Not sure where to start...

[cnlclaypool]

Not sure where to start with this exactly. I guess i'm just trying to get some clarification on what exactly is going on with me. I wouldn't say i'm depressed but at the same time I wouldn't say i'm happy. I'm just in this limbo stage where it feels like I feel sorry for myself, but tell myself that I need to get over it.

My life isn't as hard as others. I'm 22 and live out of home with my girlfriend and recently a new room mate (more on that later). I work full time and I am depressed at my workplace (been here for 15 months and applied for numerous jobs but to no avail. - so I've given up on that). 

I've been with my girlfriend for 20 months and we've never really had any problems. But over the past 6 months or so I feel myself distancing from her more and more. I haven't been interested in any form of emotion (holding hands, hugs, kisses, intercourse etc.) and last night she told me she was sexually frustrated. I'm not sure how to proceed because I just don't find myself interested and despite what she said, I feel myself not caring. I do care for her but it feels like I can't express it. 

I tend to get drunk every weekend but after Saturday that just passed I have decided to quit alcohol altogether. Reason being, the new room mate moved in last Thursday and I found myself getting along with her really well, to the point where we were up all night Friday talking. I don't have feelings for her, I only see her as a friend but on Saturday night, being my drunk stupid self I decided to announce to her I have feelings for her (my gf is unaware of this). I've apologised to her and told her that what I said was not the case - that I only want to be friends. She has since told me she needs time to herself and does not feel comfortable around me and is considering moving out.

When I was in high school I self harmed for about 2 years (attempted suicide once) but eventually just stopped and moved on with my life. But over the past year or two I feel myself becoming less and less emotional towards everything. I always seem to be full of anger and I couldn't wait for the weekends so I could get drunk and forget about reality. I've never thought highly of myself and can never forgive myself for the mistakes I make that inflict others. 

I guess all I'm trying to achieve by this is to talk to someone who might have been through similar emotions. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this. 

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[sumynona423]

hi cnlclaypool

no one has replied yet so I'm going to give you the best advice I can offer. Firstly the limbo stage is not the place you want to be in, but the fact that you have spoken out during this stage is really really good. Having earlier support is always a good thing.

Glad to hear you have given up drinking, Im sure you will benefit from this as well.

You mentioned that you are usually depressed at work and have failed to get a successful application for other jobs? May I ask what industry you work in?

As a girl I can understand your girls needs but I can also relate to where you are coming from. Have you spoken to her about how you are feeling? Have you told her that you do care for her you are just struggling getting your head around things at the moment? Maybe talk about options going forward in your relationship.

As for your roommate it sounds like she needs some space before she can move forward. You have already apologised so you might need to wait a while before she can truly accept it.

Hope this helps?

[BenD]

hey clnclaypool

"I wouldn't say i'm depressed but at the same time I wouldn't say i'm happy. I'm just in this limbo stage where it feels like I feel sorry for myself, but tell myself that I need to get over it."

I think the fact that you've acknowledged that something is bothering you is very courageous. There is no shame in feeling this way. It's awesome that you have the desire to change how you feel for the better.

"My life isn't as hard as others"

No two kinds of suffering are comparable my friend, so be kind to yourself. Feeling guilt is a waste of your time and energy, and you deserve better. No one can possibly know what kind of feelings you are going through.

"I've been with my girlfriend for 20 months and we've never really had any problems."

Have you told her about how you are feeling currently? It sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship having been together for a while now, and she might be able to offer you some support.

"I tend to get drunk every weekend but after Saturday that just passed I have decided to quit alcohol altogether."

Well done on coming to that decision dude. Even if just for a while, it is probably one of the most beneficial things you can do for your health, mental and physical.

"I don't have feelings for her, I only see her as a friend but on Saturday night, being my drunk stupid self I decided to announce to her I have feelings for her (my gf is unaware of this)."

A lot of us have done stupid things while we're drunk man. I let my best mate drive my car while we were both drunk and I ended up going through the windscreen. It seems hard to forgive yourself for those decisions. But, eventually, you accept that you are young, you are only human and you make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. That's how we learn to be better people.

"I always seem to be full of anger and I couldn't wait for the weekends so I could get drunk and forget about reality. I've never thought highly of myself and can never forgive myself for the mistakes I make that inflict others."

It's okay to feel that way too man. Sometimes we just want to erase things and escape. But eventually we've got to come back to reality. And the reality is that the world is a good place, and that you are a good person, even though you might not feel that way about yourself and the world all the time.

Take care dude, here if you need me.