Not sure how I'm feeling.

[ALu1993]

Recently I've really been struggling with just being generally happy. In fact my emotions feel so mixed sometimes I tend to just isolate myself. I'm literally in fear of the words that leave my mouth, like I want to connect and talk with people bit I just don't know what to say anymore/ how to have a conversation. Sometimes when I run into a colleague it's just hi how ya going 'yep good thanks, how about you? Good. That's good' type situation and it's driving me insane. I usually spend most of my lunches alone. It's only really recently starting to really effect me. Like I used to enjoy eating my lunch alone, maybe look at Facebook or watch a video at the same time. But now I think about how alone I am every lunch instead. It's starting to really demotivate me at work too. At home I live with my partner and of course there's good and bad days but I'm just feeling more and more alone and I dunno I'm scared it won't change. I try to engage with my partner a lot, but the last few days and particularly today I just haven't felt like trying and was hoping to receive some comfort from my partner but it was out of reach. I figured they're probably tired too, both of us work full time, so generally were quite tired by the end of the day. Ugh I Feel like ive digressed. A few years ago i got hooked on drugs and to be honest i dont think ive ever been the same since. Im clean now and have been for a while. But i remember there was a time before drugs where i was never so self aware of my own silence that its got to a point where it's started started to eat away at me.

[smallwolf]

Hi ALu1993,

welcome to beyond blue.

I found that negative thoughts get into a downward spiral and that is all I think about. Of course it can be hard to get out of that spiral, and I have tools for that as well.

And if you and your partner are both tired, then talking might not be something you want to do. It can be like that for me. And talking about my work is not something I like to chat about.

So tell me some things that you like? Hobbies? Music? Books? TV shows you like? Or watched? What sort of videos do you watch on youtube? Tell me something about your job?

I am getting better at talking to people. But if they are a total stranger then very difficult to have a conversation. With that said, I was "somewhere" and I kid asked me "Do you like the AFL?" and that started a brief conversation with that child about teams and players and results etc. Sometime you wish you were like that child - not afraid to blurt out a question. I would like to say that it means asking open questions, but that is easier said that done.

There are also web pages on conversation starters you could look at - questions like "would you rather be stuck in a lift with .... or .....?"

Tim

PS. Congrats for being clean now. But that self-aware thing I am familiar with as well, and no drugs ever here. That you have recognised it, you can start to work towards some sort of the resolution. But it takes time. I nearly forgot, there is also a talk on youtube where a guy was talking about rejection and then for the next 100 days asked people if he could do something. A bit different to your situation, but this person had to put himself there, and being vulnerable.