Why don't I know how I feel?

[Jeffyboi]

Before i write this id like to state I do have aspergers(diagnosed). I think i may have depression and anxiety of sorts. I mean i have anxiety attacks often and well I usually feel shit. If I feel anything.

Main point for this is well. I need help I dont know how i feel a solid 95% of the time and I have no idea why situations happen and I have no idea how to respond or feel. Like something can happen and I know I should feel a certain way but i feel nothing. Sometimes I do feel things that I dont understand. Like... I wont understand why i feel it. If its good. Or bad. Or what it even feels like in general. The more i think about it and try to find out the more lost I get and confussed. I question if at those times I'm even feeling anything at all??

I just dont understand what to do sometimes I feel certain ways and I know I do like a song will make me happy or sad. Or I'll have random times where I feel horrible about myself and just depressed. I'm not sure what's goin on. I dont know how to respond or feel and ah I know I'm probably repeating myself a lot but its so hard to explain how I feel cause I honestly have no clue. like i said the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get. Its so scary sometimes. like I had a mental breakdown really badly once and I was crying then i stopped and just couldnt cry anymore and I just felt numb like I think I needed to let more out but just couldn't it doesnt work.

i have a thing where if I'm upset I cant properly be myself and express it. like even if I try its so god damn hard. I just cant. I think that may be because of my aspergers. i explain this to people like friends and they say im fine but I really don't think I am

[blondguy]

Hello Jeffyboi

Welcome and thankyou for having the courage to post too!

You are not alone with having Aspergers, anxiety or depression of any kind. I understand your anguish where anxiety and depression are concerned as they have been with me for a while now even though I am in recovery

I have a great GP that I see every 4 weeks that I see for a 'tune up'. He is a legend and really cares about me

Can I ask if you have a GP or counselor that understands what you are going through?

There are many super gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Jeffy. The forums are also great as they are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post too 🙂

I really hope you can post back when its convenient for you

my kind thoughts

Paul

[therising]

Hi Jeffyboi

I welcome you with a warm smile and an open mind, as you set out on your search for answers.

Like Paul, I'm wondering whether you have any support from professionals who have some understanding in regard to Asperger's, anxiety and depression. I believe, with the right support, you may gain a better understanding when it comes to how you are feeling and thinking.

Jeffyboi, something worth keeping in mind is the idea that we are so much more than just our brain although our brain does factor into things, sometimes in a big way. By the way, I believe we would feel a little more educated and empowered if people changed the dialogue a little. I'll give you an example:

• With an official diagnosis, anyone can say 'You have Asperger's. You have depression. You have anxiety.'

Compare this with a more informative and helpful diagnosis

• 'Your brain displays the behaviour/workings of Asperger's syndrome. Your brain displays the behaviour/workings of depression. Your brain displays the behaviour/workings of anxiety. So...would you like me to send you off somewhere where you can receive an education in how the brain works under such conditions, so that you can better understand how and why you're thinking the way you are?'

Personally, I'd much prefer the 2nd conversation as it doesn't define you, it defines your brain, a part of you.

Jeffyboi, we have so many neural networks firing and wiring up there in our head thousands of times a day. We have so much chemistry surging around up there. A diagnosis, in part, simply defines a state of firing and chemistry. Happy, sad, motivated and so on are states of chemistry to a large degree, therefor if the chemistry is not working effectively in certain ways, happy, sad and motivated are things we may not be able to feel at times. If you really want to get into it, the communication between the brain and parts of the autonomic nervous system go toward explaining the state of anxiety. Education is so important, when it comes to truly understanding aspects of our self.

There is a deep unique part of you longing for answers and I believe this is the part of you that will serve you well when it comes to understanding your self. It's that part of you that truly defines you, as a seeker and explorer as you set off on your quest for answers.

Take care of yourself Jeffyboi

[PamelaR]

Hi jeffyboi and a very warm welcome. Blondguy and therising have given you very good information, care and support. There is not much more I can add.

You sound very frightened about how yourself and your diagnosis. I think you are very brave sharing your story here. Well done.

Knowing now about your Aspergers may help you to understand yourself a little more. To know that those times of not feeling or not knowing what you are feeling is normal. There are many of us who have Asperger tendencies. You’ll find there are many who are successful, in high places, the media, Hollywood.

It’s okay to not feel when you don’t. Be gentle with yourself.

Keep reaching out here if and when you want.

kind regards

pamelar

[Guest_543]

Hey mate,

I don't have a aspergers diagnosis but I can definitely relate. There is a book called the happiness trap you might want to check out. From an early age we given the belief that we have a lot of control over our feelings when really we don't. This leads us to get really caught up on changing undesirable feelings. How someone feels (or doesnt) isn't right or wrong, it just is. You may as well blame them for their height. There are ways to change feelings long term but everyone has to come to accept how they feel at times.

So you don't feel something, that's fine.

Think you should feel a certain way? Why? Because other people feel that way? However you feel is valid. I am pretty zen in emergency rooms compared to most people, but more anxious in other mundane places. We could discuss how other people feel, or whether how I feel is "right" but it doesn't matter. For the foreseeable future this is me, I'm not going to stress about it, it wouldn't help if I did.

Don't know how you feel? That's fine. Right now I feel nothing in particular. Also people sometimes challnege you because they are trying to justify how they feel. In the future you may find you feel differently but at the moment getting upset about not feeling the "right" thing is going to get in the way.

Don't understand how your feeling? That describes all of us most of the time. You can't tell because most people would say they know how they are feeling but it is at best a theory. We are a mix of multiple emotions with a little voice on top pretending we have some sort of control. My ex would say shes angry and frustrated until we got food. So was she angry or hungry?

It sounds like your primary concern is that you think you should feel a certain way, you expect to be able to change how you feel, to know how you feel, etc when none of that is true. Instead try to accept how you feel (or don't feel) without judgement. It's not a cure for everything (see gp, and psychologist) but it'll remove the extra pain of struggling with how you feel about your feelings (or lack of).