Under the pressure

[Vicki_klm]

Hi,

I normally don't talk about negative or sad things that could bring out some emotions of regret in others towards me so this is a little bit hard for me to open up.

But, I feel like it is time to vent. I am very greatful person for every experience that happened to me and I understand that there are good experiences and bad experiences that shape us in life. However, there is one experience that I can't forget and makes me so wreckless especially when I get upset or stressed, it gets worse and I start thinking about it deeper and feel so frustrated. I am talking about my close friend who committed a suicide 6 years ago. I know it is been a while since it happened but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. The worst thing is that he told me that he was going to do that but I thought he was joking and therefore I did not try to help him. I couldnt do anything that time even when I wish nowadays that i could. I really miss him and think how different it would be if he was still here. I dont know why he did that but now I know that I will never get the answer. I just want to move on and stop thinking about it everytime I feel upset.

I did not tell anyone how I really felt about this experience and no one knows that sometimes I get really depressed and everytime I get depressed, I think about him and us, good times we spent together.

Also, because I am almost 25 y.o. my family wants me to move closer to them but I feel like I am not ready. I am not ready to settle down, to get married, to have kids etc., to live like they want me to.

I dont understand why it is so hard to decide what you want to do in life, where you want to live and who you'd like to spend your life with. I feel like even love is not for me. Everytime I open up to someone, I am being hurt. People think getting attached is not cool anymore but instead just having sex for one night.

Why is it so hard to make decisions in life? Why can't I live how I want?

[Croix]

Dear Vicki_klm~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and know how hard it can be to simply relate what has happened and how it has affected you. Still I'm sure it will be worth it, reaching is very sensible.

Dealing with the suicide of a friend is one of the hardest things a person can do in their whole life, and there is no timescale. It can seem like yesterday because the greif, frustration, guilt and all the rest remain fresh. It is so much worse because you were in contact and did not believe - which really is quite normal. Suicide is outside our everyday experience, and therefor very hard to accept as a real danger..

While I'm sure it is true there is little point in reminding you that you could have done nothing anyway, you already know that.

Some people are luckier than others and in time come to terms with the event, and while never happy about it reach the stage where it is not constantly resurfacing and making life so upsetting.

It's sad you have not found the right people to support you, can I suggest if you have not already done so you seek professional support? Your GP should be able to locate a psycologist or councilor who has experience helping people who have been affected by someone close to them taking their life. Having that experience is important.

As for moving near you family, settling down and all the rest. You most probably are not ready, and there is nothing wrong with that. Going down that path just because others expect it would be a real mistake.

I think you will end up living how you want. You are a warm person who has had a great tragedy and simply need a little help to come to terms with things and then when ready make the decisions about your future life.

Can I suggest when you become depressed over this to use a help line? The Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) is there for people just like you and can be both sensible and a comfort. It is no big deal to ring.

I'd realy like it if you came back and talked some more

Croix