself, may it be discovery or recovery (usually both !).

I was very much into the drugs and rock'n' roll scene but never had much interest in the sex part. There was only mild curiosity and my feelings about it where ambiguous anyway. That was BEFORE the sexual abuse experience. I later tried to do the accepted hetero thing but also experimented briefly with homosexuality. I found that both alternatives could provide physical pleasure and emotional connection. But those few moments of body bliss always seemed over-rated to me and sex often complicates the relationship between people. I'd rather leave gender out of the way and connect with others from a human to human perspective. Due to the black and white character of cultural ideology, it has taken time to come to terms with my asexuality. I only came out when I was about your age. But I must say a non live-in platonic relationship would be nice. Preferably with another woman.

I know you are questioning your sexuality at the moment. So I wanted to share this with you...there is no discovery without exploration, experimentation, and soul searching.

Happy trails.

[Starwolf]

Hi Corny,

I don't want to highjack Dizzy's thread but need to let you know that I relate to your ex inability to cry. A childhood of physical and emotional abuse, living in fear of a dangerous, psychotic mother tends to do this to us. I learned how to cry first but it took longer to smile other than in scorn. Therapeutic belly laughter came last...for me the harder to achieve.

Well done you for becoming emotional. I'm sure it was a hell of a ride but you have come a long way.

I feel the same as you do re communication and open-ness....though I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut in the countless instances where they're unwelcome. They could then do more harm than good.

Enjoy the warmer, longer days. Spring is such a beautiful season...

[Cornstarch]

Oh gosh thank you for sharing Starwolf. The off-spring of psychotic illnesses have so much stigma placed on them that no-one sees us with fresh eyes. Doctors are meant to be some of the smartest and highest status people in our society and yet have forgotten the occurrence of the anomaly. I thought scientific rigour was meant to be rigour-ess and not simply hold up stereotypical stencils to little girls. We are not just products of our parents we are individuals.

It certainly takes time and a lot of patience to lift the dissociation after any traumatic event, let alone being made to live in an environment that places your nervous system into a state of perpetual shock and
uncertainty.

It was our narcissistic father that provided all the “colour” in our household with his outbursts of rage and daily barrages of abuse.

Mum was a victim too.

Until you are raised by a mother in the depths of psychosis and largely un-medicated from when you are literally born, trying to describe that to another person is like describing the colour blue to someone that is legally and totally blind. What do you say when there is nothing to compare it to.

Her cataonia and silence is what really stung. The feeling of waiting at the pre-school gates after my assault and all the cars have gone, knowing she wouldn’t show up to collect me, but hoping she would, will be the sharpest pain in my heart forever.

She often never showed up but that time really hurt.

A teacher used to drive me home and I’d find Mum standing in the middle of the room, dressed in strange clothing, never asking me how my day was.

Catatonic faces tend to make little traumatised girls shutdown further.

I love this time of year too. In fact I love every season for what it is. I love distinct seasons. Enjoy the sunshine and thank you so much again.

[Chris_B]

Hi Dizzy, I'm glad Cornstarch has replied to you here - our surveys tell us that 11% of forum members identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trasngender or intersex (LGBTI). The same survey tells us that around 70% of of forum members are women, so I am sure we have a number of lesbian or bi women here. I hope people feel this is a safe space to disclose and discuss sexuality, and we'd love to have more women and trans people posting here.

[Just Sara]

Thanks for your insight Chris;

The Stat's you've given help me to understand the relative nature of my issue. 11% is bigger than I'd thought, however ratio of poster's to 'read only' people is probably smaller. In saying this though, bringing this subject out in the open has given me an opportunity to self explore, and this in itself has helped. I am glad Corny responded to let me know there's someone there. I do appreciate her thoughtfulness.

I want to say, and this I hope won't be taken with any animosity by CS and SW, that the direction the thread has taken is a little of the mark. I would like it to get back to the original format re my isolation, and lesbian poster's. I've opened up an important issue about my role of mother and the transition from parenting to single life again; this has been very enlightening and an important aspect of coming out.

My mental health has taken a battering over the years, but with each issue I delve into, I become stronger and more confident. I want this matter to be another positive step towards freedom and the ability to better cope with life.

So thankyou again for your comments...it's nice to know you and others are listening and caring.

Grateful sentiments...Dizzy

[Cornstarch]

I hope other Lovely Luminous Lesbian's post here for you Dizzy and you can get a variety of voices/opinions/experiences because thankfully the Rainbow is just as diverse as anywhere else.

Just because my beautiful profile picture up there is colourful, in the end I am but one!

I suppose just like in face-to-face conversations we can go off on tangents and we find ourselves saying to a friend over coffee...."where were we again, oh yeah back to lesbo-land".

Good luck on your adventures

Corn-Dog

[Chris_B]

Hi Dizzy (and Cornstarch too), you might find the below link helpful - it's some research that Beyond Blue comissioned last year into the help-seeking behaviours of same-sex attracted women. The page linked is a summary, and you can download the full PDF at the bottom. It might give you some perspective around specific struggles faced, and perhaps provide topics for further discussion!

Rainbow Women's Help-Seeeking Behaviour Research