Struggling with my Life

[Lovenine]

I’m 21 year old female and I hate my life. Font get me wrong, I have amazing things within it such as my family & boyfriend but that’s it... I hate who I am... I’m in uni and it’s horrible - I dropped out in year 10 tried studying a little bit, failed - had a year off and just did my own thing then after I got a crappy job at a fast food restaurant and ended up quitting a few months later because the pay and the people were terrible. I thought this was a good thing cause it made me want to go to university and aim high and get a degree and a great job. But here I am... hating it - I want to drop out, I’m not a study person, I find it so boring and I have such a short attention span... it makes me depressed when I even think about having to do uni work... I hate the feeling but then when I think about dropping out and looking else where - I have no options! I feel trapped and I just want to cry because I don’t know what to do! I live with my boyfriend and he basically takes care of me, I buy my food and pay a little for rent but he pays majority... he is such an amazing guy and I feel like I am a burden to him... I failed one of my university subjects today and I’m so ashamed I don’t want to tell anyone - I don’t even want to enrol into it again. I tried looking for jobs outside of Uni, but majority of jobs in my area (I live in a small town) all require some sort of degree or experience... I just want to get a job and be earning a decent wage I can live off with my boyfriend... I’m still in university but everyday I think about it, I contemplate leaving... I know I have depression and I know it doesn’t help my feelings on my entire situation but I just don’t what to do... part of me feels the need to stay in uni and theother part just wants to curl up in bed and never leave. I don’t know, I don’t even know what I expect people to say to this. I guess I want advice - Is it just my depression taking over me and damaging my perception on university... And I’m 21 and still in first year because I have no motivation... I take on 2 subjects instead of 4 which has caused me to fall behind from people my own age. I don’t know what to - any advice is welcome - I just want to feel better and want to accomplish something

[Doolhof]

Hi Lovenine,

Welcome to the community here. Is it possible for you to talk to your parents about how you are feeling?

Is it possible for you to be open to your boyfriend?
Would you consider talking to a Dr about how you are feeling? They may be able to offer you help and suggestions.

Is there a counsellor at the Uni or a lecturer you could talk to?

Depression can certainly make it difficult to learn, to be motivated, to find a sense of meaning in one's life and so many other negative impacts.

The beyondblue website has information on depression. I find if I read up about the issues I have, I understand them better and find ways to change and improve my life and to move forward.

Trying to think of three things to be thankful each day can be a start to changing your thoughts around from the unhelpful to the more helpful.

All the best, from Dools

[DanTheMan001]

Hi Lovenine! I sorta feel the same way that you do. I am in year 8 and school is just a horror to go to. I have tried speaking to my parents, Counsellors and even teachers. Even my friends are a bit annoying sometimes. To keep myself happy I try to get into stuff, but I am quite reluctant to go outside because I always have pains whenever I go outside to the park or something. The pains are like pins and needles stabbing into random parts of my body, but mostly my head and chest. Due to this and unhealthy eating I am so unfit and this makes it worse. I usually play video games like Fortnite or Rainbow Six Siege. My father is always grumpy and yelling at everyone and my brother screams at me whenever I try to tell him what to do (for example, get ready).

I don't really want to tell many people because it just makes me feel worse, but when I look at these forums I feel kinda better because there are others that feel the same/similar way to me. But it also makes me feel like an idiot because my life isn't really that bad. It's just school that I need to get away from. I have negotiated with my mother about moving schools, but if I want a decent education, I have to go the the gifted and talented program.

I really want to try to get into tennis because other sports aren't very good because I hate contact sports. It seems like all the boys in my year like rugby just to tackle each other and not get into trouble. I hate myself because I am really bad at everything I try to do. I used to have a positive mindset (ex. "I'm going to win this!"), but I always just feel sad because I don't really meet my goals. It would be the best thing if you could help me and it would mean a lot to me.

