A horse called Workplace Burnout

jollydolly · ‎06-12-2018

My racing thoughts made me think of horses.

I've been suffering at work since about January this year, through a combination of imposter syndrome, actually being stretched by the demands of the role, periods of staff changes including being short staffed, losing the trust of my managers, interpersonal conflict with team, financial worries, and relationship problems. And I have a two-year-old.

So, normal life stuff, but I've reached my limit. I've been trying to make it to the end of the year / find another job, but the stress and my constant mistakes and resulting guilt and fear have caught up with me. I was crying every day over things people said to me or how they looked at me; it would take me half an hour to do something because I was so forgetful; I'd stutter and stammer and lose my train of thought. Added to this was layer of self-recrimination that I didn't take more action earlier; I'd seen this coming and didn't simply say "I can't do this anymore" because of my financial responsibilities and because my partner doesn't wholeheartedly embrace my condition (history of depression and anxiety).

Over the last few weeks my worst nightmares have come true: work colleagues have seen me unravel, and my partner has seen how weak I am. I feel like I'm totally at rock bottom.

So now I'm at home lining up appointments to get the documentation to get time off work, and am convinced I'm going to be fired. I'm pretty sure that performance management awaits me in January, but I've convinced myself that my boss will try to skip that step and just find a way to fire me for misconduct. Then of course, I'll lose the house, never get another job, and will lose my daughter.

I know that those of you in these threads with anxiety will recognise these racing thoughts. I just wanted to share them to hopefully get this horse to slow down, maybe eat some grass and just wander off.

Doolhof · ‎24-12-2018

Hi jollydolly and Anne,

Wishing you both all the best and do so hope that next year goes a lot better for you both and issues can be sorted somehow.

Cheers from Dools

jollydolly · ‎19-02-2019

Hi all,

I thought I'd write in with an update on how I'm going. Believe it or not, I'm sitting here alive having just read through an extensive document written by my supervisor outlining the various ways I've underperformed at my job, and my nausea and hot flashes only lasted about 20 minutes! I've been going in to work since late January even though I feel humiliated and pretty alone. Tomorrow I sit down for performance management, the thing I've been dreading as my worst fear and that has caused my increase in symptoms. And I feel ... if not exactly fine, then OK. Able to survive, able to continue. I've felt like I've been trapped in hell for months, and have kept on going because there's no other choice, and now I'm here looking directly at my worst fear. I've been going to a psychologist who employs a few CBT and schema therapy techniques, and have been pretty bad at eating, sleeping, and exercise.

So, I just wanted to share that in the hope that it might help someone who isn't sure they can deal with the massive trucklod of anxiety they're facing....if I can, in this imperfect way, then you can, and you will.

Busylife · ‎19-02-2019

JollyDolly I love how you and others have framed up Anxiety using a horse. I don't have any sound advice unfortunately as your post pretty much mirrors where I'm sitting at the moment. Hope you can find your way with the support and guidance from others x

jollydolly · ‎24-02-2019

Thank you...unfortunately today, my horse is running an endless race around and around the same track, and it can't stop and is terrified, and so am I. I desperately need to let my horse retire from professional racing and take it away to a quiet meadow where it can eat grass and wander about slowly. I faced up to my fear last week in the performance review, but now have been called out by colleagues for my underperformance, and I feel like this humiliation is just going to continue until I break down again.

On a positive note, I have learned so much from this experience, and I'm pretty sure that I will never ride a horse called 'Should' again (referring to my post above). I just want the opportunity to start again in a new workplace and be the best I can be. Am awaiting the outcome of a pretty good interview last week, so cross your fingers!

Kayla_K · ‎25-02-2019

My horse is called 'not good enough' fueled by 'persistently negative manager' followed by 'account manger speak to me like I am idiot'. My shoes are very similar to yours where I doubt myself over and over again, check my work over and over again because you know, I am not allowed to make mistakes and must be 110% accurate, 150% of the time. My mind races off constantly with the 'you are going to eff up again' filly and comes back with 10 more.

So far in the last 18 years of my working life I have been mobbed by management (hello nervous breakdown), bullied ad nauseum (staring down second nervous breakdown), gaslighted (called the manager out on that one and was fired for it), bullied again and now bullied in my current role. I can't win.

You are not alone in this crap fest.

SHELBY MUSTANG · ‎26-02-2019

I am in a job where no one helps me or has trained me and my anxiety is at a severely heightened level where I just want to throw in the towel and quit, but I am going tell my manager in my one on one and just take it one day at a time and if anyone has a go at me I will say I am doing my best but I have had zero training and handover.

I see many survivors in jobs who hang around get promoted and the one constant is they go at their own pace and one told me she tries not to care so much. I burnt myself out working long hours trying to help and impress people and you know what people who use you are never impressed and don’t care.

One day at a time start each day anew and ignore the naysayers and haters.

jollydolly · ‎03-03-2019

I think you're totally right, Shelby - people who use you are never going to see the good things or be impressed by effort. Something that has really helped me has been identifying my values and trying to use them to make decisions about what to do, who to care about, and what to let slide. It has been great! My psychologist gave me a huge list - I'm not sure where she got it from - and asked me to select six. I then made them into little graphics that I laminated and keep with me at work. When faced with a choice about what to do or how to act, I can then consciously consider a choice that aligns with my values. I think it's similar to what you're saying above, except that it's caring about what YOU want to care about, rather than just not caring. I hope you get the guidance that you need to do your job at your next 1-1.

jollydolly · ‎03-03-2019

Hi Kayla, that sounds pretty horrible. I've had a big couple of weeks where first, a colleague threw a big tantrum at me for not doing my job well. In some ways it was the big callout I've been fearing for months, but in others, it wasn't so bad...she ended up looking worse for her behaviour than I did for my performance. But it helped me to see that sitting in fear, compulsively checking work in case you make a mistake, is WRONG and no one should have to endure that. I have finally been successful in getting a new job, and of course it is like an enormous weight has been lifted. If there is any way you can look around for a new workplace, I would really suggest giving that a go. I'm taking a small pay cut, but it's going to be worth it for my mental health! Is that something you could do? (It took me more than six months BTW....it wasn't a quick fix!)