Lost. Haunted. Afraid

[lost_helpless]

I'm a 24 year old, qualified tradesman, full time single parent and i run my own business!
sounds good doesn't it
the dream.

the reality

im 24 and my life is going down hill fast. i loved my job i was great at my job, now i avoid going back. (workplace accident) 
i have a little 4yo boy he is my world, it hurts me deep inside to look at him and can not give him the things he wants (materialistic items).
i had a crew of employees at one stage money was great, started a family. family split, business closed. 
during that time i had an addiction the drug ice which now I'm still recovering from.
I've always been afraid to ask for help and always fought my own battles. this thread is the furthest I've ever gone to get some serious help. not sure if I'm looking for an excuse or just man up and fight on..

[CrashCoyote]

Hi lost_helpless,

Thank you for posting. Seeking help is often the hardest part of any lifestyle change. You mention that you are recovering from a drug addiction. Are you clean now?

I am a divorced dad of five and left my career through injuries sustained at work. I was lucky enough to qualify for a pension so although I understand your comments about your heartache about your son and reluctance to go back to work, it has been a long time since I felt in financial difficulty.

That said, I am sure that all your four year old son wants is your love and attention. Some do not get that from their parents. Sure, as he gets older he will want x-box and a mobile and so on, but material things are not as important to him as they might seem to you. Taking him out for the day to the city and catching a ferry or going to a large outdoor area with a ball or that has a swing set are great things to do for a boy his age. Stay at home and get out the crayons, craft materials and play doh. (You can even make your own very cheaply. Recipes online.) Pre-schoolers will do that for hours.

Keep posting if you want and I will try to provide as much support as I can for you. I am sure others will, too. The man-up strategy is a lot harder and usually unsuccessful. No man is an island!

Kind regards, John.

[lost_helpless]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. since posting this thread i went and seen the Gp who made an appointment for me tomorrow afternoon with a psychologist.

I've been clean for almost 3months now and have lapsed twice with positive outlook.  this story below is what i had posted on a site at the start of my recovery, which has lead me to beyond blue.. 

I've been on and around this drug (ice) since the age of 16 (now 24). I've seen well of strong minded people fall and lose it all, always thinking to myself I'll never let it get that bad........

It was the party lifestyle at first clubbing from Thursday to Monday no sleep all fun and games, sex drugs and rock and roll but I wasn't a rockstar.. I had a business I just started a family with a girl I once loved.

I introduced this sweet puff upon her and few friends. From a social party drug to an everyday thing More frequent then coffee and cigarettes. Started dealing learnt to cook, lost the business lost the girl Moved my son and myself away from that life. Only to find the same life 3months later.

The partying the fun, having a pipe and cleaning the house, doing chores at all sorts of hours. straight back down the same rabbit hole.  It's been 3weeks and I'm struggling I've been around it and said no which I find some pride in that, but as times goes on the stress and short temper I feel it's going to push me right back. I know I should stop for my son and stop selling his dreams for my fix but at times that all gets lost and clouded. He has never been in harms way and has never gone without what he needs but it's only a matter of time ....

I want to believe I'm strong enough I want to believe I can make it on my own I want to believe. The things I've seen and done I will never forget the people I've hurt I'm truly sorry, I'd never wish this life upon anyone and wish all going through a struggle with addiction, ice to Alcohol, I hope it gets better and you can see a way through it.......

[BenD]

Hi lost_helpless,

It sounds like you are in a very tough place. Well done for going clean for that long, it's not easy. I can't say much for ice but I've experienced similar things with opiates. It can really ruin your head space, your ambitions and others close to you.

While its courageous of you to want to fight your own battles, sometimes its even more courageous to ask for help when you need it. So once again, well done.

It sounds like you could really use a support network. Good job visiting a GP and getting a Psych appointment. Those two are definitely pillars of any recovery plan.

As John says, keep posting and we will try support you as best we can.

Ben