wanting to cut off a friendship

[kittyclaws23]

Hi,

I am turning 17 this year, and I have a best friend who we can call M. M is the same age as me and we have been friends for 6 years at this point. But recently the start of the year, I feel as though I don't want to be as close friends with her. This is due to three main reasons. 

1. She had a habit since we were in year 7 to copy off me. This escalated into her straight up asking me to make her cheatsheets in math instead of helping and submitting my english homework as her own. 

2. I understand she is going through a hard time currently and struggling with her mental health. I don't know if she means to be hurtful to me but sometimes it feels as though she is trying to embarrass me. She vents a lot and I vented to, and we have never told anyone what we told each other which I appreciate and respect. She genuinely just doesn't listen to advice I give her sometimes, I would tell her that she should try a different approach or maybe be wary of this person.

3. She invites herself to plans I make with others. It genuinely has reached a point where I don't want to tell her I hung out with other friends because she'll jokingly asked why she wasn't invited and whatnot and make a deal out of it, or if she does invite herself, she changes the plans to match what she has in mind.

BUT I am no better. While some situations I have communicated that she should stop doing this, it takes another three times for her to actually listen. I think I brought up stepping back slightly in our friendship in the past, but that never really changed anything. I'm tired of communicating, and I will acknowledge that makes me a bad friend because if I really cared about this friendship I would communicate. I also am friends with somebody who I told M I was mad at because this friend ignored me but apologised and now we are friends again, which is fake of me. I also vented to a friend about this (I will call them E), I was crying over the phone. The whole reason I started venting is because E off-handedly said that M was talking to her and said "Oh trust me you don't want (me) in your english class." Then followed up with a joke reason. I don't know why I started crying but I told E that I helped M so much in english it hurt to hear that. But I still shouldn't have vented because Iooking back I feel like I have no right to vent because I am just as bad as M.

I really need advice on what to do because I have a year of highschool with M left and am wondering if its worth worrying over.

[tactlesskwi]

Hey!!

We're exactly the same age, so I can kind of relate to the sort of social politics that might be going on here. This sounds like quite an awkward position, particularly given you've been friends for a while. I'm gonna try go through your points one by one:

1. The cheating is NOT OKAY and will not be tolerated if you go into further schooling after this. There are some strategies you can use in the future for this, like progressively showing work to your teacher and having regular discussions with them. If you're comfortable with it, I think this might be something you could raise with M (kindly of course) because it's not okay and will likely result in you both getting in trouble.
2. Just because someone else is going through a hard time, it does NOT give them an excuse to hurt or embarrass you. You are not a doormat, and while it's important to support friends, this should not come at the expense of your mental health. It sounds a bit like they just needs someone to vent to right now, opposed to giving advice, so I'd try not to be too offended when they don't necessarily take the advice. I don't really have much to offer here honestly, other than remember you have value as well 🙂
3. This is awkward... it's possible M feels left out and can't pick up on social cues and hence invites themselves places. Do you do little catchups with M outside of school? You should never feel like you have to, but feeling left out may be a reason for this. Conversely, they're jealous of the people you're spending time with and are being controlling, or are just trying to mess with you, all of which are also not okay. If you've tried communicating (sounds like you have!) and it hasn't worked, then maybe it's time to have a sit-down conversation, but that likely depends on M's temperament. 

It sounds like a difficult situation, and you are so within your rights to be a little stressed about it all. My advice would be to sit down and talk to M one on one and have a serious discussion, because there's always two sides to every story. It sounds like you're quite empathetic though and might realise that. Talking to each other might clear up some misunderstandings from both perspectives, BUT some people just can't do this for whatever reason. If you have a trusted adult in your life, maybe you could talk to them, and you are always more than welcome to send me a message to talk. 

You sound like you are a kind, caring friend, and I wish you all the best - good luck!!

[kittyclaws23]

Hi!

