What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

[Atelophobic]

im an average 17 y/o girl with an average life. Yes, I’m grateful for every little basic need, and luxuries, that I have but that does not mean I am happy.

I have been noticing for a while now that I’m having moments where I feel empty. I feel nothing even though my head feels like it’s gonna burst from the myriad of anxious/paranoid/hopeless thoughts. I feel like I’m internally screaming even though on the outside, I have a neutral expression.

When I’m surrounded by people, I interact like a normal person. But when I’m alone... I’m swarmed by my thoughts and emotions. I feel like crying on the inside as I’m writing this; like there’s a voice in my head wailing and screaming.. but I just cant bring myself to cry.

My mind is filled with anxious and paranoid thoughts of things that have happened in the past and of things in the present as little as someone not replying as quick as they usually do or a change in their tone when they speak or text. Or I get paranoid about things that haven’t even happened yet.

i feel hurt, sad, hopeless, guilty, angry, disgusted, tired and empty all at the same time. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel like the person that I am around people is different to how I am with myself.

At times I look in the mirror and think to myself that it’s okay, I’m average looking. At other times when I look at myself, I see the lack of curves, the dead look in my eyes, the droop in my shoulders, the paleness of my already porcelain skin and how disgusted I am with myself for constantly biting my nails so much that they barely grow. i see other girls and I feel hopeless; I’ll never be as pretty even if I put effort into looking good.

I have no one to talk to. I mean I do, but everyone just says “you are pretty, you are this, you are that”. No one tries to understand me or cares enough to just be how I would be to them if they were in my position.

[Possum_Magic1]

Hi Atelophobic

For such a young woman you definitely have a few issues. Firstly I really think you should have a chat with your Mum and make an appointment to see a specialist. Being able to talk with someone and get some counselling and support would do you the world of good.

I myself have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old. School life is crazy these days as there is so much pressure put on you from school and the constant competition with people in your year not to mention that more than half of them are being tutored to excel. Life for you is through so much social media which creates more competition which isn't great for your self esteem . I'm sure you are an attractive girl, have confidence in yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin and don't put yourself down.

Keep posting in the forum's as so many people here know your pain and are willing to help with some advice. Try to be kinder to yourself and plan to have a chat with your Mum or even the school councillor. I'm sure it will help you sort out a lot of your problems.

Take Care

Mel

[Atelophobic]

Hi Mel,

I don’t live with my Mum. My parents divorced a few years ago. I don’t go to school either; I study online at the moment. Which means I have no friends.

Im surrounded by the same 4 faces of my family members on most days.

When I see my old school friends, I see where they are in life at the moment and where I am in life. They are enjoying their lives like a normal teenage would, but me? I’ve had a bit more than my fair share of pain. I have been mistaken for looking like an adult because of the way I talk, walk and just am.

When I talk about this stuff to anyone in real life, I just break down in tears automatically. It’s a bit more easier to talk about it on a website since I don’t feel vulnerable as I would face-to-face.

.

[White_Rose]

Dear Atelophobic

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Your name describes you as someone who has a fear of not being good enough and you say you are not pretty, that the person in your mirror is a pale and dejected person. I presume this is indeed how you think of yourself.

A great deal of this fear would be put to rest if you had a chat to your GP. I don't know how well you get on with your GP as I feel you have no need to see a doctor very often. I suggest you ask your mom, as Mel has suggested, to take you to the doctor. If this is not possible do you have your own Medicare card. From 14 y.o. you can have your own card. Often doctors will bulk bill for young people if you want to go alone. Best check with the clinic first.

Have you had this feeling for long? I wonder if it is more about moving out of your teenage years when your body is changing, school has almost come to an end and you are uncertain about the future. These are huge stages to go through and I am not surprised it is causing you some difficulty. Seeing your doctor will help to get rid of these thoughts.

Feeling uncared for is hard. It's not necessarily true that no one cares, more likely you are not seeing the evidence of care. And that's OK. Most people feel no one cares about them at various stages of their lives. I think this could easily become all you think about which is another reason to see your doctor. Make a long appointment and get mom to go with you for moral support. Also print out your post above and show your doctor. It will help him/her to help you without going through all the questions. Much more comfortable.

I also suggest you take the K10 test. Scroll to the bottom of this page and click on Depression under The Facts and follow the links to the K10 test. It's not a diagnostic tool. It gives an indication of how you are travelling. Take a copy of that to the doctor. This is all background information that will help you and your doctor.

In the meantime please continue to write in here to keep in touch. This is a safe site so feel free to say whatever you feel. No judgement here.

Mary

[startingnew]

Hello Atelophobic and welcome to BB


I see you have met some of our loveley members and would also like to an extend a welcoming hand.


Its really brave of you to be posting about whats going on for you.


For abit of extra support, id recommend contacting Headspace or Kidshelpline. Both of these services offer online and phone counselling. Dont be put off by the kidshelpline. They help people up to 25yrs old and offer weekly sessions with the same counsellor is you wish to do that.
As well as Beyonf blue of course 🙂


there are quite a few resources that you could take a look at as well such as Reachout which is a website designed for people your age as well.


As others have suggested seeing your Gp and taking the K10 test would be a great help too.


Welcome aboard and looking forward to getting to know you