Why can't I love anyone else?

[Kittenx]

When I was young use to be incredibly emotionally dependent on some body else to feel happy, I was always in and out of relationships and they all ended in heartache, I felt puppy love but the novelty always rubbed off until I met someone at the age of 17, he was 23 and I was absolutely head over heels inlove, it lasted about a year and he was my best friend, we never had a fight or disagreement, he had a baby before we were together and our relationship ended when the mother of his child moved into state and he had to move to stay connected to his baby, I told him I completely understood and even though it broke my heart it meant more to me for him to be happy, I was trying to come to terms with the situation and move on when a short period after (I don't remember how long but it was a week or two) I found out he was in a relationship with a new girl which caused a falling out in our friendship so we stopped communicating. I was in two relationships after that but I never felt anything more for them then friendship, at the beginning I told them both I didn't want to be in a relationship with them but I was pressured into both relationships I guess due to my low self esteem I didn't know how to say just say no because I didn't want to hurt their feelings, after my last relationship ended I decided not to settle for anyone or commit until I learned how to be emotionally independent, it's now been 5 years since my last relationship and although I've had absolutely gorgeous guys try to peruse me in this time and I am so happy and confident with myself I just feel numb when it comes to boys and it makes me feel really sad, I'm now 25 and once in a blue moon he still pops into my head and I'll look at his facebook page, shortly after my last relationship I sent him a message asking to be friends and it went well for a week until he asked me to come over to his house and specified that I couldn't stay the night because he had to be up early for work, I took this as a "booty call with no strings" proposition and it made me realise if I saw him the feelings would still be there and I would get hurt and I'm not stupid enough to do that to myself so I decided to stop talking to him, I've really tried to move on but 8 years later and I still feel that pull toward him, will I ever be able to move on and be normal? It feels like I'll never care about anyone again, I really miss having that special thing with someone, I'm so sick of it and at this point I want help 😞

[HamSolo01]

Reading this made me think of my own situation. In a similar sense I've had puppy love. Thing is I never did anything about it. It's been that way since high school (I'm 23 now). I was beginning to think I'd never be happy and I'd never meet anyone special. I think people like us are guilty of putting people up on a pedestal and thinking that they will solve our problems. I've never ever been in a relationship, never been kissed etc etc. The girls that I have been interested in and actually tried to get to know? Well they ended up going nowhere. I've always felt I've never been able to move on so much so that I kind of hate the idea of a relationship (which is wrong).

Lately, I've embraced the anxiety and depression I deal with. I've begun to see the importance of working on myself before going into any form of commitment. At the end of the day, I want compassion and understanding in the context of a romantic relationship (Call me picky if you want haha). I genuinely believe that when people rip us off and it leaves heartache, we have the ability (if we let ourselves) to mend our hearts and we are stronger for it in the end. I look at the spell of crap that I've gone through (even one girl telling me mental health issues were not even a thing, and that it could be cured by alternative medicine) and I begin to see what I look for in a girl. The reality is that we accept the love we think we deserve, I just haven't found it yet (boohoo hahaha).

This guy you spoke about sounds like a moron. Well done on stopping yourself getting hurt. It pains me when I see girls do that. They end up rushing head on into a bad situation. Happened to a good friend of mine. It's not like I know what's best for her, but I certainly could see the guy she was with was a tosser. She's in a better relationship now and she's happier which is great 🙂 But in this day and age I think chivalry is gone and women are basically a form of currency in a marketplace of the pride-infused "alpha" male.

I'm guessing if you've had "absolutely gorgeous guys" try to peruse you, then you must be pretty 😛 As arrogant as it might sound, the same has happened to me (According to a friend, there have been girls who've found me attractive but I had no idea at the time). I think this is something I do out of fear. I fear hurt, pain, numbness and loneliness. Still do. However, I implore you to work on yourself and your heart. In time we all learn what we want. All the best 🙂

[Starwolf]

Hi Kittenx,

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.

It seems you have a good insight into what causes you to feel stuck in a previous relationship. Some intimate relationships can be transcended into friendships, others can't. It appears your ex easily moved on and perhaps wasn't quite honest about his feelings for you. It takes more than a couple of weeks to get over true love ! Charismatic people leave a deep impression but it doesn't mean they make good partners. You deserve a steadfast partner.

Well done for realizing the danger of becoming involved again, even on a friendship basis. You are right, as long as he is in your life, moving on will be too difficult. He has made his own position clear. Sometimes, radical surgery is required...a clean cut will help loosen the emotional bind.

Sometimes it feels we will never meet the right person. Have no doubt you will when you're ready and you can't be ready if your ex is still very much on your mind. The unexpected does happen...quite often as a matter of fact. So please don't despair and keep in mind that the best things in Life are worth waiting for.

Kindest thoughts.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Kittenx,

Totally understand where you're coming from. I had feelings for someone for a few years and then when we finally had the opportunity to be in a relationship it really didn't work out. It's normal to feel nostalgic about past relationships, but often that is simply the past and there's no saying that if you dated this person now it would work or if you'd even feel the same way as a couple. Often replaying all the great moments and reminiscing keeps that relationship alive - but the reality is that people change, life changes, and it might not even work out if you tried it. You will move on, you will love again, you will meet someone else. I promise. There really isn't one single person that is meant for anyone. I believe there are perfect people for us at all different stages in our lives. He might have been perfect for you when you were 17, but may not be perfect for you at 25 (and you deserve better than someone who moves on so quickly anyway). 25 is still young to meet someone, you have plenty of time and it is never too late. Sending you love.