I just want someone to talk to

[ellie123]

I have had depression for 6 years now and I've only just turned 20. It sparked from my OCD and anxiety disorder and as one of the three gets worse the other follow. I just can't seem to get on top of it and I've been trying so hard. I haven't ever told anyone that I am depressed because it would hurt them too much. Ive had a cousin commit suicide when I was in Yr 12 and i watched it destroy her family and i could never do that to my family and friends. Ive always pretended I'm okay and appear to everyone else that I'm happy. Constantly helping others and talking to them and helping them out with things in their lives. Now i just feel like I've lied to them for so long that its too late to tell them. 

I was also raped last year. this took everything i had left. Im so empty and lonely, and exhausted from putting on my smile. 

The past few months I've been at my lowest point. Im so close to giving up but i know i can't. I don't low what else to do, I've tried anti depressants and they didn't help. Ive started held harming.

Like i siad, i would NEVER commit

suicide, but i think about it constantly. Im so trapped inside my own head and i just don' t know what to do anymore.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[white knight]

Hi ellie123 welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

you've had a tough start to young adult life ellie. many do, you are not alone. Sad thouh but you must hang in there and try a few things for us.

Have you visited your GP? Been diagnosed with any condition?  If you havent then you must do this for us. Go along to your GP and tell him everything.

Helping others is a great gesture but it can take its toll on you personally.  It's easy on here (I'm a regular) because I can stop anytime I like if I feel down about the many issues effecting others here. You have to help others in a measured way, not too much. And it is reasonable to expect others to listen to you also. You are a very caring individual but charity starts at home- with yourself number one. Like any machine we have to look after our own self. Look after your health.

Take care and thankyou for posting here. It was a brave step.

[Flex]

Sorry to hear your true story is very sad, I would seek professional help asap from the emergency department of your local hospital where you can open up without being judged or criticised or scaring people off, there you can get assessed at no cost to you or your family and from there they might suggest you give medication a try and some counselling to help support you while you get your life back on the right path.  Please don't self harm or use drugs or alcohol to numb the pain give Life Line a call they are super at listening and giving tips on how to stay above water and not drown. I hope this helps out.

Flex

[AGrace]

Hi ellie123,

Welcome to the forums, thank you for making the choice to reach out for support after battling on your own for so long.

I think depression started for me just before my teenage years, mainly due to my parents' rocky relationship, and because I started a new school and it took a long time to fit in. Like you, I chose not to speak up, in the beginning. At 15 my boyfriend committed suicide, which completely devastated me. It was really difficult to explain to anyone what I was going through because I felt my friends wouldn't understand and my parents would be distressed if they knew how much I was hurting. I too was self harming by this stage. At 17 I was raped by someone I thought I could trust. It was someone I knew and I felt so stupid that it happened so I didn't tell anyone. Like you I felt completely isolated and very alone.

Before my 18th birthday I tried to commit suicide. It completely shocked my family. I never expected their reaction, I thought they wouldn't care, they wouldn't miss me, and I would be better off because I wouldn't have to feel hurt anymore. Instead I woke up in emergency with all my family around me, asking "Why didn't you tell us sooner? We could have tried to help you."

As young adults the world can feel like a pretty big place. We can feel like our problems are too big for anyone else to carry, and it can be quite frightening to feel so low and not really know what to do or who to talk to. I'm 34 now, and I realise now that because our parents love us, there is no problem too big or too small that they wouldn't want to help us with.

I'm wondering if you think that your parents would prefer the opportunity to help you now, so that they don't go through the same experience that your cousin's family did? I know it can be a really difficult conversation to have, and sometimes just knowing how to start the conversation can be quite daunting. You don't have to tell them everything immediately, and you don't necessarily have to tell them how long you have been suffering. It might be as simple as "Mum, I need a bit of help. I'm struggling wit my OCD and I feel quite anxious and upset."

As WK has suggested, if you feel like you cant tell your parents, then at least go back and see a GP. You can even print out the post you have written here and share that with the Dr. Dr's are trained to deal with situations like yours.

I'm happy to talk to you more, if that is what you feel you need at this time.

AG