My emotions are really mixed and my mind is all over the place as of writing this. 14 and approaching year 10 next year with no clue what to do for the future, I'm good at only two things which I barely enjoy anymore and I'm completely burnout. Through 2 whole weeks I've been so in and out lately with constant spiralling to absolute rock bottom and barely being able to do simple tasks without stressing out over it. I have no actual hobbies or passions, all I want to do now is just lay in bed and rot in there. Everyday I feel like I'm taking more and more things to heart and letting it affect me for the next 2-3 days or so.
I don't know how to even begin to explain to my mom or anyone I know that I'm feeling this way, my chest tightens and I find myself unable to say what I want to actually say without bursting into tears and hyperventilating. I feel like everyone is out to get me and belittle me at everything I'm even slightly good at, I'm lost mentally and physically and I feel like I'm not fully present in everything I 'do'. I feel so trapped in a loop of just school to bed then school to bed again and again, nothing feels real anymore and I know my mom loves me but I can't begin to explain what I've felt since I was little. I don't want her to be unable to sleep at night wondering what she went wrong with parenting for me.
I'm constantly under pressure to be a better daughter than my brother in the family and I'm just getting more and more exhausted. I don't know what to do or say that won't make me look like an attention freak or a weirdo towards everyone I meet. I can barely keep up with anything since it feels like an absolute chore to even think or breathe, I want to stay home all day and cry. My grades are horrid and I don't want to go to tutor since all it does help with is just put in my mindset I'm stupid. I can barely focus on anything, I can't sit still or be like my other classmates and understand what their doing.
Asking for any type of help feels so nauseating I can't even bother anymore, I feel so out of place and distant from everything. I know I'll probably sound like a broken record but I can't feel anything but just everything at once. I'm lost in life, I don't know what to do in the future, I'm overwhelmed, My entire body feels like it just exploded in a away. I don't know where else to turn to other than this place, I know I need help but I have no idea how to even approach the topic of getting help without breaking down completely.
