Stepmother hates me and is ruining my relationship with my dad

[london1298]

My dad and I used to be so close, we would hang out every day, but when my parents split up and my dad started seeing my stepmum i started to see him less and less. Partially because she obviously disliked me, because he didn't make an effort anymore, and because I never felt welcome in that house. They both moved to a different city and now i see him twice a year at most.

about 4 months ago I was staying at my dads house and coincidentally my mum (who is the kindest, loveliest person ever) was also in the city with my stepfather. I had been up all night because I had a bad cold and couldn't breathe, my dad and stepmum were at work and so I called my mum because I was still struggling so hard to breathe. She got an uber to my dads house and sat with me while we waited for an ambulance to come. When we arrived at the hospital they did so many tests and found out that I had pneumonia and bronchitis. My dad didn't bother to leave work early, but came to the hospital to sit with me. The whole time he was on his phone and when I asked him why he said that my stepmum was very angry that my mum had been in her house. She did not care nor did she ask how I was, she was furious that when I was so unwell and couldn't reach her or my dad, I asked for my mum to come and help me. That is ridiculous and hurtful.

I was released from hospital at 8pm that night and went back to my dads house. on the way home my dad said that because my stepmum was so angry, she probably wouldn't come out of her room to see me. This really is a depiction of her as a person; really couldn't give a damn about me, just herself. So I laid down to rest and I heard them fighting. My stepmother called my mum a B*tch that spreads lies about her and said that she hated my sister and I. I didn't want to be in that house so I left and sat on the curb crying. my dad followed me out and drove me to my mums hotel room.

she never said sorry for the awful things she said about my mum and my sister. My mother always encouraged me to have a good relationship with my stepmum and tried to help me see things from my stepmoms side when I would get upset about something. My stepmum said horrible things about my family and didn't care at all that I was unwell. I don't think she was sorry for what she said I just think she's sorry that I heard her. My dad has tried to get me to reconcile with her but I don't know if i want to. But im scared that if i don't I will lose any relationship I have with my dad.

[Doolhof]

Hi london,

Sorry to read that you had such a health scare, hope you are feeling a lot better now.

Relationship breakdowns can be difficult for all involved. There may be many reasons why your stepmother behaved the way she did. It may be that she will never change. The thing is for you to try to stay in touch with your Dad when ever and how ever that is possible.

If you feel yourself getting annoyed with your Dad when he mentions your stepmum, maybe tell him you don't know how to deal with that situation right now and past experiences make you feel uncomfortable with her.

I have found accepting people as they are no matter how much they hurt me is beneficial...but hard to do at times!

Your Mum has a wonderful attitude! Maybe your stepmum is feeling vulnerable when you are around, maybe she is envious of the relationship you do have with your Dad. It is hard to know how other people think.

I'd like to suggest you keep in touch with your Dad. Tell him how much he means to you and maybe ask about your stepmum out of politeness. We don't have to act towards others as they act towards us.

I'm not sure of your age, but you may also benefit from calling Kids Line (Sorry I don't have the number on me)

Wishing you all the best,

Cheers from Dools

[Aaronsis]

Hi london1298

I can see how hurt and sad you are at the changes that have happened between you and your dad and that is really frustrating.

I just want to said about “Partially because she obviously disliked me, because he didn't make an effort anymore,” I would just like to say, what is it that she did that made it “obvious” she didn’t like you? I am just thinking your dad has found a new interest and she would have wanted to perhaps take things slowly with you and not be a mother to you, as you have a mother but more of a friend. She perhaps didn’t want to get in your face and just take things slowly and this has perhaps missed the mark and you have seen it as her not liking you.
I agree with you though that is disappointing that you didn’t get the support you needed from him at the time when you were sick and in the hospital, however , and I know it may seem like I am taking sides here but I am just trying to perhaps get you to consider a view point from your dad’s side, that he knew your mum was with you so there probably was not a lot that he could do, he may have had a deadline at work and simply could not get away, I am sure that he loves and cares for you very much and the fact he did come after work would show that. When you said you called your mum to take you as your dad was at work, did you try to call your dad or just call your mum straight away? This too could have been taken poorly by your step mum as to why you didn’t call them when you were in their care, she may have felt really hurt by that. But I do understand that when you are feeling bad you do just want your mum.
Your mum sounds wonderful and the fact she is supporting you to have a relationship with your dad and your step mum says how much of a beautiful person she is. I think too take her lead as your mum is probably a good judge of character and the fact she is supporting the relationship means your step mum is probably a nice person.