[Lovenine]

I understand where you are coming from 100%. I only recently stumbled across these forums and this website but reading what people write and the support and help people give out I gave it a try. I compared my situation with a lot of other people as well and my life in comparison but that is such a bad mind set to have. I'm a very closed off person and I only open up to my boyfriend and my mum sometimes but I don't want to annoy them with my problems, so I usually hold onto them... School/Study isn't for everyone, and I've looked online and for jobs that pay decent so I could live comfortable but I don't have much luck... I posted on here because I wanted advice and to vent my feelings (helps a lot in my opinion), but after I got how I felt out, I closed my laptop, I got upset and laid in bed and cried, I went to sleep upset and woke up the next day feeling annoyed with myself - cause again I felt I let myself down, I didn't actually fail my subject YET, I left it to the last minute and was overwhelmed with what I had to do... When I actually got up, I grabbed my laptop and started working on it (it is due at midnight tonight) and I am still working on it at the moment, I have no motivation at all but I am pushing myself to get it done, because for me personally when I complete something even if it isn't the best I can do, but I try & it makes me feel a lot better. I'm sorry I am not the best at giving advice, but I think you shouldn't be to hard on yourself, everyone tells me that I am still young and have plenty of time to figure out what I want to do but I don't look at it like that, I just want to get where I want to get as soon as possible. I push myself and then I have breakdowns... like last night where I gave up and cried all night long cause I left something to the last minute and stressed about it... I was ready to give up but when I got up this morning I had a burst of determination just to hand something in.. It makes me so sad that people in high school can feel the same way I do, it breaks my heart because the way I end up feeling during a breakdown destroys me - when I was in year 8, I had no worries because I didn't care. it is a good thing that you are seeking help and you want to achieve more and be more but along with that, comes doubt and stress. Everyone fails and no one is perfect, I try to aim to be perfect but it isn't possible.I have goals and as much as I struggle to do Uni, I think about these goals to push myself. I hope I helped

[Doolhof]

Hi Lovenine and DantheMan001,

It is wonderful you have connected here and are able to chat and share what you are experiencing. It has been a long time since I have been at school, I do recall some of the issues I had there.

At present I am studying and then need to do 120 hours of placement that will be unpaid in order to gain the certificate. Right now I have thrown a spanner in the works as I have torn ligaments in my ankle and a moon boot on. I have been told I can't drive for 6 to 8 weeks and we live in a small town with no public transport. So I am housebound for a while.

Sharing our frustrations, our confusion, feelings of inadequacies and what ever else is bugging us can help. Trying to find solutions, one step at a time is beneficial. Making small plans that are achievable helps you to gain a sense of being able to do something, then may encourage you to try something else.

Crying can be healing. It helps to let go of frustrations and that awful built up feeling of not getting anywhere.

It can be important to write down the good things, the helpful, what you have managed to achieve and to have something to look forward to.

Wishing you both all the best with your school work/uni.

Cheers from Dools

[LavenderTea]

Hey Lovenine and DanTheMan001.

Firstly, I want to point out to both of you that you're still trying... This is amazing! Hold on to that.

Lovenine, there's a really good example of something that happened in class the other week that I want to tell you about. We'd been looking at personality profiles, and had been given an example of someone who had a few, really random jobs, didn't like studying, was always described as someone who "could do more if they tried"... we were trying to work out what jobs would suit this person given their personality profile... We thought the outlook wasn't so great... To cut a long story short... It turned out that the person whose profile we were looking at was our lecturers who now has a PhD, has written papers, and is now teaching us. My point is, not being motivated to study, and not liking the school environment... it might just be a part of your personality, a part of who you are, but it doesn't mean you should give up. You've said that you do feel better when you try and get something done... hold on to this and keep on keeping on.

In saying that, if you feel like your depression is something that's impacting on your life, it's important to seek help for this. Generally universities have free counseling, so this might be a way to help you manage your depression and persist through.

DanTheMan001, it's okay not to be like the others at your school, and to not like what they like - you are unique, and the fact that you're realizing that now is fantastic. It sounds like there is a lot of negative-self talk... It's important to be more kind to yourself.

It sounds like the situation at home can be a bit tricky too, but I'm glad that your mum is willing to listen to what you need. If you do need to talk to someone about what's going on though, you can always call Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) which is a free phone counseling service available 24/7.

LT.