Living with a facial difference & struggling with getting help

[Ella1111]

I have a port wine stain birthmark on my face & ever since I was 3 or 4 I can remember hating it. I remember having thoughts about mutilating my face but it's deep i couldn't "just cut it out". Older I got I realised it's given me anxiety as I hate seeing & meeting people.

I've been depressed for too many years to remember exactly when it really started. Five years ago when I was 15 my boyfriend at the time died in a car crash not very far from my house, I grieved pretty well but that still plays in my mind a lot.

I really want to seek professional help but I'm so scared! I don't have a licence or money to catch a bus, so I'd have to get someone to drive me too appointments. My mother & fiancé both work full time, so it would have to be someone I'm not close too & im so scared to talk to Even my mum about it ! I know I have to do this sooner rather than later I'm just confused on how I can make this work as I don't want to have to tell ppl my business either !!

[Croix]

Dear Ella~

Thank you for coming here, please feel very welcome. This is a caring and friendly place where all sorts of people, who have many different problems, come together to support each other.

Unfortunately - as you know - having a mark can be one of the biggest things in one's life and it really is not surprising that you want to avoid contact with people and feel the need for help.

There is one thing I"ll mention before going on. You will appreciate there are many different types of people in the world, including a fair number who are caring, experienced and wise. For them seeing a person with a mark in public produces feelings of admiration as they can appreciate the hard road life has handed you.

OK, I'm afraid you are not going to get to see a doctor without doing something.

If it was me and I got on well with my mum I'd try to get her to realize what the problem was. Now it may not be easy just to blurt it all out, so have you considered writing her a letter saying what you need, what the effect of talking about it is and seeing what she thinks?

With professional help you may well find life a bit easier and I think it is a very good idea for you to seek it out.

The only other thought I have at the moment is county councils , local health centers and charities like the Salvos sometimes have a Community Car which takes people to medical appointments.

Please come back and talk more, say what you think about the above. If nothing suits we can certainly think again

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Ella1111,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

I'm really glad you're reaching out today; it sounds like this has been bothering you for a while and you want to get some help.

Even though I don't have a mark on my face, I do know what it's like for people to notice you when you don't fit the typical picture. I think it's important to recognise that even though people may/will notice your mark, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. It doesn't contribute to who you are as a person; to what people think about you; to all the great qualities you have;- everything that makes you 'you'.

My friend has a skin condition which is all over her body; her face is literally red raw. I don't think of her any differently then I think of any of my other friends. I see her as the person she is; creative, kind, caring etc

How would you feel trying to talk to your fiance or your mum about wanting to see someone? What do you think they would say? Perhaps they could help chip in for bus money if they aren't able to take you directly. You don't need to tell people your business! That's completely up to you how much and what you want to share.

If it helps - there are also psychologists that work on Saturday mornings or after 5pm - so this might be more doable for you.

Hope this helps

[Anonnymus]

Dear Ella.

I just want you to know i too have suffered immense stress in having people look at my face.

My partner helped me alot in accepting myself.

He looks past my face (which has pretty terrible acne that i have tried to treat for years and probably will not go away ever due to genetics and the fact that im not a millionare or even a thousandare to pay for skin treatments)

My partner taught me that it only matters what i think of myself. If people want to judge me for me being different then i can understand that they need to grow as a person and learn to love and to show compassion and no judgement towards me or other people who are different to themself.

I bet that you have a beautiful mind heart and soul.

I bet that if you were born flawless and gorgeous you'd have a hard time struggling not to be nasty to others.

I feel God has given me a blessing in disguise. He really has made self love my goal to achieve in life and i aim to achieve it whole heartedly.

Somedays im strong. Mostly i am not. But I'll never give up. There a times ive thought i would.... but i made it through so many of those 'storms'

Im sending you Love.

I wish you all the best.

I dont have the answer to you seeking pro help.

Except for maybe. Dont be ashamed to ask a loved one (mother of fiance) to help you do something positive that will make you happy.

Your mother and fiance do love you and want you happy. Im sure theyll give you a ride to wherever you need to go.

If you want to be really private about it. Pic a place thats nearby. A gym or cafe. Say you wanna be dropped there. Let them drive away and then when theyre out of sight go to your counselling session.

Or the best way is just be honest and tell them youd like to go there to help better yourself mentally.

It is not shameful to want to create a better life for youself and to get help to do it.

We cant achieve absolutely everything on our own you know.

[Anonnymus]

By the way the fact that your mark is called a port wine mark sounds so cool.

As well as facial acne i have a big lumpy purply blue thing on my bottom lip called a venus lake.

Many people rudely ask me what it is and i am proud to tell them it is called a venus lake. Ive grown to accept and love it because its a distinct feature that makes me unique.

I also have an unattractive lump on my shoulder that looks like a big skin caterpillar. It is from stiches and i forget what it called but my skin heals weird and bumpy.

I have step kids whove asked me what it is and ive told them. They touch it and say ew or thats gross or even they said it was disgusting.

I smiled and said i know.

It hurt but i let it go.

It feels cool and i have to live with it so thats that.

And i can rest easy at night knowing that i will never ever never reger to anyone as groas or disguisting by external appearances. Inner beauty is what im all about.

I someone has an ugly personality....thats hharder to live with than a blemish or two on this mortal shell we have.

[StressedReader]

Hi Ella,

I also have a unique facial appearance, I have two naturally different coloured eyebrows, one dark brown and one pure white. As a child, I suffered terrible anxiety from it and always felt as if people were staring at me. As I've gotten older I've come to accept it and I realise it's really not a big deal! I once dyed both my eyebrows to match because my anxiety had gotten so bad. When I did this I realised that people didn't treat me any differently. With normal coloured eyebrows or not, I was still accepted as a normal human being and I found people didn't judge me on it.

Now, I realise that this is different from a birthmark but it's about the realisation that people don't judge your looks or personality based on one difference on your face. Your birthmark says absolutely nothing about the wonderful personality you have.

It's clear that this really distresses you and it's great that you recognise your own need for professional help. Talking to mum and fiance about this could really be a helpful step. They won't look at you any differently to what they do now and I'm sure they would really love to support you.

I hope this helped in some way,

StressedReader