A horse called Workplace Burnout

jollydolly · ‎06-12-2018

My racing thoughts made me think of horses.

I've been suffering at work since about January this year, through a combination of imposter syndrome, actually being stretched by the demands of the role, periods of staff changes including being short staffed, losing the trust of my managers, interpersonal conflict with team, financial worries, and relationship problems. And I have a two-year-old.

So, normal life stuff, but I've reached my limit. I've been trying to make it to the end of the year / find another job, but the stress and my constant mistakes and resulting guilt and fear have caught up with me. I was crying every day over things people said to me or how they looked at me; it would take me half an hour to do something because I was so forgetful; I'd stutter and stammer and lose my train of thought. Added to this was layer of self-recrimination that I didn't take more action earlier; I'd seen this coming and didn't simply say "I can't do this anymore" because of my financial responsibilities and because my partner doesn't wholeheartedly embrace my condition (history of depression and anxiety).

Over the last few weeks my worst nightmares have come true: work colleagues have seen me unravel, and my partner has seen how weak I am. I feel like I'm totally at rock bottom.

So now I'm at home lining up appointments to get the documentation to get time off work, and am convinced I'm going to be fired. I'm pretty sure that performance management awaits me in January, but I've convinced myself that my boss will try to skip that step and just find a way to fire me for misconduct. Then of course, I'll lose the house, never get another job, and will lose my daughter.

I know that those of you in these threads with anxiety will recognise these racing thoughts. I just wanted to share them to hopefully get this horse to slow down, maybe eat some grass and just wander off.

Doolhof · ‎07-12-2018

Hi jollydolly,

I like your analogy using a horse. Sorry to read you have yourself is such a situation. Are there any supportive resources in your workplace? You mention fellow staff have noticed you are unravelling, have any of them offered any support?

Have you been to your Dr to discuss how you are feeling? Is it possible to get a sickness certificate for a while?

All organisations are different and I realise a lot of places still don't understand, recognise or accept mental health issues.

Are there things you can do at home to help you feel better about yourself and your family?

Can you find ways to take that "horse" out for run so it becomes tired and a little more quiet (calm your mind) or maybe just leading the horse to water so it can drink may help to calm you down.

Please don't see yourself as weak, but as suffering and needing some help! Mental health issues are not a weakness, they are an illness!

Please don't feel like you have to do this alone. Seek out help and advice. Have a chat to your Dr. See what help is available to you.

Please know this is a safe place for you to share how you are feeling. The Beyond Blue website had a lot of information as well you may find beneficial.

I have used the phone help line a few times on 1300 22 4636 and have found the support staff there very helpful.

Wishing you well on your journey and hope you receive the help you need right now.

Cheers from Dools

LauraRH · ‎07-12-2018

Hi jollydolly,

Thought I'd introduce you to my horse, her name is 'worst case scenario'. Occasionally she thinks she's a carousel and goes round and round and round. You may be glad to hear my horse is currently moving at a more gentle trot (oh. thank. god.) But every now again she rears up (pardon the pun) and I have to reign her in again (ok, I'll stop now).

Sometimes it's hard doing all the things, whilst trying to save face so to speak. But eventually something has to give, and that's OK! Surrendering to your situation is vastly different to giving up, I applaud you for recognizing that enough is enough and taking action, it's a confronting and crappy place to be. And once you reach this stage, of course your horse will rear up and tell you that you could have done it sooner, better etc. Must do all the things... never quite good enough... everything that could possible go wrong will... the worst case scenario will eventuate with a cherry on top.

I don't want to make light of your situation, hoping to provide you a little light relief and let you know there are a whole heap of us horses out there all fighting the same battle. Whenever you horse races off, just consider... but what if things do turn out OK in the end? (because they will.. eventually...)

jollydolly · ‎09-12-2018

Thanks Doolhof, for your kind words and advice. I took the horse to a psychologist after getting a miraculous last-minute cancellation appointment, and it was somewhat calmer after that. I'm being very diligent and doing the tasks I was set by the psychologist, hoping for the best. I've also been seeing a GP fairly regularly over the last few weeks who was new to me, but is rapidly becoming my best mate. My friends have also been amazing, so I'm very lucky and grateful for their support.

