Partner guilt trips me

Avocadooo · ‎13-12-2021

Sorry in advance if none off this really makes sense as I feel like I've just kind off gone all over the place with trying to explain myself. But here you go,

So this is a regular occurrence. I feel like my partner guilt trips me on nights when we're out with friends & then his night suddenly turns bad, he gets anxiety about the crowds, the noise, the vibes etc. Which I'm completely sympathetic towards his feelings & the situation. There have been times where I will stay & alm him & support him by staying with him & we'll go to bed, but when it happens everytime we go out and especially the most recent time, it was a friends 21st, we had spoek about this issue prior to going & we both came to an agreement we would enjoy the night out, do what we could to help him during it so he does stay out with us & enjoys the night but it didn't happen, and I'm not blaming him at all because each person is different, but it's always the same "I want you to stay with me". Which I feel maybe I am an asshole for not always staying or being by his side, and maybe it's petty because it about us going out, but it's always in the time when I want to stay out with friends. He doesn't organise boys nights, he doesn't go if they are organised so I feel maybe it's an internal issue with him, knowing that I'm more off the bubbly outgoing person than he is, and I know he feels bad doing this stuff, he says that at the time but because he feels bad he doesn't want to be alone either so makes him want me to stay more so.. I don't know.. it's really tricky.. and we're trying to work through it & dicsuss it today when he gets home from work, I don't have someone mature enough to talk to about it I also don't want to make him look like an asshole, because he isn't in anyway. I know he is trying to figure his own emotions out & become his own person as he's still young, (19) he's not as self aware as I am in the sense off understanding all these terms & guilt tripping etc but I want to help him, while helping myself & us. I'm also scared he does all this because he's worried he'll lose me if I go out without him, like relationship wise, because I'm older, he's had a bad previous relationship so I feel like that's triggering him a little bit when we experience these outings together.

Croix · ‎13-12-2021

Dear Avocadooo~

Welcome back, I read your posts from early this year and think you have had a very tough time between you mum and your grandmother.

With your partner this does not sound like usual behavior, sure someone can be shy but as you are there to support him, and have sensibly discussed things in advance I would suggest that you encourage him to seek medical advice.

It is not fair on you to have to be so often put in these situations and guilt tripped.

I could understand if your previous experiences may have made you wonder if you had been overreacting however you are also the person on the spot and your judgment does count.

If you feel he is excessively frightened of losing you or is particularly anxious in social situations then his seeking professional advice, particularly as he has had a bad experience before, would seem the best path to take.

What do you think?

Also if he agreed it might be helpful if you went with him - do you think that might make him more willing to go or more comfortable? At least that way the doctor or councilor wouldd get a full account of the problem.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Banksy92 · ‎13-12-2021

Hi Avadadooo,

Sorry to hear you and your partner are going through such a tough time. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support him, and he is open to talking about it which are both really positive things.

Anxiety is so crippling for some people and can be hard to understand when you're going through it. It can lead us to try and control things around us (such as people or events) because subconsciously we are trying to protect ourselves from harm. I have been on this journey to learn this about myself.

I agree strongly with Croix, that professional help would really be the best option. Finding someone they feel safe to talk about this with, explore their feelings and learn tools to manage and reduce the symptoms. It can absolutely be achieved and they can overcome so much with the right support. Seeing a psychologist changed my life for the better. There is nothing to lose from speaking to a doctor and exploring your options.

In the immediate, perhaps you could talk with your partner about practicing some breathing techniques for when they feel really overwhelmed? Slow, deep breathing is a powerful tool to reduce anxiety. Breathing in slowly to the count of 5 and out slowly to the count of 6.

Let us know how you go with the chat.

Avocadooo · ‎17-01-2022

I appreciate your response greatly. And thank you for the advice as it will help us, but this certain situation wasn't what I interpreted as, this situation was more than what I had written, I was agitated about what had happened on this particular weekend & wrote on here for some advice, but after speaking to my partner about this weekend it was more than just him wanting me to stay, I was in the wrong. In no way has he twisted my thoughts etc to make me think that, he was having a panic attack that night & I wasn't thinking about him at all ( what I'm about to say, I've done in the past so I know I was in the wrong) I became selfish this night & didn't care about his feelings.. I was just worried about myself, & myself having a good time. I told him that night I'd be back within an hr or 2, I was out for 4 hrs & just made him feel alone & not cared for. I've done this in the past with friends especially when drinking is involved. I've acknowledged this now & I'm glad he did pull me up on it. We are learning things about each other & how to cope/work around what we both want in regards to my main post. But thank you again for your response. It means alot

Croix · ‎19-01-2022

Dear Avocadooo~

I take my hat off you you for your honesty and also your insight. Ok everyone is selfish at times, but to realise it is less common.

Irrespective of this if your partner is having panic attacks then professional help is indeed indicated. I was a policeman and remember having one in the witness box - not a good thing to happen. I only improved with competent medical help.

Up until I got that my life became increasingly miserable and hard ot bear.

It is good you are talking with him, when someone is in any sort of relationship being able to understand the other person is realy essential.

As Banksy92 has said, thre are tools and techniques that can help one when anxiety becomes overriding.

I hope we talk again

Croix

Banksy92 · ‎19-01-2022

Such an honest and self-aware response, I really admire you for this. It is so great you are both able to communicate openly about this and keep each other accountable. That sounds like a healthy relationship indeed.

If either of you face any more issues with anxiety or anything else, we're always here to listen.