Too Distracted by Emotions to Finish Assignments

[Soulstorm]

I'm trying to complete a task that is due tomorrow but I keep feeling sad and stressed. My classes contain a few "intellectuals" that make fun of me for getting a low marks and the class in question is one that I'm already failing (I'm in year 12) . Nobody supports me, not even my single mum, but that's because she has mental health issues to worry about. I keep thinking about how she needs to lose weight but she's been like this for years and clearly isn't determined enough to go through with it. I can't speak to anyone like the counsellor because she's never there when I want to talk to her. Everyone acts like me and my mum don't matter and she is constantly reminded of bad memories no matter where she turns to. The teacher is like a new stepdad that you want to impress and I don't know if I can face his look of disappointment again. Lastly, I'm a boy, so I don't ever recieve compliments or words of praise from anyone, which really takes a toll on me. Anyway, I know I'm stressing over my ATAR too much but I have zero connections and I'm also financially weak right now.

[Quercus]

Hi Soulstorm and welcome to the forums,

The Mum in me is worrying about replying and giving you more distractions from your task but you sound very down and I'm concerned.

Its sad to hear you don't get positive feedback. Wanting to make people proud and gain their approval is an incredibly common feeling. But sometimes we try hard to gain approval from people who truly do not matter. Stuff the "intellectuals". What they think of you is worth squat. They're happy to put you down but haven't bothered to ask if you need help. People worth your time will care in return.

Your teacher looking disappointed isn't a bad thing... It means he cares, sees your potential, worries for you perhaps.

Do you think if you told him you needed help and asked to speak to him he would listen? Given you're anxious about your ATAR and subject you're struggling a bit in this is a good conversation starter.

I was similar to you in that it felt like it was my job to worry about my Mum. But she is an adult. Yes you love her but it isn't your job to take on her hurts. When she is ready to seek out help she will... You can't make someone feel ready. What you can do is try start a conversation about you and what you need. When I'm depressed it is hard to always notice how people are around me so it helps when people tell me what they need me to do. Perhaps this could mean asking her to help you study.

I'm sure others will reply in time. Please know you're welcome to join in wherever you like about the forums.

Nat

[Soulstorm]

Hi Quercus, I've seen your posts before.

Sorry for replying late. I'm in a better state of mind now. I've accepting that I messed up and that I can bounce back from this. I think it is better if Mum doesn't get involved with my learning. It hurts me knowing she has nothing to live for though. Thanks for your response.

[continuousventer]

Hey Soulstorm

I also come from similar circumstances to yours and I have somewhat of an understanding of where you're coming from. I did ATAR last year as a mature aged student. It was stressful, I was sad for most of it. However, it never stopped me from studying because I wanted a better life. I wanted to escape the poverty cycle with education. One thing I definitely regret is being sad over things I can't control ie being poor, relying on centrelink payments etc. Focus on what you can do, focus your effort on your assignments :))

I wouldn't listen too much to those who make fun of you for getting low scores. Everyone is bound to encounter failure at some point in their lives. Even me, I have gotten low scores in the past and I have managed to get into university. So there's hope for you! If I can do it, you can do it too

I got to admit it is hard to support yourself knowing no one supports you. I know, because I've been through it. While growing up, I never had anyone to talk to about my personal issues. My mum always internalised her issues, and if I wanted to talk to her, she was dismissive. I'm 20 years old now. All I get from other people is "you got to carry yourself", "you're 20, you should be able to take care of yourself" It's tough not having a family bond - it's the template you carry with all of your other relationships and how you view the world becomes complex. You just want care.

It's a bit saddening to not meet someone else's expectations. But most importantly, you have to live for yourself, not for other people.

You got this, you can do this, you got to believe in yourself.

ATAR is stressful, however, don't stress yourself too much over it. You do the best you can. It's difficult concentrating when everything around you isn't helping.

Best of luck with your ATAR. If it doesn't work out, there are other options. Also don't listen to those other boys, once you graduate you don't really see your fellow classmates much. They might be smart, but they definitely lack compassionate. Sounds like they are underestimating you. You are worthy of so much more!

[Quercus]

Hi Soulstorm,

A slow reply doesn't faze me, goodness knows I'm not great at replying promptly! We all write as we feel able and it's absolutely ok.

But thank you for taking the time to reply and let us know how you're doing. I appreciate it. It's good to read that you've managed to get into a more positive mindset. Good for you, shows you're resilient and strong.

Fair enough not wanting your Mum to help with study. Perhaps it won't help to share this but it is sad to read the hurt in your post and I hoped it might help somehow... I struggle with thoughts of suicide and am a Mum. My kids are always my reason to live although I doubt they realise that. Even if I'm constantly pushing them away, isolating, rejecting, seeming like nothing and noone matters... Inside they are what makes me keep trying.

Continuous Venter mentioned your classmates underestimating you... I think you're also underestimating yourself. Unmanaged depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to explain to someone else outside of your mind. It isn't a matter of you not being worth living for. You definitely are. From my experience it is more that I feel my family would be better off without me because I'm not worthy of them and keep failing them. It is utter bollocks but when depressed I believe that blindly. I love my family so very much and I'm sure your Mum loves you equally. It's not your fault she is unwell.

If it helps you to keep writing I hope you feel able to.

Nat

[Lemon123]

Hey Soulstorm,

Cool nickname by the way. I am also in a Soul storm.

I am a year 12 teacher. Here to tell you that this SUCKS and I wish school was different. It is really unfair and too much these days. I'm so sorry that you feel that because you're a guy, you don't feel that basic kind of support that you absolutely need. You are important, your thoughts and feelings are valid, and the world's it's a sad, lonely, sad, messy, sad, worrisome place sometimes. Did I mention that it's damn sad?!

Just here to share this feeling. You're not alone. It's really, really tough. You've gotta just get through. Don't worry if you're not getting too SAC grades. Just get through. Keep pedalling. Be proud of surviving mentally and emotionally, and try to find time to breathe and laugh. Vine compilations in between some study.

And also when you're studying, try to be as detailed as possible in describing ideas and then pick out the key points and use those as your main points in your notes. Even if this isn't exactly the homework, it is something and it is helpful revising in a "less is more" mind frame sometimes.

You're going to find your feet. Sending you non-weird professional love and hugs.

Look after your mum. Just be kind. Reach out to her in a small way. Even just a hug. She's in struggle street every day as well and it helps to talk. She may not be up to any "help" as you expect but she will be your warmth and love underneath the other fuckery. She will want to be there for you and that is a start. Be kind only.

Good luck with everything.