Ok so... idk how to word this so I’m just gonna kinda blurt it all out and hope someone understands.
Im a 19yo male, first year apprentice
ive never really told anyone about this but here it goes.
idk why but it am realising I am happy when I am with friends, but other than that alone I regularly just feel angry or sad. I feel sad/depressed a lot. I sometimes somehow enjoy feeling sad, but it’s not really enjoyment idk how to explain it. People say I’m funny, life of the party, I’m well known around where I live but i feel riddled with anxiety. Feel like everyone is judging me (not including my family or my 2 best mates, who I can finally be comfortable around). I swing from feeling ugly as hell to feeling like I look good/regular, these swings can last for days to weeks. Regularly pay for things for other people, never chase people up for money they owe me. Always leave my belongings at peoples houses, taking weeks/months to get the motivation to get them back. I am very non-confrontational, non-violent, hardly get angry when someone wrongs me, but I also explode at my family (mainly my brother) over little annoyances when I feel like that’s just me letting off steam. Always afraid im disappointing the people I love. Feel like the black sheep of the family. Lost a lot of motivation for the gym. playing guitar at the moment (maybe 6 months) I drink every weekend and have recently picked up a smoking habit while drinking because I like it and really don’t care about the consequences. I wish I could care about my future health but other than trying to appear healthy I couldn’t give a crap. Flip from being normal/outgoing to socially awkward depending on the occasion/day. Either feel like sleeping all day or can not sleep at all (like right now it’s 12am and I have work tomorrow, my mind is racing) I abuse MDMA regularly (which a lot of my friends also do) and feel guilt afterwards. I seem to mess up any chance I have with a girl, either through sheer awkwardness when we hang out sober (met most from parties), or me just sabotaging myself by cutting contact etc even tho I don’t want to, I feel people get bored of me/I’m annoying) I always go out with friends and while I’m out I love it but inside I just want to be alone, but I also don’t want to be alone. I’m not sure what I want.
Just realised this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person hahahaha but idk had to get the thoughts out there, also I’m tired but cannot for the life of me sleep right now.
