needing a listening ear.

[Bec98]

I don’t really know why I’m here… I guess I just don’t know who to talk to. Well it’s not that I don’t know who to talk to, it’s that I have no one to talk to. I am 20 years old and I can safely say I have no friends, zero. I was bullied in high school and what little friends I did come out with I haven’t heard from in months. Even with that they would never understand what is going on in my life. For the last 10 years my mother, sister and myself have been abused by my stepfather (soon to be ex), and I have really been struggling to find some sort of "normal". For the last 10 years I have been told ‘it’s all in your head; mental health isn’t real; your making it up; if you don’t have a physical bruise or mark, it is not abuse.’ so anytime i breakdown, like I did tonight, I feel weak and I have this stupid voice in the back of my head telling me you’re making it all up. I have been to the psychologist and been through the whole ‘it’s not in your head, it’s okay to feel this way’ blah blah blah; but half my life has been the complete opposite, being told it is not okay to be the way I am, and I am really struggling to adjust to this change.
I missed out on my teenage years. Going to parties, hanging out with people, just being a teen. I refused to go to parties or out with anyone because that would mean leaving my mother alone with that monster. I was so scared That I would come home and find her in a pool of blood or worse. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. Even when i had to go out (on the rarest of times) i would be texting mum non stop worried sick that something would happen. I know i have been babbling on for a long time and I still have so much more i need to get out. Right now I feel like this computer is my only friend. I really just need someone to hear me, even if this never gets read i just need to get this all out. I need to stop bottling it up.
If someone out there does read this, and are having their own problems and wants an ear, I’m here. And I could really use one too.

[smallwolf]

Bec98,

Hi. Normally here I would welcome you, and provide you with links within site, but the little insight into your life makes that all seem so insignificant. Rather, what I will say is this...

Your story will be read. I am reading it now. And other people on the forums will read it also. There are many people on this forum like myself who will listen to you and support you in your time of need. Also, you have not been babbling either. As strange as it sounds, your "need to stop bottling it up" is a step in the right direction.

You also said that "been to the psychologist and been through the whole ‘it’s not in your head, it’s okay to feel this way". This is true unfortunately. Just because the pain is not visible, does not mean it does not exist. Healing takes time. Being able to let go takes time. These are words that have been said to me by my psychiatrist.

When your inner voice tells you things, say thank you to it and let that thought drift away. That is a little trick I picked up in a book my psych recommended I read.

It is my hope that you will come back tomorrow and share some more of yourself. Together with myself and the rest of the people here at beyond blue, you will find the path into a place of joy and happiness you deserve. This might be a virtual space only, but you have also gained a friend.

Sending you peace and loving thoughts,

Tim

[Summer Rose]

Hi Bec98

I'm listening, lovely girl. Welcome to the bb forums.

I'm sorry that you have had such a rough time. I think it's amazing that despite your own pain and suffering that you were always thinking of mum. But, at the same time, I'm so sorry you had to carry that responsibility and worry at such a young age.

I'm really glad that you are seeing a psychologist. It's not easy to change your thinking but it is possible with the right help. I encourage you to keep trying.

I know you're new here. Hopefully this thread will help as well. You can share as much or as little as you want, whenever you want. Do you want to talk about what upset you tonight?

[MsPurple]

Hi Bec and welcome to the forums

IT must have been hard to deal with that. Just being told you are in the wrong when you were not. Although I can not personally relate to your story, I do know what it feels like to be told something was your fault but still remember when you were told it was can still sit with you. It can make if feel like everything is your fault.

I am not really experienced with abuse. I am glad your mum is no longer wanting to be with the person that has hurt you both. I thought I should also refer you to 1800RESPECT. I have heard good things about the service.

I just want to remind you that it is not your fault. And yes it will take a while to accept that it wasn't your fault and change your thinking process. As someone with anxiety I know it is an ongoing process.