My dad is increasingly difficult and emotionally abusive

[immy19]

My parents have been divorced for 10 years now but it feels like yesterday they were just divorced. Over the past few months I've had to stop seeing my dad because he is unstable, narcissistic and blames my mum and me for all his mistakes. It started a little over 2 years ago when I had a massive anxiety attack and accidentally lashed out at him and he called the police, he has called the police on me and my mum at least 3 other times after that. He has been threatening to go back to court and sue mum for apparent centrelink fraud and to blame her for me choosing to not see him, which in his eyes mum has broken the law by going against stupid court orders. I keep telling myself that I need to see him to make him feel better but every time I do he breaks down or lashes out and I just go into flight mode because I'm to exhausted and empty to lash out. Everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other and/or gets reverted back to mum. Mum's been really supportive and so have her friends but she's confusing and emotionally damaged as well. It's like WW3 to me. Some nights I can't sleep and others I just feel so numb it feels like I'm not even there and when I have really vivid dreams (almost every night) I wake up and hope to god it's not real. But what I don't understand is why he's so nice to me over phone and text but not in person. He wants the best for me yet I'm his punching bag. I'm only starting to realise who people really are and it hurts. I know I'm not lonely but I just feel I have nobody to call a close friend and I'm scared because I don't want a life like this. I don't even remember when my life wasn't like this. I hate myself for not being able to do better and I wish I had a normal family. I find comfort in masking myself online and becoming obsessed with TV characters or books and maybe that's why I'm letting myself down. I just wish my dad wasn't so difficult and I could be clear about my decision.

[JessF]

Hello immy, it sounds like you're in the eye of the storm. When you are describing your family situation as WW3, then it makes sense that you feel so exhausted and caught in the middle. And in the middle of all this, your emotional needs are not being met.

One good thing in all of those uncertainty is your own strength. You have been strong enough to decide that a relationship with your dad is not good for you right now, so you have stepped away. It's a brave and hard decision, and it sounds like your dad may not be happy with this, but that is for him to work out.

The next step is working out how you can develop some healthy relationships in your own life to get some of the nurturing that you're not getting now. I think you're seeing in the TV shows and books you're reading a sense of the life you might like to have for yourself. Can you think about what it is about these characters that you would like to try and have in your own life?

Hold on through the storm immy. Keep focused on your own good health and needs for now.