Opening up, kinda

[Giovanni]

I'm not very good with expressing my feelings so I'm not sure how this piece will turn out, I just aim to gain some kind of solace during a time of great confusion.

At the present moment I'm tossing up whether to visit my go or not, as I'm overly introverted and as stated earlier do not enjoy conversing over my feelings. However my mental state has gotten to the point where I can't sleep at night and have no desire or motivation to get up the following morning. I'm on the brink of having my position at uni reviewed due to horrendous results simply because I have no interest nor care for my work. Whenever I attempt an assignment I find myself staring at words and not being able to read a fluid sentence, it's all meaningless, this then leads to me getting angry with myself and wishing I wasn't this way.

Over a year ago I found myself losing a lot of weight as I struggled to eat sufficiently, at the time I never thought it had anything to do with potential depression. To this day I don't enjoy eating and certainly don't eat enough which ties in with my mood swings and moments of needless aggression to myself and verbally toward others.

I maintain a healthy social life and enjoy being out with friends, ive found it to be a good distraction from my internal thoughts. Yet it is when I'm alone that I'm overcome with these self deprecating thoughts that keep my awake till the early hours of the morning.

on the odd night I'll watch sad videos or listen to emotional music in an attempt to make myself cry. I enjoy the sensation that tears provide and have found it to be the only release of emotion I have. I don't yet wish to inform my friends of my mental state as I myself am still trying I work it out, and my current fear is that they will see me in a different light and not act the same around me.

right now all I seek is advice, I've been reading other posts and there are plenty of you out there who have it far tougher than me, I commend you on your strength, I just feel lost but don't know how to find myself.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Giovanni,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I’d like to thank you for coming here and providing your post. The initial time can be stressful, but I can assure you straight away, that this is a safe place, with some awesome people who write to others and respond. Awesome people are also found, just like you, a first time poster.

It’s great that you’ve been able to take this first step – as you may have found, that can be a terribly hard one to take.

With what you’ve written, I think it time also for you to take that “next step” and that would be to make an appointment with your GP; to seek out professional help. As you say, you find it difficult talking and expressing yourself, so in that appointment, why not print out your below post and take that along to show your GP, or perhaps type up another one, to add more points, if you’d like to.

That is awesome to read that you are able to maintain a very good social life, and that you enjoy being out with friends. Please try to keep those opportunities going, as you say and say very correctly, that you’ve found them to provide you with a good distraction from your internal thoughts.

That’s things that we all need to employ/engage … different mechanisms (aside from whatever comes out of seeking out assistance from a GP) to help distract us, that we can do, so it can help us get through things on a daily basis. What I’ve seen from you is that you’ve already started doing this and I say to you, “Mega congrats” on being able to employ distractions to help you out.

If you’re able to try and think of other things that may be able to help benefit you, that’s something that you might be able to work on. Physical activities can be a common type of distraction, anything from swimming, running, cycling, going to the gym, playing a particular type of sport, even walking, and on top of that, it has the brilliant benefit of creating a certain level of fitness as well.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Croix]

Dear Giovanni~

Neil has covered things pretty well, however I'd like to welcome you here too. One thing you wrote really struck home to me:

I enjoy the sensation that tears provide and have found it to be the only release of emotion I have

I have, among other things bouts of depression and find myself in a sort of limbo, divorced from my feelings, not really knowing if I am capable of feeling, and that crying reminds me of how Id welcome any feeling and how normal emotions were missing most of the time.

I'll echo Neil and encourage you to go to your GP and say what is happening to you and how you are feeling and reacting. I could not get out of my states without outside support.

I'd also suggest seeing the Uni Disability Support Service and tell them what is happening. In conjunction with your doctor they may well be able to stop your academic career being affected too much.

As for others having it tougher, there is always someone somewhere in a worse position, but that is irrelevant, it does not make your suffering any less real.

So please post again

Croix

[Giovanni]

Thank you Neil for the warm welcome,

You'll be happy to find that I am now determined to make an appointment with my GP, as I don't wish to fall any deeper into this hole. However I've never quite understood how outside help is so effective in so many cases, is it just the relief that comes with dropping such weight from your shoulders?

I feel ready to tell someone every little detail of how my life has seemingly become monotonous. Yet at the same time don't believe I am capable of doing so and will runaway when the opportunity presents itself.

Basically, can outside help alone be a catalyst for change in my day to day life with these demons?

thanks

[geoff]

hi Giovanni, with depression it's virtually impossible to understand or at work yourself out, if you could, then you would be able to sort out all your problems, and I'm so pleased what Neil said has made decide to make an appointment with your doctor.
It's easy to run away with your problems but guess what they will always follow you everywhere you go, that's why you need to get to the point where you can put up your hand up and say 'no more, 'I'll beat you, I don't want your dark shadow to be with me all the time', and maybe the hardest part is to come to terms with it, and learn on how you can overcome this, but you can't do any of this by yourself, that's why help is needed.
What you can do is you're ' you are able to do is maintain a very good social life', to me that puts you almost across the line, but the wind is strong and holding you back, get the strength to cross over. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Giovanni

Thank you for your kind response back and really great to hear from you again. It’s always awesome to receive responses back and I hope that as long as you wish to, that you’ll feel able to reply back again … and again … :)

I think by unloading to ‘outside help’ is beneficial on so many levels, but also, it can be related to just who the person is. I’ve been to so many different counsellors/psychs over the years, because not everyone is a match for you. It does take time to find a person who you find a repour with. But once you do, by being able to unload and vent and talk to someone you feel comfortable with, is a very helpful process.

Yes, it can feel like a big weight has been lifted off the shoulders, or a certain tightening in the stomach, can be released or eased.

The other side of the coin is, for the most part, these psych’s have been through the processes and have learnt and discovered many different techniques that they have picked up along the way, in being able to let us know, which hopefully are able to help us, with our own issues.

So bottom line, yes, I do believe and know that being able to talk with a professional can generate positives for you and can be the catalyst for creating change. Of course, it still takes your own person to be able to begin these changes, but together with the guidance of a professional, it can make these things achievable. Little by little …

Kind regards,

Neil

[Infinity1199]

Hi Giovanni,

Welcome to Beyondblue, I know it's hard to talk about your problems but trust me when I say it's one of the most healthiest decisions you'll ever make.

I'm so sorry to hear about your depression, it's never nice to hear about someone's problems but you've made the effort to ask for help which is a big step.

Giovanni, I want you to know that if your struggling at the moment you've got ask for help. you need to inform a GP or psychologist who will be able to both diagnose your condition and treat you effectively.

You also said you might be having trouble with your position at Uni, I would consult with a advisor on the faculty in regards to your universities policy on reviewing positions. they're might be a rule prohibiting them from revoking your position due to mental illness. it would be better however if you have a psychologist/psychiatrist backing you up just in case this might happen.

Also, one of the most important things you've got to do is make a support network for yourself, yes it's embarrassing to ask people for help but trust me it's the most important thing you've got to do. make a list of friends, family members or counsellors you can talk to.

Keep watch of sleeping habits, your diet and how often your exercise. these three are essentially the three reasons why people struggle to control their depression.

Let me know if you want to talk ok?