My Boyfriend and Me

[Danni_Gansberg]

Hi, my name is Danni and my boyfriend Ollie and I are both 22. Ollie was diagnosed at 14 with depression and anxiety along with borderline personality disorder. we have been dating for 5 months and have been living together for 2 months. we did jump into things very quickly with moving but this was due to his home life with his family was a bad environment and he couldn't bear the negativity. Over the time we have been together there have been ups and downs, changes in medication and a hospital visit. I see myself as a very strong person emotionally, and very care-driven. I enjoy helping people and it gives me a great sense of purpose. over the last week things have gotten bad. He became very distant and shut off, not wanting to talk to me, but resulting to talking to complete strangers as a way of getting validation that he was worth something. I knew about this as I was one of those strangers until we became closer, and I never had an issue, I just be as supportive as i can and be reassuring that he does mean something. Last night I finally got him to open up to me, he broke down saying that for reasons unknown to him he just doesn't feel anything anymore, for me or anything else. He still cares for me and didn't talk to me because he didn't want to hurt me. He makes it clear that he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't feel like he can be a positive person in my life and he cant give me what he thinks I need, like gifts and emotional support. I have always said i don't need gifts and presents to be happy because as long as he is a part of my life I am happy. He still wants to be close to me and be a part of my life, but doesn't feel like he can be a supportive partner at the moment. I am having trouble figuring out whether this is just a phase or whether this is what he really feels. He has gone through little phases of being distant but he always bounced back and became the person I fell in love with. So I'm just looking for a little advice on how to go from here. How can I be reassuring that I will be there no matter what I am, friend or girlfriend.

[Guest_7403]

It's always important to note with bpd sufferers to be empathic and not sympathetic, otherwise you will feed them that need to be toxic and negative.

It sounds like typical borderline characteristics, they have no sense of self and look for people to acknowledge there self worth. Although not narcissists they do appear to be narcissists

Also the telling you he can't do this, can't give you what you need so can't be with you is another typical borderline characteristic. This one being "fear of abandonment" in which he will continue to test you by pushing you away to see how much you'll take and keep coming back.

Unfortunately there need for this constant validation means that they will continue to do it (almost unknowingly) and each time the extent at which they push can seem to become more extreme as they are trying to get you to react emotionally

You should Google the 9 traits of borderline personality disorder as it will give you insight to what types he has...You might even identify them when he's triggered

There's lots of resources available for family and partners, the best advice is to set up strong boundaries that he knows can't be crossed and also to not get into emotional fights with him when he is irrational....You will not be able to have a meaningful discussion whilst he's in this state of mind

Best of luck