its getting bad again

[kusumi108]

recently everything has been getting a bit overwhelming and hard to deal with. i feel like constantly venting to my friends will make them hate me eventually, and I don't want to ruin more of my relationships. I'm lacking the motivation to do anything and my parents contribute to that. they don't believe that their child has feelings and might not be constantly well.

I've been really down; school work is piling up, I lost most of my closest friends and my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me last month. the constant pressure im faced with is so stressful and scary. my brother is a high achiever and does well in school and many other things. compared to him im quite literally garbage. i have no one to talk to so I decided here might be a good place.

I'm always the friend that gives advice and comfort when people vent. Although it may not be helpful I try my best to say things that will make them feel better. But no one does that for me. I told a friend I wasn't well earlier and all I got in response was "unfortunate". things like that make me want to never open up again. why cant they at least try to be there for me when im always there for them?

i think im depressed, or maybe i have anxiety. a few weeks ago i was uncontrollably panicking after an argument and i had to shove my face into a blanket to calm down. I've never experienced that before and there was such a strong urge for me to self harm but i didn't.

a few years ago i opened up to a friend and told her i was self harming. she was the only person i told and she said something along the lines of "if you don't want to talk about it we don't have to" then changed the subject. was it not obvious that i wanted to talk about it? i think she wasn't taking me seriously, i thought what i was doing wasn't even self harm for a while.

anyways i think i might become a bit more active here on the forums

[Sophie_M]

Hi kusumi108,

We can hear you’re going through a really difficult time. This must be incredibly difficult, especially if you're not feeling understood. We’re really glad you could share here with this really kind and understanding community. It’s a really brave step to have taken.

Our team are reaching out to you privately to check you're ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors directly, we're on 1300 22 4636.

A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer: 

• Beyond Blue 
• Kids Helpline 
• Lifeline 
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST) 

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone.

Thanks again for sharing here, kusumi108, it's such a brave and powerful thing to have done. We hope you can see it as the first step on the path towards feeling better. We're sure we'll hear from our lovely community members soon, many of whom may be able to relate to what you're going through. 

Kind regards,

Sophie

[Sophia16]

HI Kusumi,

Thank you for reaching out to the BB forums 🙂 You are especially brave for doing so. I am really sorry about what you are going through. It seems like you're feeling tired and worn out.

I just want to say that you sound like an amazing person and friend. I understand how you feel when you said that no one is there for me but I'm there for them. I used to have friends like that but ever since I graduated high school, I broke up our friendship. They weren't worth my time and effort.

Seeing your school counsellor may be a good idea to help you get in control of your life again. It seems like your going through a lot of hardship. They are there for you to talk to and give you strategies to cope during this tough time.

I hope you are feeling okay, and I am here to chat if you need me.

[_Hotdogwater_]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your position. It sounds like you are really stressed out.
My suggestion on the work would be to talk to your teachers, maybe email them. Most teachers are reasonable human beings and understand how hard everything is right now. Most are willing to give you less work or more time to complete that work.
Often schools will have counsellors, psychologists or mental health representatives that you can talk to, and they can be good to talk through issues with. It's important to be able to talk to somebody.
Maybe take a day or a couple days just to relax and do things you enjoy? Just work on your hobbies for a bit. Just take a couple of days to destress.
From the sounds of it, your friends aren't really there when you need them whereas you are there for them in their times of hardship. They don't sounds like great friends, it might be good to look for friends who will support you. I was in a similar position once where I had nobody to talk to, I eventully just started to have long private conversations with a new friend and we used each other for support.
Also it sounds like your parents don't really understand the stress your under. It's important to not be a perfectionist, just do things to the best of your ability, but don't sacrifice your happiness for perfect work. Your mental health is more important.
You sounds like a great friend, I hope things work out for you.
Here for you if you need to chat.
- Hotdogwater

[Petal22]

Hi kusumi108,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would feel very overwhelming.

Im sorry that your parents may not understand, have you been able to speak to them and really tell them how you feel?

Maybe you could write your parents a letter so you can explain to them how you feel, you could ask your parents in the letter to make you a appointment with your gp so you can discuss how you have been feeling?

Im sorry that you and your boyfriend broke up that must be difficult.

It must have felt difficult for you when you were panicking, I understand I also used to suffer with anxiety.

Im sorry that your friend wasn’t there to listen to you when you tried to talk about your self harming.

We are all a very caring community and here for you please reach out to us anytime…. We are here to listen to you…

[therising]

Hi kusumi108

My heart goes out to you as you work hard on making sense of so much in your life. I think people underestimate what incredibly hard and exhausting work this can be. When our mind becomes a powerhouse of activity, it can actually become physically exhausting.

I'll throw at you a scenario which I hope creates a positive perspective. Imagine one day waking up to the fact you have a truly brilliant open mind. Through your brilliance, you begin searching for greater enlightenment. You suddenly begin asking a lot of questions in regard to who you are, how you tick, how you relate to others and you might even begin to question why you're here. Waking up to all this can be an exciting experience (like finding a whole new wonderful sense of self and life) but if you've got no one offering you answers or a positive sense of direction it can become depressing on a number of levels...

When you become a seeker (looking for answers, greater self understanding and a sense of direction) and you have people in your life who don't recognise or even acknowledge the anxiety inducing and/or depressing nature of such a quest, it can be incredibly triggering and sometimes even lonely. When most of your learning in life is centered around the incredibly boring and highly stressful nature of the Australian school curriculum, you can be left questioning 'Why do I have little ability, compared to others?'. While your abilities to question and wonder, to feel for others, to express compassion and to help people make sense of their challenges are outstanding, there is little reward at school for such natural outstanding abilities.

When you wake up to the fact that others don't hold the same abilities as you, such as your ability to listen carefully and help make a positive difference to people, it can leave you wondering 'Why can't others do this for me? Why do they instead shut me down?'. And while we have the ability to argue a point with someone, to the degree where our energy naturally works up, who gives us permission to channel 'The Super bi*ch' in us to vent a powerful point with our closing argument? Have we instead been conditioned to suppress that part of our self, in favour of channeling 'The People Pleaser' who doesn't rock the boat? Who tells us that keeping that kind of intense enraged energy or intolerance within us comes with consequences? We feel it.

Personally, I found waking up led me to seriously question the sanity of those around me 🙂