Sinking again..

[Charlotte_apos_sPain]

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder. I have had depression since I was about 12 or 13. But this year I finally went to the doctor and spoke to someone about it, because I could feel myself slipping into that dark hole that has, over the years, become home. The biggest impact it had on me was a lack of sleep.

At first, I felt relieved that I didn't have to hide it anymore, that I wouldn't have to pretend I was happy when I wasn't. But that's not the case. I don't want to mope around all the time. I haven't told everyone in my family, especially my mum. It's not too hard to hide because I don't live with her anymore. But I just cant tell her, even though I want to.

It's hard to be depressed enough that I need to speak to a counselor and take medication, but still 'normal' enough that I have to go through every day like I'm fine. I'm not fine. 

About a month ago I stopped taking my medication, which was okay for a few days but since then I have felt more anxious and depressed than ever. And recently I have started to feel like anything good that might come in the future is not worth the pain I am going through now. 

I used to be able to be lonely and depressed and hold it in. It's harder now, and maybe that's because it's not a secret anymore. Being alone used to be my safe haven.

[geoff]

dear Charlotte, I'd like to welcome you to the site, where it has been a long battle to contend with.

We all pretend to everyone that there is nothing wrong with us, and we do it just like you have by putting on a fake smile, maybe a laugh that we are expected to do, simply because everyone else is doing the same, but this does become exhausting, tiring so we then try and avoid situations where we have to do this.

I still see my psychologist even though I've overcome this horrible disease, because I can talk to him about anything, which I wouldn't want other people to know, so it's confidential, so our discussion goes back and forth.

He puts forward questions or scenarios which is outside of what I'm thinking, so the hour goes quickly.

Actually he wasn't the psych when I had climbed out of the hole, it was a female psychologist who I had seen for 20 odd years, but she decided to move which I was upset about, so please don't be worried about seeing your counsellor, it's someone who you can talk to, as long as you relate to this person.

I do worry about you having stopped your medication, because what it means is that your feeling has changed back to being depressed, maybe if I can say it by an analogue.

If someone jumps into the sea with a life jacket they feel somewhat safe, but if they aren't wearing it then they have a feeling of being insecure and open to the currents that will trap you, so the same applies to stopping the medication.

It's not a sign of being weak, no one asks for depression and nobody would ever want it.

Back at the start of this reply I said that it becomes exhausting and tiring, so when you say 'used to be able to be lonely and depressed and hold it in', this follows on the same principle.

There maybe a time that is right to be able to talk to your mum.

With regard to you lack of sleeping your GP should be able to give you medication for this, I know it maybe something that you may not want to take but it will help you, and I think you know my answer in taking the antidepressant, and think of it this way it might only be for a short time. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Charlotte,

I wanted to ask you a few questions, and I do hope you will be able to get back to us. If there's anything you don't want to answer please feel free to tell me.

I'm hearing from your post that your mum is aware that you have been diagnosed, but maybe not so aware of how much you are struggling. Is there a valid reason why you don't want to share your experience with her? Has she been helpful for you in the past?

I'm also aware that you've come off your medication. Is there a reason why? Did you feel it wasn't helping, or that it made you feel worse? How long were you taking the medication for?

The fact that you have been diagnosed and prescribed medication tells me you have at least seen a Dr. Are you still seeing a Psychologist or Psychiatrist?

I ask these questions because, in my experience, recovery from mental illness is about a change in lifestyle. It's a little like lung cancer. If you developed lung cancer you wouldn't necessarily want to start smoking again once the cancer had been treated. Similarly, as you start to feel a little relief from anxiety and depression, you still need additional support so your results can be maintained.

You might also like to have a look at the following threads for some things you can do to help yourself:

SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY under the Anxiety section, and

SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION under the Depression section of the forums.

I really hope we hear back from you. We're all here to support you as much as we can, and most of us have been through similar situations, I know I have.

AGrace