alone, and lonely.

[hanmnro]

Hello this is my first time doing this. So I don’t know how open and vulnerable we’re supposed to be. I’m also not so sure where to start. I feel lonely all the time, i don’t have any friends. I’m engaged and I live with my partner and when he’s here I still feel alone. I’m scared that I’m not doing the right thing by being with him because I don’t love myself, I’m constantly thinking “I’m fat” I’m not good enough. I’ve talked to him about this and it hasn’t gone well, he has said in the past that boys would find me more attractive if i lost weight, I’ve never been spoken to like that before. I was brought up to forgive and forget and to treat others how you want to be treated. So of course, I want to move past this comment.. but I’m struggling very much. He has apologised and says I shouldn’t hold a grudge. Which I agree with, it’s just easier said then done. There’s been a few more comments made, like he’s attracted to my “inner beauty” more.. and the old me would of been like yes inner beauty, you go girl.. because you’re beautiful on the outside too! This Hannah “Me” doesn’t love my body or what I see in the mirror. I’ve become “too comfortable” while he’s stayed thin and muscly.. while eating all the same things I do. I’m afraid to go to the gym by myself, I have high anxiety going anywhere. My anti depressants make me gain weight too, so I’m in a lose lose situation! Does anyone have any advice? Or have been in a similar position?

thank you for reading! x

[smallwolf]

Hi hanmnro,

welcome to beyond blue.

reading your post, two things hit me - how isolated you feel and then you mentioning about the apology you received from your partner. This is something I have spoken about with my own psychologist after an incident in church; where a person apologised to me many hours later. The problem is that once the damage is inflicted, you (at least I) heal instantly. It takes time, perhaps a long time.

I guess my question is - what do you want to do?

it must be frustrating for you to do all the right things (?) food wise and nothing happens your partner weight wise. Have you considered talking your GP about the medication you are talking and the effect it has on you? (You only mentioned anti depressants.) I have both depression and anxiety, and kept on changing medication until I found one that tackled both. You also recognised that you could go to the gym but afraid to go. There are other alternatives like walking, or you could do exercises at home.

lastly, I want you to know that your post was fine. And being vulnerable in a space like this takes courage. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Tim