I know it's not weakness....at least, usually I know. And I know I would want to help someone else who was feeling this way. Thanks again.

jollydolly · ‎09-12-2018

Thank you, Laura. I'm definitely getting toughened up at the moment, and I know that one way or another, as long as it might take, I will get out of this horrendous place I'm in and move into something better. As you guessed, I've been calculating how much better off I might have been if I had done something earlier...I would like to one day tell the story of a horse I used to have that was called 'Should', and one day it broke its leg and had to be put down.

I guess we imagine the worst case scenario as some kind of defense mechanism? But it's so counterproductive because it really hurts and is exhausting! A very inefficient defense.

Thanks for continuing the horse analogies, puns and all. It really does help to know I'm part of a herd.

Doolhof · ‎11-12-2018

Hi jollydolly,

Sometimes I think I am trying to ride my horse backwards! I need to twist around in the saddle, grab hold of the reins and give the horse a gentle nudge to move forward.

Hey, what the heck, I might get a bit reckless, give my horse a good old nudge and go for a gallop! Might be just what I need. Maybe some days we can be too safe and afraid to fall off so we don't try new things!

One time I volunteered with Riding for the Disabled. Didn't know a thing about horses! One horse soon picked up on that fact and tried to walk me into the fence all the time! I was told to give the horse a decent bump in the shoulder to let him know who was boss!

Hope you are doing a little better with the help and assistance you are receiving!

I had a good chat with my new psychologist yesterday and have a very supportive Dr!

Hope you get that horse under control!

Cheers from Dools

Anne1303 · ‎11-12-2018

Hi

i read your post and do much resonates with me at the moment. I feel so similar on my work, and am now in a near constant state of panic when I think about it and going back (am currently on holidays). I have these thoughts running through my head all the time that I’m not good enough at my job and I must be making mistakes even though no one has ever said anything about mistakes, and then I have developed this fear that because of these so called mistakes something awful will happen to someone and it will be my fault, I get scared and panicky all the time. I don’t have any advice for you but I just hope knowing that others are in the same situation mite provide at least a small comfort to you. xx

jollydolly · ‎12-12-2018

Hi Anne,

That really does sound like me...I'm so sorry because I know how awful it feels! I've had one psychologist visit so far, and she has given me a book to read about ways to manage racing thoughts and overanalysis, and also the 'Calm' app to download. Both have been helpful so far.

I would really recommend seeing someone, and trying perhaps a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach if you haven't before; it seems to me a very practical and helpful tool to have for work anxiety. I feel like I have made a self-fulfilling prophecy: my (perhaps unfounded?) concerns over my capacity and what might happen if I stuff up have led to a clouding of thoughts and reduced cognitive capability, which then resulted in stuffing up, and so on...so if you haven't reached the stage of actual negative performance reviews or having a sit down with the boss, then it might be a good time to (revive the horse metaphors) and take the reins: acknowledge this situation, seek out professional advice from a psychologist or counsellor, and use that help to get yourself back on track. It may mean changing jobs, but possibly, and more likely, it will mean becoming aware of stressors that have led to this perception of yourself and taking steps to reduce them.

I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling, Anne, and I hope things feel a bit better for you today. Wishing you luck, and please do post again with an update if you feel you can - I will be looking out for it.

Anne1303 · ‎18-12-2018

Hello again

Since I last posted I have finally taken the first step and saw a physiologist yesterday for my first app. She was very good, seemed to have some good ideas and said we work on some different strategies to help at work.... I’m really hoping they do help and I can start to function abit better....

i know what you mean about your negative thinking actually causing problems to happen, it’s kind of like we actually make them happen by thinking them! It’s a really vicious cycle, and so hard for people to understand who have not been through it themselves. I wish there was an easy for us all. I’m still on holidays so I don’t have to go back to work for a few weeks so I’m hoping that is going to give me time to get back on my feet abit.

I hope you are going ok, wouldnt it be nice if we could all work together in the same place with like-minded people who know and understand what this awful anxiety is like! Take care.

jollydolly · ‎19-12-2018

Hi Anne,

That's great to hear - good for you. I'm still on the rollercoaster. Trying to take one day at a time.

Best wishes.