Need some advice :(

[immapsych_student]

Hi,

I'm an (international) undergrad psych student. In uni, everyone calls me a bright spark, an active volunteer, an outgoing future leader but deep down I feel worthless at home. Don't get me wrong though, my parents and grandparents love me to bits but since I moved to Aus, I'm staying with my uncle (my mum's bro) and my aunt.

Apparently, my uncle told me to stay without having to pay for anything including rental and it got my 'aunt' furious about it. The problem here is that she treated me nicely when people are around but she started to call me names when it's only us at home. Few months back, she told me to look for a room on campus. Without hesitation, I agreed but still, I had to tell my parents about it. Basically my family back in my country was rather dissapointed so they called to ask her about it. However, she backstabbed me instead and accused me of being a liar and said that it was me who insisted on moving our with my friends. I have to be honest here, I've never got that sort of thoughts before as education is my top priority.

I told my uncle the truth (i.e. the things she said to me when my uncle wasn't around). She started to call me rude, liar, etc. And yes, I lost my uncle's trust as well. Since then, she never talked to me and when she sees me coming back from uni, she will bang the doors and everything (only when my uncle is not at home though). I am very, very upset for being accused and mistreated like this especially when I actually respected them all these while. I grew up with strict parents and there is no way they will teach me to mistreat others.

I tried to engage with more people in uni, get involved in more on/off campus activities and more. Yes, I acheived what I wanted as a student and a future clinician but sometimes, she just gets over my nerves. I tried to understand everything from the psych perspective but still, I need more people to hear my voice so I feel better. I still have 2 1/2 more years of education journey to go. If you're reading this, pls advice me on how to stay happy in and out and how should I deal with her?

Thanks and regards,

immapsych_student

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Move out as soon as you can. This particular woman has you in her sights and you wont be able to change things.

In time after you move out things might repair themselves.

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

Greetings, agree with Tony WK above. I can certainly hear what you are saying and although it would be good to establish a positive relationship with your Aunt and gain back the relationship with your Uncle, it certainly appears that she has you in her target so probably best to remove yourself from the environment. It is toxic and any toxic environment is not conducive to good mental health.

You have a lot to study over the next few years so your mental health is going to be crucial to becoming a good psych. Make sure that the decisions of today do not effect your tomorrow.

Regards

Mark.

[immapsych_student]

Hi Tony and Mark,

Thank you so much for your insights. Truly appreciate that. I certainly think that it's a good idea to move out but it's quite a costly procedure. Moreover my family back there wouldn't allow me as I'm still a teenager (perhaps a kid in their eyes).

I was almost successful at moving out but when she turned her head around to accuse me, my fam turned to 'advise' me instead. And yeah, I'm her target or what psychology would call as an attribution error going on there (I'm definitely her 'out-group' so whatever I do is just unacceptable).

Not only that, she is also being very disrespectful to my other elders. She never called my grandparents who are so far away, all she did was call her own immediate fam. She didn't greet my other older aunt when she came visit me last year. Worst of all, she taught her kids to be disrespectful to all fam members of her husband's side.

She is probably the worst person I've met in my life so far. She's a middle-aged adult, goes to church every weekend but still...

[Demi1]

Hi immapsych_student,

My name is Demi, it is lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts/feelings and story with us, I hope you find support and guidance within these forums. I am so sorry to hear about your current living/family situation; I imagine it can be quite confronting attempting to retain/mend the relationship with your Aunty and Uncle as well as making your own mental health a priority (which it should be.) I do agree with Mark and Tony and suggest that you begin to investigate other living arrangements. I understand that this could be stressful and inconvenient depending on where you are studying etc but I think if you give yourself, and your family (Aunt and Uncle) a bit of distance not only will you be able to focus on your own needs, but you can gradually work towards rebuilding the relationship with them. As you said it can be quite costly, but there's nothing wrong with exploring your options; whether that be moving out with a friend, or staying on campus, there are an abundance of opportunities and although it will take time, I strongly believe it will be worth it in the end 🙂

Please keep us updated, we would love to help in any way we can.

Demi x

[MarkJT]

Immapsych, has your uni got someone that you can go see who could help you out with accomodation? They would have come across similar situations in the past i would think.

It would certainly appear that things are getting worse so trying to study whilst in a toxic environment is not only very difficult but also damaging to your mental health.

Be interested to see what you do so please feel free to continue posting.

Mark.