Need a little support

[mizaru]

Hey guys,

I've never posted in a forum before or ever really used online support. But I'm having a really low day and am not dealing with it well so could really use a little help right now.. I'm quite upset with myself because I thought I was doing so well over the summer and am now right back to where I was like 6 years ago. It's really frustrating and I've been seeing someone for about 3 years but nothing has really changed. I went on medication for a while but then stopped... I'm not sure why I stopped. I think it was because I felt like they weren't really doing anything but making me tired and empty.

And I mean I'm the first to tell other people trying to deal with depression about how long a road it is and that they can't expect to wake up one morning and just be cured so they must try not to be frustrated with themselves for feeling like they're taking steps backwards. So I feel kind of hypocritical for being in this mindset. But I can't help it. It's so unfair. You can go for months thinking everything is fine and then suddenly you can't get out of bed or bring yourself to go outside or go to work or uni and it's like a punch in the stomach everytime it happens. I really dont know what to do. I'm worried I may be like this always.

Usually I'd talk to my mum about this. Mum has always been amazing but I'm so worried that I'm burdening her. And whenever I try to talk to her I can see she's trying to understand but she just can't. And all it does is make her sad that I'm not getting better. I don't want to make her sad anymore.

[Music_Freak]

Mental illness can be a roller coaster, but you've realised that something isn't right and have come here, so well done for that

Do you have a GP/therapy of some sort? You should probably talk to them, because you may just need different medications.

By the sounds of it, your mum cares about you, maybe you can tell her about how you feel but include how you plan to help yourself...she might be relieved, you never know 🙂

Everyone is lovely here and we're hear to listen and offer support as best we can. Good luck and let us know how things go

[White_Rose]

Dear Mizaru

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great you have found your way here and told us your story. Thank you for that. As Music Freak has said, mental illness can be a roller coaster and when we swoop down to the bottom of the roller coaster it can be alarming and disheartening, and a bit scary. The most comforting part is that it happens to everyone with depression. You are not alone and neither will you be stuck in that place forever.

I often suggest to people to explore the BB web site and read the information available on depression and anxiety. Go to the blue tabs at the top of the page and browse through the topics. Send for hard copies of anything or download them to your computer. You will also find information for families and friends which may be useful to your mum.

Sometimes medication can lose its effectiveness or appear to not do its job well. This is the time to have a medication review with your GP or whoever is prescribing your medication. Its always good to have a periodic review if only to confirm everything is working well. Taking, or not taking, antidepressants is a debate that takes place frequently and there is really no definitive answer. Some folk find it amazingly helpful while others experience a much reduced effect. Some people have no side effects while others need to try many AD to find something compatible with their problems.

I know the dismay we experience when suddenly our depression makes a U turn and comes back to haunt us. Why this is so is beyond me in general. I know I am more vulnerable when my diet is less then good. Sugar plays an important role in my life. Actually it is the reduction in my sugar intake that is beneficial to me. Once I start craving sweet things to eat I know I will get caught in a downward spiral, and the annoying thing is that I know this and still eat sweet stuff. We are so often our own worst enemies.

Can you identify the time you started to feel down? Has your diet changed lately? Have there been difficult events happening which have upset you? It doesn't take much to ring back our various miseries which is why we need to keep a toolbox of actions for these occasions.

I do urge you to have a chat to your doctor, explain your mood and ask for a review. Perhaps you have outgrown your counsellor and need someone different to help you reach the next step forward. Finding a compatible therapist is so important and may takes several attempts.

Continue to talk and write in.

Mary

[geoff]

hi Mizaru, welcome to the site, and what you have said is no different to what happens to most of us, so maybe that maybe able to relax you for just a bit before we get into your comment.
You have to try and remember that by having depression of any type will naturally make you feel tired, plus the fact that some antidepressants (AD) can also do the same for people.
When it comes to helping other people when they too feel depressed and to tell them that you are not able to wake up feeling better all of a sudden because to overcome and accept that it just doesn't go away that quickly, but when it comes back to us and how we feel, we do hope that it will just go away as quick as it has come, so yes we are definitely unreasonable to what we have have said, and by saying that don't deny yourself some credit.
As we go through life we start to learn that our depression will never leave us, however it will disappear at certain stages where we begin to enjoy life, but bubbling away is this illness hoping for a chance to have another go at us, so we have to prepare ourselves and set in plan what our recovery method is, because we are never sure if or when we are crippled once again by depression.
When I have a relapse I know that within a couple of days it will disappear, so that's what you have to say to yourself, but more importantly convince yourself.
Your mum must be amazing but it's not easy for her to know what to do or what to say, especially if she hasn't had depression herself, so she is rather perplexed, so can I suggest that she reads material from BB about depression, this will only enlighten her on the fro's and con's of what to do or say, however this maybe something she may not want to do, so would you be able to get back to us so this conversation can continue. Geoff.

[PatT]

Hi mizaru,

welcome to the forums. Firstly I really don't think you should be feeling like a hypocrite for giving the advice you're giving. You're giving valuable advice from the position of somebody that suffers from an illness. Your words are based on empathy and knowledge and you shouldn't feel bad for giving advice while you're having trouble dealing with it yourself. You wouldn't feel bad if you were a repeat cancer sufferer giving advice to somebody on their first bout of chemo, would you?

What avenues do you have available for help at the moment? Are you still seeing somebody? Is going back on meds a possibility? I know personally that I rely pretty heavily on mine. Would you consider keeping your mum more informed? Mothers are incredibly perceptive and she probably realises that something's wrong. Even if she doesn't understand it's probably better to keep her in the loop than out of it.

Also I think what Geoff said about the temporal nature of mental illness is really important. Today might be bad day, tomorrow might be worse, the day after might be better then 2 weeks down the track you might have forgotten why you posted here to begin with. I feel like treating mental illness is best done by introducing a bunch of mitigating activities to reduce the severity via distraction until it starts to fade. E.g. exercise, meditation, socialising, therapy (psychotherapy and pharmaceutical) and other things that get your mind off whatever you're feeling.

If you can maintain a level of positive engagement in positive activities then that's the best means of treatment. Are you doing other positive things like the ones I mentioned? I know it can be hard to manoeuvre them in amongst uni, work and other commitments but a full calendar can often be the best way to get over a relapse. Finally, hope you stay on the forums and let us know how you're doing,

cheers, Pat.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi mizaru,

I definately agree with what's been said already here.

It's not uncommon for people with depression to feel like they are on a rollercoaster; or better yet, a blind one. We don't always know what's going to happen or why we feel okay one day and down the next. It's exhausting and frustrating, and it does sometimes feel like we take a step backwards instead of forwards.

But I think it's important to know that by coming here that's a forwards step - by seeing someone and talking about things, that's a forwards step. By taking medication, that's a forwards step. Often while things seem like they are going backwards it might actually not be the case. For me personally, seeing a therapist has taught me about how my depression works and what it looks like for me. So for example, I know that there are a few things that tell me I'm not doing okay; I get insomnia, I don't eat properly.. these are all little things that my body is telling me that I'm not okay. If I ignore them, then I have an episode and just like you, find that suddenly I don't want to get out of bed. Have you found that you have signs too? Is there anything that shows you that you're not coping okay? Sometimes it can help to try and identify these - that way; you'll feel more in control, be able to take some steps to manage it, and know that this depression won't always feel like a rollercoaster.