Numb and lost.

[Nyanko-chan]

Okay, I'll start with a bit of background (it may be long, so I apologise in advance)

I've had anxiety and depression for over 10 years, which have been up and down. My panic attacks have lessened and I can do things I couldn't do when I was younger (eg. catch a bus), but I am feeling more miserable these days, even though I have so much to be happy about. I have seen my GP, a couple psychologists (which I don't prefer, because they're expensive, and I find they try to shove knowledge in my face rather than sharing personal experiences. Breathing techniques don't always work for anxiety sufferers, and it's not that simple to change my negative thinking), and numerous counsellors (high school counsellors were great). I've also tried a few medications, once when I was younger (and then changed to St John's Wort as a natural option for anxiety) and again last year for depression, which I have since stopped because one type made me completely emotionally numb (so numb that I was on my first overseas flight and I felt nothing) and I had nausea every single day. So now, I am stuck with nothing again (nausea has remained, unfortunately).

So, what I'd like to get out of my system, is that I am feeling miserable, and I guess numbness yet again. I have nothing to be sad about; I live in a good home with my family, I have a loving partner (who is currently living overseas but will be here next year), I have some great close friends (who I don't see often, but that's how I like it), nice things, a job (that I'm not entirely sure about, but it's an income), and I have nothing physically wrong with me (to my knowledge).

But for some reason I am feeling lack of enjoyment (didn't even enjoy Christmas as much as I used to) and no motivation to do anything. I'd rather sleep my days away than go out, I've had to announce on my Facebook that I am going into social withdrawal because a couple of my friends have become too frustrating to be around (I can't deal with hanging out every week), I want to quit my job because I don't feel like I fit in and it is a bit far away for my liking, I am too tired to make effort to do things or make myself look nice, I feel so low compared to others, and I guess I am losing the will to even be alive. There's nothing going for me, I failed high school over a guy, I have tried Uni but dropped out because of failing all but one subject, I tried TAFE but stopped going because I didn't fit in and don't know how to socialise with people who are different to me, my job gives me very little money therefore I cannot save money, and my partner is living far away at the moment so I can't just call him or hug him when I want to. Also just to note, I don't do phone calls, which makes some things very difficult.

Oh, and in regards to the 'lost' part, I don't have any direction in life, and I don't know what I really want to do. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist, author, graphic designer, something great, but those dreams kinda diminished. Then I wanted to do translating/interpreting because I am learning Japanese, but I failed at Uni so I can't do that. TAFE was all about a nail tech course, which I forgot about due to socialising issues, and now I'm realising I'm not that good anyway. the only job I can do is cleaning, and I don't want to do that anymore. It's only my 6th year of being a cleaner (through various jobs) but I'm tired of it. I would rather do nothing than clean up people's crap...at least in hotels they treat you with more respect than where I'm at now (airport).

Anyway, that's my rant-thing.
I do have a question (maybe more, depending if I think of anymore as I type this)
Has anyone ever just quit a job purely because you don't want to do it anymore, with no backup? Was it okay? I think I want to quit my job, and just relax for a bit before trying something else.

How do I go about looking for a path in life? It is just so difficult, it's like I'm wandering through a forest and getting nowhere. The moment I feel like I'm coming across a village of civilisation and hope, it disappears like a mirage. I'm 24 years old, but I'm feeling so old already.

Also, am I being stupid and selfish for being so miserable with no real reason? It's just so difficult to find anything positive about myself to make me happier.

If you read everything, thank you, I really appreciate it.
Hopefully I covered everything.

[Neil_1]

Hi Nyanko-chan

That's quite a detailed and complex post that you've sent and let me put you at ease straight away ... you are not stupid, you are not selfish for being miserable for no reason.  This is depression and it comes to us (unfortunately) and then quite happily lives in our body, our minds and rules them.  Which is what you have.

Now we need to try and see if things can be eased somewhat and to help you out.

Does your partner know how you feel?  As in, how low you are?

With regard to the job ... would you be able to survive without a job for a while?  That's a biggie, because having a job (even though you might feel it's crap) I think is better than not having one.  I would think that the only way I'd leave one job to go to another is by getting the other job while I still have my first one.  Just up and leaving your job, perhaps won't read so well on your resume for when you're trying to start up another one.  Although you could say you went on holiday or something.  But I'm just saying, that having a job that pays, in this day and age is pretty important.

You ask about what path you'd like to follow?  What are your hobbies, your interests ... what "kind" of job do you think you'd like or you'd be good at?  Are you able to take up some study to try and make that happen?

How long before you get to see your partner again?

Also, how long ago was your GP visit?  If it was a while ago, I really would advise you to go back and see them again and take with them this post (not mine, but yours (insert silly smile) so they can read it through and from that, they might be able to advise you about any further professional treatment and perhaps maybe new medications.  I say that, because you sound as though you're an able bodied person who could possible also benefit from running, walking, cycling, etc ... but you say that you're just too tired.  Getting some alternative medication might just be a trigger to help you "get up and complete some exercise", which is a big factor with helping depression sufferers.

Nyanko-chan, I hope that you receive this ok and that you can please get back to us.

Please take care

Neil