I agree she should not have said those things about you or your family but I suggest she was feeling hurt and vulnerable and probably didn’t know how to handle it so stayed in her room.

Can I suggest that you talk to your dad and ask if you and he and his step mum can start a fresh and talk through this time, express how much you love him and that you miss him and want him in your life. You can say how hurt you were by her comments and give her the chance to explain, and see if you can start a fresh.

Hugs to you London 1998

AS

[Aaronsis]

..sorry that last line should have said..

Can I suggest that you talk to your dad and YOUR step mum and see if you can start fresh....

Hugs to you London1298..

I am so glad you have found a place to chat here and hope we are giving you some support.

AS

[london1298]

Thankyou for your message AS,

I try to see things in her perspective and I can see why this is not the ideal situation for her and why she may find it difficult, but she has mentioned many times how much she hates my mother and my aunt (i think she is jealous that my mum and my dads sister in law are so close, but she has never tried to form a relationship with my aunt and has never reciprocated my aunts invitations to lunch or dinner)

When she gets mad she will yell at my dad about how much she dislikes my sister and I, how we don't respect her (we are always polite - out of fear that we will upset her) and will blame any issue that she has on my family. I think that she feels as though she is the victim in the situation, which i think is quite selfish. My stepmum is the (main) reason why my parents broke up (this was 8 years ago and I have no resentment towards her over the breakup) I just don't understand how my mum is always so understanding and encouraging us to see things from her point of view when my mother is the one that has been hurt the most in this whole situation, yet my stepmother absolutely despises her and acts like my sister and I are such an inconvenience to her marriage with my dad.

Yesterday when my dad told me that he and my stepmother were coming back for a holiday I asked if I could pick them up from the airport because i do miss him so much. Dad was very happy and said yes and that he would ask my stepmum. He just told me that my stepmum would prefer to get a taxi instead. I just don't understand this, why would she want to pay $100+ to get a taxi when I would give them a lift and drop them to where they are staying. I just want to be able to see my dad but it feels like shes blocking me.

Im happy that my relationship with my dad has gotten a bit better recently. Ive told him again how upset i still am about everything, and while he still doesnt see why I dont want to pretend that everything is ok (concerning the incident with my stepmum) he has said that he will call me once a week, which is really great because sometimes weeks go by without me hearing from him, and it does make me wonder if he even thinks about me or my sister.

Honestly I dont know if I want advice or sympathy or if i maybe just needed to write all of this down, but thankyou for listening

[Aaronsis]

Hi london1298

It is great to chat to you again and I can hear how much pain this is causing you and I am so very sorry, that is so very hurtful for your stepmother to say that she dislikes you and your sister and also says the same for your mother and aunt, it does seem like from what you have explained here that she is really trying to make a line from your dad's "old family" to his "new family" with her. She does sound like she is extremely insecure about the relationship with any member of his past life, including you and your sister. Can I suggest that perhaps you have a chat to your dad to ask him why he didn't take you up on your offer to pick them up from the airport?. Tell him that you saw it as an opportunity to see him and you miss and love him, not to mention the cost savings, that is just didn't make sense, that you too thought it was a good idea then when discussed with your step mother the offer was rejected.

I can see why perhaps she had declined the offer, to assert her power over your father, she probably feels she has little control and feels insecure so these are the times she can gain control and feel him take her side, is it right , no and does it hurt, yes but I think for some reason she is hurting too and feeling very insecure. Only she will be able to shed light on this.

I am so pleased you have spoken to your dad, he too is probably so very confused and hurt too and really doesn't know how to manage this situation either, he does love you and the fact he said he will call you weekly is wonderful, but you want your dad in your life and I can hear how much this is hurting you.

Perhaps a call to a really great place called Life Supports on 1300 750 297, they deal with all sorts of family issues and would be a great place to chat to a professional and to get some advice on how to manage this and how you can encourage your dad and also try to get your step mother on board with acceptance of his past family and that you do exsist and you are most surely not going anywhere.

I am not sure that I am helping here but I am so very sorry that things are like this for you and your family, I can hear how much you love your dad and that is so wonderful.

Hugs to you london1298

AS