Afraid that my anxiety is going to ruin a new relationship

[stressedteacher]

My anxiety and my lack of self confience is starting to affect my new relationship. I’ve avoiding getting involved with anyone for years and this feeling of helplessness is probably why.

I’ve got some trust issues and the guy I’m seeing has commitment issues so it hasn’t all been smooth sailing. I’m trying my best not to seek out constant reassurance but I know I’m guilty of doing it.

The frustrating past is I know when I’m being illogical or a bit needy, but even though I don’t say 9/10 of the stuff I worry about out loud the tenth I do say is enough to seem ridiculous to others. Imagine if they could hear my thoughts!

Has anyone found any strategies that help them with this?

I’m scared that I’m going to have the opposite effect of what I want and I’ll push this guy away.

[Quercus]

Hi Stressedteacher and welcome to the forums,

There were two thoughts that came immediately to mind reading your post... I wonder what you make of them...

What steps have you taken in terms of finding out why you have such poor self esteem?

And... Is a relationship with someone reluctant to commit a healthy place for you?

No pressure to answer these are just thoughts which I wondered about.

In terms of strategies have you considered visiting a health professional to find out if they think your level of anxiety requires some form of intervention?

I had never considered medication for my anxiety until I was being treated for depression. As a side effect I realised feelings of anxiety I had always considered "how I am" were reduced enormously. I was surprised to find I didn't feel as bad about my appearance as usual.

I hope you are able to keep writing and joining in. These forums are a gentle place.

Nat

[jollydolly]

Hi stressedteacher,

Other humans are hard work, am I right? Luckily there are some benefits.

I think it's pretty human to want to know we are safe and loved (or if too soon for love, at least liked) and I don't think that's needy. But you seem to have identified that you are seeking this reassurance more often than you would like to, and more often than your boyfriend finds comfortable. For what it's worth, I have learned these things in my experiences dealing with similar situations, and you asked for strategies:

- Say out loud to yourself ALL the things you fear, regardless of how illogical, crazy, downright insane they might sound. Other people can't hear them, so don't worry. Say them so that they lose some of their power, and so that you are accepting them as thoughts or feelings you're experiencing. They may become less insistent if you let them be heard. And if they don't diminish in strength, say them again. And if that doesn't work, pay a professional to hear you say them.

- Take him at face value. (This is almost a laughable one for me because I overanalyse everything and look for hidden meanings and ulterior motives. I too have low confidence and have been lied to in past relationships). But it is your only option, really, and it is going to make him feel trusted and accepted. If he is having doubts about committing, then that's where he is, and you're not going to be able to change it, any more than he can change your trust issue. And if he seems to be moving along quite happily, and trying out this relationship with you, take that at face value too. I was only able to do this by talking out loud to myself, and checking my perceptions with friends or with counsellors.

Feeling desperate to seek reassurance and then guilty and upset for seeking it, is not healthy for you and I speak from much experience and am not judging you. Maybe if you step back from the relationship when you feel overwhelmed by a need for reassurance, then the man who is uncomfortable with commitment will take a step forward, who knows!

I hope that me sharing these experiences is helpful but I know our experiences are all different and it may not hit the mark. But I recognise how you're feeling and I hope you'll find some other good advice here as well.

[IsaJett]

Hey stressed teacher

I love your post and welcome

yes I felt quite the same way ,,if my boyfriend could hear me thinking he would have been gone ages ago ...hahahaha. It’s been about two years plus that I am with my boyfriend and things are well ..but in the beginning..it was really freaky ..as I felt I needed all the reassurance ...but he’s an introvert ..but I have found that my honesty has helped me..I just say something like ...I actually felt jealous because of ....blah I don’t like feeling this way but just know that I am working on it .usually we feel insecure it’s becuase of our previous Baggage but I find that when I say that to him ..it sort of puts everything out in the open and we can talk and discuss and u become stronger . If he cares about u enough ..and u will know ...and he will be willing to talk things on how to improve and how to,help u cope. I find that keeping stuff to myself makes things worse . I want to be completely myself ...and that is the only way to go about it ...if he becomes impatient etc ..or defensive then ..it tell me we ain’t meant to be ...so but if a guy is sincere and in for the right reason ..u will be able to work it out

I know u say u worried about losing him etc ..but u should know that he doesn’t want to lose you too..so it works both ways . If you like someone enough...u make the effort to work through issues and it works the other way too .so he should be happy to help u ..and Maybe he open up to you too . One has to be vulnerable first and then he might follow ..and that’s when you both grow and progress ..it’s really All part of parcel of knowing each other ..don’t let your anxiety freak u out , Good luck ..I hope this helps you ..please let us know how you go

stay well

[FinallyFree]

Hi stressedteacher,

I am so glad you posted in here, I definitely feel less alone.

I totally understand where you are at. The constant reassurance definitely makes sense. Its so hard to not want this reassurance but given what you have been through it totally makes sense. May i ask, have you and your partner had the "past" relationships talk yet? I found that when my partner and I got to this step, I was finally able to explain why I needed reassurance and why i constantly needed approval (i left a narcissistic abusive relationship, I struggle with making decisions and have anxiety when it comes to being assertive about what I want and stand for - the list is endless but those are a few examples)

For me, I started breaking things down with my close friends, particularly those who had been or had suffered the same treatment. I would present them with a situation of what had happened and explained how I felt about the situation. They would then discuss and try to get me to see my partners point of view. Basically in my situation, my man is normal (i.e. not a narc) and I find it hard to understand that someone is capable of being nice and doesn't have an agenda. My point is, its about identifying what worries you and asking yourself why you are worried and where this comes from. I definitely find talking to people who have the same or if not similar experiences helps. I have 3 friends who have been in narc relationships and have recovered quite well, so breaking things down with them certainly helps.

Also, when you say your guy has commitment issues, I can imagine this wouldn't put your anxiety at bay. Has he explained why he has these issues and where they come from? Maybe its time to have this conversation so that you can both move forward together and come up with ways to compliment each others needs rather than trying to figure it out on your own. I know that I am very lucky with my partner, he picks up on when I am over thinking or asks me why I have different reactions to different things. The more we talk about it, the more comfortable I am discussing why I react the way I do and how I am working towards retraining myself not to.

I really hope this helps and I wish you all the best.