Just getting this high school bullying off my chest

[raobina]

I had an awful time at school, I always struggled with friendships due to social anxiety and I was severely bullied from grade 3 through to year 11, when I couldn’t take it anymore. I think it was at its worst in year 7. So, In year 7 my teachers would humiliate me in front of the whole class for doing trivial things wrong. I was bullied by a group of girls who decided they didn’t like me without ever getting to know me. They would laugh at me, call me their dog. They spread rumours and wrote horrible things on facebook about me. And when I just couldn’t hold it together anymore they laughed while I cried. I would sit at a table with the other kids and they would all get up and move away and I’d have the whole 8 seat table to myself. It was like I had the plague. I felt like I had the plague. And I felt like there was something really wrong with me. That I was worth so much less than everyone else. I guess I’d always felt like that, but this made me feel even more so. I sat by myself at lunch. No one stood up for me. I always stood up for myself. Which is why they kept going. They wanted my reaction.
When I went to the school about it and told them what was going on it was ‘my fault’ and ‘there was nothing they could do’. Then my mum would force me to go to school every day whether I liked it or not. I would cry and scream most mornings before I left but that was just more proof that I was out of control and the problem. And then there was my dad who, when he had to take me to school, would hit and punch me in the car while we were on our way. Called me every curse word under the sun and told me not to bother coming home that night. He took me to school most days too. I was a mess. I would stare at the wall/ground all day every day. I went through all of this alone, and I’ve never told anyone and it still haunts me today

[Quercus]

Hello Raobina and welcome to the forums,

Firstly. Thankyou. You've never told anyone about this pain and it takes an enormous amount of courage to hit post. So thank you.

I think our memories of school are so important. It is easy for people who have never experienced trauma to say oh well you're an adult now. Or to say it is in the past and to let it go. Ok so those things might be true but it doesn't help when you've never actually been able to talk about what happened, have it acknowledged and to allow yourself to be angry and hurt.

I know in myself when I am vulnerable and unwell I seem to be right back in my worst moments. Feeling worthless and useless and never good enough. It took a long time to even begin to recognise what was happening within me let alone to start to challenge these thoughts.

You have every right to be angry. The adults in your life let you down (or in your father's case abused you). The children and young adults in your school were revolting to you. Noone bothered to protect and help you let alone help you learn skills to manage your social anxiety. Yes. You should.be angry. I'm glad you're finally talking about it.

So... The important question. Where do you want to go from here? For me it wasn't enough to write anonymously. I started weekly therapy. Meds. Learning to let go of some things I've been so afraid of (Fear of rejection. Fear of confrontation. Fear of criticism).

It does help long term. It is painful. But it does help to be able to accept just because I was treated badly and hated myself doesn't mean that is who I am and will always be.

I hope this first step of speaking out has helped you somehow. You're not worthless or unwelcome or a plague or any of the disgusting things that were thrown at you. You're sure as hell not a "dog". You're a human being with wonderful qualities we are waiting to get to know better.

Welcome 😊

Nat