Not sure where i'm at mentally...

[Firebrand]

and if you thought that title was kinda weak-sauce then don't worry-it was on purpose. I 'feel' a strong sense of emptiness in my life as a 17 yr old and i've decided that i'm growing tired of the comfortable malaise i find myself stewing in. i make this post after having to put up with 3 years of my 'numb' mental state and about 6 months of playing at child counselor after my maternal mother and step-dad broke up due to a lack of mutual social and emotional development between the two,(or that's my impression of it anyway,) as well a failed relationship with my paternal father which i'm told by my counselor should be more of a concern to me than i make it out to be.

So in regards to how i am,despite my comfortable middle-class life and healthy social life i find that nothing fazes me. nothing chages' the way i think or feel. even when i doled out harsh counsel to my step-dad,who was brought to tears by my words,or when i have to play emotional dumpster when mum decides to unload on me,or when i'm by myself ruminating on my existence as a collection of thoughts and experiences i still cant manage to drudge up a strongly emotional response. not even when friends try to drag it outta me. my general emotional range,if i were to sum it up, could be described with the expression, "who cares?"

That's not to say i don't care about anything. i'm pretty sure i still have that part of me in active use - rather, what i mean is, that expression,"who cares," springs up whenever i shoot towards a high or a low diffusing whatever emotion decided to try for center stage,painting everything a bland grey in its' wake. Now,i said i have a healthy social-life,but it would be more accurate to say "had." that is to say, as of one-and-a-half years ago i stopped bothering with socializing and i quit on having aspirations along with it,which even for me,was a bitter pill.I don't post this in the expectation that i will receive the kind of answer that will rock me to the core,or indeed even get the kind of answer i haven't already heard. i put these words out there in a half-hearted attempt to reach out to like minded individuals. people who keep even themselves at arms length,and have no idea how to gain that distance back. but most of all,i send these words out on a child-like whim. at half-past-one in the middle of the night i chose to shout into the dark on the slim hope that i'll get a response that changes my world view,or gives me a new perspective.

sincerely,

Firebrand

[white knight]

Hi firebrand welcome

A well written account of where you're at that did strike a cord with me.

I'm 61yo. Up till 30yo it could have been me writing your post. Searching for a meaning of life and ann emotional "home" and a place where care is returned.

So rather than a long response maybe you can google the following. You might choose to read just my first post of each.

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Maharaji the perfect instrument Youtube

At 17 years and 4 days I joined the RAAF. I carved out a life of my choosing.

There is a world waiting for you firebrand. Reply anytime

Tony WK

[Ken1]

I know the content of your writing isn't the brightest, but I would like to compliment your written tone. You express yourself so poetically. Is writing something you enjoy?

You mention 'growing tired of the comfortable malaise' - does this mean you're wanting to make a change, or that you just want things to change?

I wish I knew the words to try to change your perspective, however all I have are some questions in attempt to understand you a little better so that maybe we can help change your perspective. I can't imagine that your circumstances are desirable, and I am sorry for that. I do believe that there is light available to you, discoverable in some which way.

Would love to hear back.

[Firebrand]

first,for clarification,unless i'm mistaken "malaise" is a term for discomfort without a known cause. So what i meant is i would like to make a change,but i have no idea whats bothering me.

with that outta the way thanks for your replies people! you guessed it Ken1,i used to enjoy writing a lot,mostly coz i had,and apparently still have a talent for it.

as for what the point was in that post,i'm a 17yo who at the time was drunk on sleep deprivation and was generally feeling down at the time,so you could consider an action done in a moment of weakness (a.k.a. i vented to the internet.)

p.s. better than getting drunk or doing drugs if ya ask me.

[Ken1]

I know that having a cause for a certain feeling, mental illness, etc is very useful in dealing with that issue, however, maybe you can see change without knowing the cause, for now, at least.

It sounds to me that your brain has been lacking some of those feel-good chemicals it needs to be happy over the last few years. For so many people, overcoming pits of depression/darkness has a lot to do with simply increasing serotonin in the brain by engaging with things that make you happy. I understand this may be limited for you, but perhaps writing is one thing you can do. Maybe sharing your writing and receiving a good response could elicit more of those awesome chemicals. I know that those little things made a huge difference to me - they didn't solve the whole problem but they allowed me to start learning how to deal with it.

I would say you definitely still have a talent for it! I love to write myself so have a little credibility to my opinion.

I totally hear what you're saying about 'venting to the internet' and I'm glad you were able to do it! I also agree with your comment about it being better than getting drunk or doing drugs! You chose wisely.

Hope something there is of some aid to yourself.

Bonnie