just a bit of a vent

[Alizerath]

honestly, I don't know what I'm doing on here. I don't think I have depression, I don't think I have anxiety.

the thing is, I don't feel okay.

I just feel so useless all the time. like, I haven't really got anything going for me. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not funny... so what am I? I am mediocre at everything I do. I try my hardest at everything but all I get out of it is a few insults and a few more shreds ripped apart at my confidence.

the thing is, I don't feel sad all the time, nor do I get the typical kind of panic or anxiety someone associates with the disorder. My parents refuse to take me to a doctor because they think I'm fine. and maybe I am? maybe I am just doing this for attention? maybe I am normal? I am just very confused. all I know is that I would rather be anyone else but me. not even my own friends, who I would do anything for like me. I tried to talk about my problems, but I'm too scared that they will judge me. because I know they will. I have many- an - experience of telling someone something personal and them immediately using it against me while gossiping about me. one day, in a rather hurtful game of truth or dare, it was revealed that I am not only the ugliest, but the dumbest, and most annoying of my friends. and I would be upset, except that they are right. what do I have to offer? I'm not a good friend, I'm not a particularly good listener, I just don't fight back and am a bit of a pushover. my friends are only friends with me so they can use me as a punching bag- something I have witnessed many times. anyway, thats all for now, i just wanted to vent.

[Croix]

Dear Alizerath~

Welcome here to the Forum, where you will find there are different way of looking at things.

Your post paints a clear picture of you life and feelings, you write well. It also points out very clearly you are a sensitive person -which is not a bad thing at all, and that you receive little support.

Also you have a circle of acquaintances (I would never call them friends) who are cruel and unfeeling.

Given all of that on an ongoing basis it is hardly surprising you see yourself in a most unflattering light -and also that you are probably mistaken. You are smart enough to come here for other people's advice, so you are not dumb.

I've no idea how pretty you are, but you have to realise pretty is something others see, not you. Your view of yourself is colored by your unhappy mood. A radiant smile can melt a heart. Just a moment of happiness and that smile can come out.

You say you are not a good freind, but you also say you would do anything for friends - I believe you and that is praiseworthy and is indeed being a good freind. All you have to learn is which ones are in fact friends and worth your trouble.

Talking about your problems is something everyone needs to do, the trick is to find someone reliable. If you are still at school is there a teacher or councilor you can have a talk with? There would be no repercussions, nobody breaching confidences. Is there anyone like that where you are? If not school in family perhaps, an auntie or other?

I don't think you are attention seeking, your unhappiness is genuine, and that is a sad thing, life can be enjoyable. Leaving aside "friends". parents and everything else what do you enjoy? A game, series of books or comic novels? Music perhaps, or maybe the beach if you are close? A pet? What would it be?

Doing things you are good at, or simply enjoy, is good for you. This is something I do and it helps. Do it long enough and you start to get the feeling you are worth something, a person entitled and deserving to have enjoyable things in their life.

If I was you I would not want to be anyone else, you sound the best of everyone you have described

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Alizerath, thanks for posting your comment.

It's difficult to know whether or not you are suffering from depression and/or anxiety as we aren't able to diagnose you because we're not qualified.

Your parents may not believe you have either of two illnesses because it's common to pretend that all is OK when in fact it's not.

I was someone who put on a brave face when talking with other people, making out that there was nothing going on with me, I wasn't depressed or anxious.

With depression, you don't have to feel sad all the time it's a feeling where we don't feel okay and being useless is also a strong indication but you need to see a doctor and could pretend to your parents that something else is wrong with you.

If they still won't take you do you have someone else who could take you or go and see the school counsellor.

You shouldn't let this just drift on, you need to get a diagnosis from a doctor, they are the people who can help you.

As we have been through this awful illness ourselves, we can provide suggestions and advice from our own experience and in saying this means we are concerned about how you are feeling.

Geoff.

[spontaneous sunflower]

First of all, you definitely don't have to have anxiety or depression to be on here! Whether you struggle with a diagnosed mental illness or not, everyone struggles mentally from time to time and we all need to talk to someone about it sometimes.

I'm assuming you're a teenager- so am I! I can relate to your insecure thoughts very much. I know a lot of teens also struggle with this. Unfortunately this is the case because of the constant pressure from social media to look a certain way. And a lot of teens feel they are not smart enough because of pressure to excel at school from parents and teachers. So with this in mind, I highly doubt you are not pretty and all the other things you said about yourself. I am certain you are beautiful in your own way, intelligent, funny and a great person to be around! Your friends are horrible for saying those things about you and they shouldn't be your friends. Perhaps another reason why you aren't feeling your best is because of the people you hang out with.

I would suggest talking to your school counsellor or a teacher you trust about your problems. If they feel it is necessary, they would probably contact your parents and suggest they take you to a psychologist if there are concerns of anxiety or depression.

Also it's worth noting that you don't actually need to have anxious or depressive thoughts to talk to a psychologist or another mental health professional. Some people talk to a psychologist even if they don't have anxiety or depression. You seem to have some self image issues and your "friends" are basically bullying you, so I think you should definitely talk to someone.

All the best! xx