My family has pressured me into being highly competitive

1derwall · ‎17-10-2016

My family is extremely talented. My parents were both Dux of their high school, and studied each at Cambridge and Oxford. My twin brother and I are relatively the same. I am obviously the dumbest in the family- my brother is in the extended learning program at school and I am not, but I always get academic awards and he doesn't- and this is my way of thinking. "They're good at this and won this- but then again I won this that time and got this blah blah blah." I am constantly comparing myself to others, and always talking them down in my head, to drag myself up, to the top, where I need to be to feel appreciated. Being a twin, I was always instantly comparable to my brother, and vice versa. This made me feel like there was nowhere to hide my failure, no matter how big or small. My parents- being talented and impressive make me feel like I'll never be good enough. I've often overheard my parents saying things like "she's too dumb for physics," or "She's too lazy to make state." I know they're intelligent, and this makes it hard for me to imagine that what they say is anything but true. I'm not exactly asking a question by this post, or seeking any advice, I just need someone to know; I find it hard to love my imperfections because of my parents, and I feel they wouldn't love me if I wasn't successful.

white knight · ‎17-10-2016

Hi

Reminds me of a female friend of mine. She had a daughter and my friend loved jazz and singing. Her daughter however grew up to have a passion of ballet. But by the age of ten her mother had spent so much money on instruments tuition and singing her daughter would not be permitted to pursue her passion.

The result? Her daughter grew up to dislike her mother. Her daughter constantly claimed her mother was living her own childhood through her, which is kind of true.

There is a saying "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations". Parents can be hard task masters. Their intentions are good but that is little comfort to their children that, facing challenges placed upon them, begin to find life stressful.

Lets use an example. Say right now you decided, after much thought, that you'd like to leave home at 18yo and join the Army. Lets look at the advantages- adult wages, cheap accommodation and meals, comradery, travel, sense of achievement, learning a profession say in this case...engineer and so on. Would you get opposition from your parents because you weren't travelling the career journey they set out for you? Or would they give you their blessing because you would be achieving your chosen field of lifestyle and career? Just something to think about.

You don't declare your age but I would be discussing this with a school counsellor. Ok, my reply wasn't going to give you advice so I'll leave it there. Hope you are ok and remember, chat with your prents calmly and maturely...they'll listen better that way.

Tony WK

1derwall · ‎18-10-2016

Hi White Knight,

thank you for your response, I think speaking to my parents for now is a bit of a big step but I'm in the process of working up the courage to see the counselor at school and maybe talk to my twin brother, as he is probably most empathetic to my situation at this stage.

In answer to your question about joining the army, I feel it's not even what my parents have told me to do or be in life. It's a case that they simply expect it of me- and give no recognition of how hard it would be for me to get there. They 'know' in their minds what I'm going to be- in line with their expectations. It's because of their certainty that I'm even more scared to disappoint them.

blondguy · ‎19-10-2016

Hello 1derwall

reading your post reminded me of my parents and their 'good intentions' and setting stratospheric goals for me.

I have no advice for you as per your request. I was just made to feel like a major loser if I wasnt achieving my parents goals. Just from my perspective I think that some parents 'try to live their dreams through their kids'

I have only mentioned to my daughter to be happy in whatever she chooses to do, whether a captain of an Airbus A380 or a kitchen hand or a Police Officer. If she is happy with whatever path she chooses then I'll be over the moon 🙂

My parents are also very talented (and Oxford educated) and gifted academically. I just wanted to be happy with my own achievements, not achieve anyone else's goals.

I do understand fully that you dont wish to disappoint your parents. That is very noble and good on you.

Your parents will always love you so much because you are their daughter...a very intelligent and well articulated daughter as well by the way..

you will find you own way...and my congrats to you for the high level of your self expression and strength to post on Beyond Blue 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

geoff · ‎19-10-2016

hello 1derwall, to feel the dumbest in the family is talking yourself into being that, you may not be good at some things but then you will excell in other areas, probably which you have not discovered as yet.
Bright and brainy parents always have this feeling that their kids have to be top of the class, but this is an unrealistic thought, in other words some parents who have not even completed year 12 at school can produce kids who go on and have a very successful business and a company that is always expanding.
If your parents are often saying 'that you'll never be good enough' is only creating a bad stigma in you, when they say 'that's not good enough', instead they should be encouraging you with everything you do, that promotes encouragement and desire, whereas if they do the opposite then you will always feel not good enough.
It's not up to them to tell you what to do, that's a decision which you have to make yourself, whether you want to clean windows, so what, because you could build a company from this.
I know that parents will love you more if you can do what they want you to do, but you would want to work in a job that you hate but what your parents wanted, NO, because this can then lead onto an illness which you don't want, such as depression.
My twin and I were a bit competitive but only in a playful way, he was better at something while I was better at something else so does that matter, to us no we couldn't have cared a less, and as your a female while he is a male then you are going to choice which direction you will head down, while his is going to something totally different.
When your parents complain to you then tell them that that's not what you want to do and that you can't be forced just to please them, because your heart is not in it and that you have other plans.
They can scream and yell, so what, just ignore them and think of something nice that you like, in other words block your ears. Geoff. x

james1 · ‎19-10-2016

Hey 1derwall,

I'm 24 but it wasn't long ago that I was in school and actually my sister is in school at the moment (year 12).

I know exactly what you mean by feeling pressured into being a high achiever. That was always the thing growing up, and it wasn't only just academically, it was being #1 in everything, whether academic, sports, music...there was no such thing as doing things for enjoyment.

And similar to your situation, I'm older than my sister by 7 years but she just outguns me in every department. Smarter, sportier, better public speaker, she's school captain where I wasn't even a prefect...yeah it's not a fun comparison, haha, and all I can say is good on her.

But one of the things I've come to realise is listening to my parents is just...damaging for me. I know they have the right intentions, but I can't listen to them. It's hard to just drop a parent figure's opinion, so I had to replace it with something else.

So the only suggestion I have, because the others have given some really good advice already, is find someone you look up to. What do they do which inspires you? Try to follow that instead. For me, I have a friend whose family is really into art and they just try to find enjoyment in life through their art and each other, and just experiencing life for what it is. That's something I'd like to do.

James

Quiettall · ‎19-10-2016

Hi folks

I really like these replies. It reminds me of my situation where I was always compared against my older brother. I was always told I could be better than him. He ended up being a professor and successful business owner. I have had a good life as a senior executive manager in government. My brother and I lost touch with each other for many years, but it is only in the last year or so that we have reconnected and enjoy a great relationship where we truly respect each other for our respective achievements. He confided in me that he admired the fact that I did what I did with my liefe, despite the parents and family pressuring me.

Parents often think they know best but I think their vision for you clouds the reality of you being able to find your own feet and way in life, and for them to support and respect you for whatever direction you take.