New and really just wanting to vent/look for some advice

[tommeh]

I'm a 24 years old and feel like I'm starting to get depressed. I spent a lot of my teenage years/early adulthood alone and playing video games. I'm lucky that I had a very loving and supportive family, but always wished I had more of an active social life. I started to put myself out there more a few years ago and made some friends through playing sport and exercise whom I regularly hang out with. I've recently come to the realisation that I have very low self esteem and worry A LOT about what people think about me. I'm constantly worrying about if my friends are doing things without me, I worry about "saying the right things", constantly replaying conversations I have with people in my head while thinking of things I should have said and beating myself up for not saying them. My friends always ask me how I'm always so happy, how i'm always smiling and laughing and so on. They think I'm the happiest person in our social circle. What they don't realise is when I'm not hanging out with them I'm by myself at home miserable and lonely. I have always loved exercise and started going to the gym a few years ago because I was teased a lot in high school for being too skinny. I managed to bulk up to the point where I get a lot of compliments on my physique and it makes me feel good about myself. Recently though I dislocated my shoulder and require surgery which will mean I can't go to the gym for 6 months and this really worries me. Not only is the gym "therapeutic" for me in that when I'm there my mind goes blank and any problem I'm currently having seems to fade away. I'm also really concerned about how I will react when I start losing all the muscle I've worked so hard due to the inactivity following surgery. I'm known amongst my friends and people I meet as the "fit athletic guy" and it feels like after I have this surgery I'll lose my "identity" and people won't be interested in me anymore. I just don't know what to do. Every negative emotion I'm faced with, the gym has always been my release and I won't have that for 6 months. I'm worried about how my mental health with fare during this time. What should I do?

[james1]

Hello tommeh,

welcome to the forums. I'm 25 so not much older than you and I also spent (okay okay, let's be honest, still spend) a lot of time on my own with video games.

I just wanted to say good work on trying to change yourself to be someone you want to be. It can be really hard and I think often people don't realise, but it sounds like you've put a lot of effort into trying to be more social and to build your self confidence which is really good.

I'm sorry to hear though about your surgery. That's a real bummer, especially in this transition period where you're trying to build a new identity. You talked about how you feel like you'll lose your identity as the fit athletic guy and people won't care about you any more. I'd say this is a pretty low chance of happening unless all you talk about with your friends is being fit and athletic.

Your friends are your friends not because you are the fit and athletic guy, but because of who you are. It's possible that you don't even know who you are, but they see things beyond the muscle you've been building and they have some opinion of you. Clearly it's made a good enough impression. So if you're the "fit and athletic guy who got injured and can't stay fit and athletic", no one's going to just turn around and run. Because to them, you're the "fit and athletic guy with a personality we like".

So perhaps you'd like to find another hobby. A shoulder injury pretty much rules out all the sports, but what else can you do instead which is outdoors. Can you go for hikes now that we're moving into Spring? What else would you enjoy?

Don't forget that you can always tell your friends that you're struggling without having the gym to release your emotions. A lot of people go to the gym for the same thing and will understand that. We all have emotions and need a release.

James

[Cesca1557]

Hi Tommeh,

I feel like I have a lot of the same self-esteem insecurities as you do and I also ruminate and play things in my head again and again, wondering why I couldn't have said anything different. I wish I could give you tips to help with that but I have no idea either. Its definitely something that I need to work on. Its so important to reach a point where you are happy on your own, so that when you are with friends, you dont rely on them for you to feel better. Definitely easier said than done though but its so good that you have realised this and want to begin to improve on it!

Im so sorry about your injury, theres nothing worse than not being able to exercise when it is something that you love but also rely on for mental health and wellbeing.

Im sure your friends will still love you despite you not being able to go to the gym anymore! You are more than just being the fit guy, and hopefully the next few months will make you realise that as well! Is there any exercises that you are still able to do? Your shoulder might be injured but can you still do exercises focusing on the bottom half of your body, or running? It might not be what you are used to but this will allow you to find a new release for you emotions, and will allow you to engage your muscles and maintain your fitness less?

Cesca

[BballJ]

Hi tommeh,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

It was good to read that you realised you didn't have a active social life so you went out and tried to do something about it, which is great and shows a lot of courage as not many people can do that. I know you feel you have an identity that you need to uphold but a lot of the time people are drawn to personalities, you said people always comment on how happy you are, a lot of people are drawn to that and feed of that positive energy and I am sure whilst you are recovering from surgery, they will be hoping you are ok. I know deep down you feel miserable and lonely and that is hard as well, have you ever considering speaking to a psychologist to try and work out why you feel the way you feel? It took me around 10 years to see a psychologist and they do really help a lot, really help with putting things into perspective.

I know you are worried about losing the muscle you have worked so hard for but will there be other things you can whilst recovering? Possibly swimming and cycling? I know it limits how much you can do when you have shoulder surgery but once you are recovered you will be able to get back into the gym I'd imagine. It seems exercise if your escape which is great and that's why I am thinking swimming might be a good thing to do so you can keep your mind clear.

My best for you,

Jay