Wow, attachment issues

[ashi]

I always got attached to people before I even knew them properly, give me the slightest attention and I immediately grasp onto that like it's my lifeline.

I've avoided most of my friends nowadays in fear that I'll probably get too close and just lose them, which actually -in my opinion- worked a bit, after I moved countries, all of my friends had started ignoring my messages, but didn't affect me much.

Though, it's really hard not to meet someone new and hope they'll stay with me. My new school is full of friendly people, pretty good, but that meant they were just as friendly to everyone else, and it's hard to find someone I could really trust, or talk to.

I've been telling myself to venture outside my comfort zone for years now, find new friends, don't just constantly stick to one person like a leech. But it's difficult to do that without making the new friend the victim of my persistent attachment. I've been so lonely at home (it's not even a home considering how empty it is), the only reason why I would actually go to school is just to be near people, and have at least somewhat a place I call welcoming.

Still, I'm attached to my best friend (who is a 9 hour flight away and it's not as easy to talk with the time zone differences) and a new friend I met at school who is sooner or later going to another school, and I'm sure that's when that friendship will end. When I meet someone, I give them a small glance, and decide whether I like them or not, I change opinions really quickly, but eventually it's either I become friends with them or not. If they do become my friend, I'd probably try my best to keep them as my friend, or even make them into my best friend, where then chaos ensues, because I automatically pour my heart out to them. People have always kindly listened, I'm grateful for that, but then they just go and I feel like I've made a big mistake, even though nothing bad would happen, I still think I've made bad choices when talking about my problems to someone. 

Not saying the internet is better for talking, but it gives you the anonymous kinda thing, so you feel a little safer talking (or technically, typing and posting).

Thank you if you've read this whole thing, and have a nice day!

[Sophie_M]

Hello ashi, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You have some wonderful self-awareness here and we want you to know that it's very human to experience attachments to others and fears around losing them. It must have been really hard moving countries and not hearing from your friends. Even if it didn't feel this way at the time because you created some distance, these things can certainly impact us and come up later on. Sometimes, when a part of us feels like reliable connection is a limited resource, we can find ourselves becoming extra attached to those around us. We really need consistent love and support as humans, so it's only natural that you might be reacting this way! Anxiety-brain craves certainty and it can feel really scary when we don’t have it, so we do all kinds of things to keep ourselves ‘safe’.

It sounds like finding friends you can really trust and confide in who will stick around is very important to you, especially without the fear that you have said too much. It’s more than okay for you to want this, you haven’t done anything wrong by sharing your feelings - that is actually super brave! Perhaps, when you are feeling anxiety or uncertainty around your friendships, it might be helpful to pull out a journal and write down everything you are thinking or feeling, without a filter. This could help you to understand why this part of you is so present and what it needs to feel comforted. We would also recommend chatting with a trusted adult about accessing some more support. Whether that is your school counsellor or a therapist through an organisation like Headspace, some ongoing guidance could allow you to move through some of these bigger feelings with more ease. 😊

Let us know if you have any questions around this. We would love to hear how you’re going with it all over the next few weeks – please keep us updated!

Warm regards,
Sophie M.
 

[Ripcurr3nt]

Heyo, getting attached to people early on isnt necessarily a bad thing.

Yes, some people may be dissuaded by it and move away, but others will equally be drawn in and be happy to listen and support you (from my experience). Personally I can kinda relate to an extent about what you were saying about getting kinda attached to people without knowing them properly, although mine tend to be less attachment and more just extreme curiosity (probably biproduct of too many books as a kid), and although I try to keep it within well what is considered more "normal" I have found that some people are just completely fine with it and instead of getting annoyed they enjoy it as well my guess is probably that they are also trying to find a similar connection. My point is that you dont need to change or isolate yourself, theres nothing wrong with you and when you manage to find the right people who are happy to listen and to stick by you it will make a whole lot of difference as you will find there are many people out there who are happy to listen and will just be drawn closer by your open nature.

In society today there arent a lot of people who really speak or talk about their problems so your ability to do that is probably more a gift than you think.

Trying to keep people your friend is a natural and normal response, no one likes losing friends and the fact that you seem persistent in keeping contact will probably do you much good in life as really not all friends are worth keeping and if you make the effort to keep in contact then you will figure out which ones continue to reply back and are worth keeping.

Thanks for sharing this, I feel honoured even though I am just a random teenager on the internet. If our paths ever by chance happen to cross I would be happy to sit and listen to your story as you seem like a great person and well yeah I am just an antisocial social person.

Best luck with everything and dont change yourself to try and fit in, instead try to find friends that stick by you, I promise it works.