Thank you so much for the advice

I can clarify a couple things! M is actually a big extrovert and hangs out with friends outside of school or talks to other people constantly. She goes to parties or trips to the city with her drama school friends. She calls them and plays minecraft with them constantly. Thats actually the reason why I had a problem with her inviting herself, because she talks about her hangouts and plans she will be making in front of me, or makes plans in front of me, and I do not bat an eye. I genuinely do not care unless I am making plans and she invites herself. 

You're not wrong that I should communicate with her about it and that is my problem in this situation. As for the venting, she doesn't vent to people privately, she tells other people she only knew for a month, or makes self-deprecating jokes at group hangouts that ruin the mood. Is it bad that I am tired of trying to communicate and just want to hurry up and graduate and gradually drift apart naturally? 

Once again thanks for the advice!

[key31]

Hi, my name is key, 

I have been reading your posts and the reply from tactlesskwi. 

They have some really good points and give really good and valid advice. I completely agree with her points. 

I am a 24 female and have experienced both sides of similar things in high school. It is not bad, stupid or dumb for you to feel tired for communicating to someone, you are a human being, and I know that you'll hear this often but how she carries herself is not your problem, if you take time to communicate and share advice or even listen to her vent that's ok. I feel it would be a different story if M didn't have any friends or didn't go out often or at all with other people. If she wanted to spend more time with you, and you don't feel comfortable with hanging out with her, you should voice your concern. always let your friends know how you are feeling AKA if you are not comfortable or emotionally available in that moment, let them know. you can structure this response like this, " I am glad that you want to spend time with me right now, but I need some time for myself to recuperate." For me, giving me a time frame really helps aka if my partner would like some time by himself when he gets home from work, he says can I please have one hour by myself, if after an hour he would like more time, he'll say I would like another 30 minutes, this helps me a lot, and also sets a boundary. This also sets rules and helps my mind not to spiral of when he would like to interact. I am autistic level 2 and don't pick up Suttle hints at all unless someone tells me straight up to the point, it is not something I can change just manage. for example, as well, if the person is giving me a time limit, i will ask a little after that time limit to check if that person wants interaction.  

I would say friends come and go, you are young, and although you'll feel the big feelings for a while, they will soon pass. 

Try to communicate and have a conversation with M and put up boundaries, if she doesn't respect them, its ok for you to not be friends with them. 

Please let me know if there are any questions you have. 

[kittyclaws23]

Hi! Thank you so much for the advice!

Question is venting to my other close friend(E) why I want to cut M off, and having genuine explanations as to why I want to cut her off, is that toxic? Am I in the wrong for that?

In terms of putting up boundaries, I remember in the past up till now I always told her that I wouldn't. help her anymore and she'd say she understood then ask me. I said I wanted a small break from our friendship because it was becoming too much, I think I said this on two occasions and it felt as though nothing had changed. I didn't want to make this change or go to this place, she would keep asking me over what I felt like several days. My biggest memory was when I had a tight deadline to hit for a film-making project and she wanted to keep adding changes but I was genuinely so stressed I started crying to her, and even then afterwards she still suggested some ideas, I honestly blame myself for going alone with them because I was so tired. My memory is really bad so I'm only going to give those two examples because while I feel as though there were more times, I'm not going to include speculation. BUT there is one thing I want to bring up and that is that I always end up giving in to her at some point, and that is my fault. If I am going to set boundaries but not follow through with them I am also at fault. But regardless thank you so so much for the advice

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thanks for sharing your story here.

It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot and for a long while. And I want youy to know nothing of what you said in your post makes you a bad friend. You’ve tried communicating, being supportive. And with all of this you are allowed to feel tired when things don’t change.

\You only have one year left of school. It’s okay to keep things civil, kind, and friendly, without forcing closeness if it does not feel right. You don’t need to end the friendship, but there are some things you can do or try... for example, you can take a small step back. That might mean not sharing as much, not always including her in every plan, and letting the friendship naturally settle into something lighter and less draining.

And while I say the above, this can be difficult for people much older such as myself. It takes practice. If possible, you could practice with people you trust in being a little more assertive.)

One thing i can say is that you are self-aware, and you care, and you’re trying to do the right thing. And that already says a lot about you.

Take care of yourself too.

Listening