Trying to stabilise my life, failing miserably

[Perpetually_Perplexed]

Hello all,

I'm finding it really difficult to express my thoughts, so I apologise in advance.. I am 22 years old and since about 15, I have found my headstate increasingly difficult to manage. I feel like I jump from personality to personality, uncontrollably. Large stretches of time are filled with drinking, drugs, dancing, talking to random people at parks and being carefree. And, inevitably, at some point something in me clicks, and the walls of my world start collapsing inwards and I am rendered little more than a crying, selfish, self-loathing wreck. Sometimes I go completely numb, especially when faced with aggression and authority. Other times I feel like I have finally surfaced after holding my breath for a few years and can see things clearly for the first time, but then that perspective will subtly become toxic and eventually my headstate will shift again.

I've made many attempts to stabilise my life - Tried going to TAFE, twice. Same with Uni. Each time started out well, I'd be getting high marks and making friends and then, snap. Everything is looming hideously before me and my thoughts become obsessive and I start doing ridiculous things like checking my lips every few minutes for signs of drooping in case I have stroke, I twitch a lot and jump at everything, I try to sleep and my hands and face feel numb and that freaks me out completely. Have nightmares where I wake up paralysed and screaming in a weird voice. My emotions just go haywire and I can't focus on anything.

Today I burst out in tears in front of my boss. I've been working for him for only a month, and this is my first 'real' job. It's a nice environment, and the people I work with are all actually lovely, and up until yesterday and obviously today, I was handling it alright - nervous, sure, but staying on top of it. And then yesterday, click, the simplest, most pathetic of tasks are enormous and I become paralysed in place by a hundred different emotions and thoughts all flooding to the forefront of my mind.

Thank you to all those who put up with my ramblings, I can feel the inconsistency in the way it's written..

[Zeal]

Welcome to beyond blue PP,

What you are dealing with psychologically sounds so difficult and confusing. If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition or received help for one in the past? It sounds as though you have been facing these mental health challenges on your own, which must feel scary and isolating. Do you live at home with your family, or have you moved out? Based on your post, you sound very independent. While independence is generally healthy, it's crucial you have emotional support from close family and friends. I also urge you to make an appointment with a doctor (GP) about the personality jump you've described, the obsessive behaviours (e.g. checking your lips constantly), and about the drinking and drug use. The earlier you get help, the better.

I'm very glad the people you work with are lovely. Hopefully your boss is able to accept that you had a difficult emotional moment and keep treating you well. If he asks, you could say something along the lines of "I get nervous sometimes because I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I am getting help soon to better deal with stress and pressure." As long as you see your GP soon for help, you should be able to continue your job.

I hope you can see your doctor soon. You are most welcome to reply 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Perpetually_Perplexed]

Thank you so much for replying, SM.

I've been to quite a few different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years, but I have difficulty expressing myself to them. I try to be clear and honest about what is going on, but I get flustered and can't think straight. I'll see one for a little while, usually an appointment made when I was truly at wits end. I'd been diagnosed a few different things, from simple anxiety to schizophrenia and prescribed different medications, which mostly felt awful and I couldn't persevere with them.

I moved out as soon as I was able to. I get along with my Dad in metered doses but his love is of the lifesucking variety. His perspective on life, is the only perspective on life, and that is that. Irish Catholic, ex military, I know, cliche. My Mum is lovely, but in many ways she is as crazy as I am.. I've lived in numerous sharehouses, in a couple of different states. There are only two people I consider my best friends and they both live in two different states now. My housemates are pleasant, albeit messy, but there is no drama.

My boss is understanding, although he has an enormous amount of work to do and needs me to be able to do my work without worrying about me breaking down for literally no discernible reason. I feel an obligation to not hold him back and be a burden of an employee but I cannot go back to the constant background shame of having to be on Centrelink.

Thank you again for replying, I really appreciate it.