New to this, didn't know what else to do

[jamesh887]

Hi everyone,

Ive never done this before but i really don't know where else to go or what else to do. Ive been with my gf for over 2 years now and she has major insecurities, anxiety and starting to fall into a depression, she won't admit it but I can notice it because I was diagnosed with a mild case back in 2012, which i have overcome and i would not even wish upon my worst enemy.

Basically she constantly accuses me when hiding this about girls when I'm not and for checking out girls when I'm with her, which i don't. She never accepts any compliment i give her and tonight was breaking point. She asked me if i found this girl attractive to which i replied she's nothing special she is okay. This then turned into a massive argument which she replied you liar i think she's hot so you obviously do to, guys talk I'm not stupid. Which then lead to her asking who i find super hot. I told her a girl I thought was attractive, that was all i said, which is normal because she tells me oh his good looking to which i say yeah you know what he is or make a joke about it so she doesn't think it affects me. Which it doesn't. Anyway, she then goes on saying you find a girl that is not your gf the hottest girl you know, which i never said and I know if i turned around and said oh super hot is you, would just get called a liar and seared at multiple times.

I can't get her to understand that i actually only care and want her, out of every person in this world I chose her and absolutely love her to bits. She is having none of it and said she wants a break because I apparently I'm not happy with our relationship according to her as i said another girl was attractive. I have tried to tell her over and over again that this is not the case and that no body compares to her which is true in my eyes, she just won't believe it.

I know this all sounds petty but its getting to the point that it is occurring so much and I love her so much that i would do anything for her, in my early 20s and I'm going to propose next year. I don't know what to do, is it me just being stupid? Am i doing the wrong thing? I just want her to understand and trust me, need this insecurity to calm down because its really driving us apart right now and I can't be with out her, or let her be on her own during this difficult time. Sorry for the rant but really need some advice or strategies in how to cope with this. Im running out of ideas and feel I'm fighting a battle against her mind which i can't win

[Zeal]

Hi James,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend's insecurities and anxiety are having such a huge impact on her life, and also on your relationship. Nothing you have said sounds petty, and you are not being silly or irrational. You have genuine concerns over your girlfriend's mental health issues, which includes her paranoia and anxiety over your faithfulness and care for her. This is not at all your fault and is not a reflection on your actions and place in the relationship. Mental illness is cruel like this. It can lead the sufferer to question people and things that don't warrant questioning.

It is crucial that your girlfriend seek support from a mental health professional. Going to her doctor (GP) for a referral is a good place to start. Has she sought professional help in the past? I hope that seeking professional help is something she will do. The sooner she gets mental health help, the better.
Although you have some understanding of mental illness, it's worth reading info under the blue menu bar link Supporting someone on this website. This page has handy tips on handling conversations about mental illness with loved ones: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-about

It's important that you feel supported during this time as well. Do you spend time regularly with family members and close friends? Having social support is crucial. If you'd like to talk to someone about your concerns, you can call Beyondblue's helpline service on 1300 22 4636. There is online support and info for carers at this site, http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/helpline for carers

I hope your girlfriend considers seeking professional support. If you'd like to talk further, you can post back here at any time 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[geoff]

hi James, if your g/friend is denying her anxiety and then depression, it will make her say things that she may not have worried about, but at the moment a bit of jealousy is happening.
We all look at other people whether we like their looks or not, it's only natural, because none of us can wear blinkers that would be silly, and even if there is another girl who is attractive doesn't mean that if you were together you would get along.
Even if you decided to propose now then that would make her feel secure, but again only for a short time, but with how she reacts I think she needs counseling, but whether you want to keep this going is up to you, because when she keeps doubting what you say, you have to tell her to stop this, because if she can look at guys, then you can look at girls. Geoff.

[Maui757]

Hi James,

I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Depression and anxiety do weird things and make us think, feel and say terrible things.

I'm ashamed to say that I've been that girl (like you're describing your gf), and I've done all of that to my boyfriend. The good news is, we're still together! But if your gf really is feeling like that, it sounds very similar to me.

I used to react like that out of a lack of confidence in myself, and the belief that I wasn't good enough for my bf. I truly believed that I was a terrible person not worth anyones time, and I couldn't understand why my boyfriend would stay with me when I was such a terrible person!? So my guess is, it's not you that is the problem. It sounds like she's in a really dark place, and she's not coping. She's lashing out and trying to push you away before you can push her away - It's a way to protect herself (Or at least this is what it was for me - I may be wrong about your gf). I would constantly convince myself that he was interested in other girls, or that he secretly hated me, or that he was only staying with me because he didn't want me to do something stupid. He used to tell me to get over myself when I went too far, and believe it or not that actually helped me, because it broke my negative cycle. It wasn't easy, but it forced me to reconsider, to listen to what he was trying to tell me. Not saying that's what you should do, but he wasn't just a perfectly silent boyfriend through all of this, and I don't blame him!!

The thing that helped me the most was that my boyfriend stuck with me. He didn't give up, he tried not to get mad at me, and he showed me he loved me at every moment he could. It was a very rough road, and we almost lost our relationship. It's not an easy road, and your journey is just as hard as hers. But I would encourage her to get help, because she needs it. It's a scary place, and it's not easy to get out of.

Try and stay strong. If she loves you, she won't leave you. And if you can get through this, you can get through anything! I hope this helps, and I hope you work it out.

Bianca