is it worth worrying?

artscience · ‎01-01-2015

i've never tried talking about this because i didn't want to sound weak or whiny. i'm 18, finished my first year of university and work a part time job in the service department of a supermarket. during my first semester of uni, i fell into what i could only describe as an emotionless pit. i didn't feel anything towards anyone and would spend hours at night at the uni library just to avoid contact with people. of course, working in service, i have to be nice and smile and be merry, but as soon as i'm by myself, its like i've just turned it all off and don't feel any emotions or want to do anything. i try to force myself to go out, but i hate it.it makes me feel so uncomfortable and anxious to be around people. i came good after about 2 months and now i can feel myself falling into it again. it just feels so much easier than anything else. i constantly tell myself that i don't deserve to be happy or have good friends or family, because honestly, what have i done to deserve it? nothing. i can be nice on the outside to people, but in my head, i just don't believe i deserve anything good. for the last year, i've been basically obsessed with reading fanfiction, because it feels so much better than the world i'm living in now. i don't tell anyone this because i believe it makes me weak and i don't want to be, so i deal with it on my own, because i need other peoples help. i know this is the wrong way to think about things, but its like i've ingrained it into my brain and it now how i live. i can only sleep very lightly or with nightmares and i'm constantly feeling sick and jittery. is it worth worrying about? probably not.

geoff · ‎02-01-2015

dear AS, welcome to the BB site and thanks for posting.

You have asked a question 'is it worth worrying about', and because you have mentioned this, then YES it is, and you do have a problem and this is depression, that's what is exactly 'an emotional pit', and please remember there is no weakness here, it's an illness.

You say 'obsessed' so my ears prick up, because that's what happens with having OCD, which you may have or may not, so I won't pursue this until you let me know.

No one deserves to have depression, but unfortunately we are the unlucky one's and one of it's symptoms is wanting to be alone.

You can't struggle on your own because it will only infest to a greater extent, and you won't be able to come out the other end unscathed, and that's why you should go and see your doctor.

There is no shame in doing this, and don't be embarrassed being your age, because young age doesn't mean that you are immune from any illness.

I really hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff.

Neil_1 · ‎02-01-2015

Hi there Artscience

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and it’s great that you’ve already received a response from a very good friend on this site, Geoff. I believe Geoff has hit the nail on the head for you with all that he wrote. I’d just like to extend on that with regard to seeing a GP – if you’re unsure about a particular GP, on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of them, that can be searched for. The thing with these GP’s is that they are all experienced in dealing with mental health issues and as a result, you’d be in the very best of hands and after seeing you, they’d be best placed to perhaps refer you to a counselling service (if needed) or perhaps medication (if needed).

I’d also like to say to you that you are “not alone” with the feelings you’re experiencing – so many of us could tick off the symptoms you describe; I certainly can with the feeling of having to be nice, smiley and cheerful, but deep down you’re not and when you get alone, then the real “you” (or me) is revealed. We with depression call it our depression mask that we wear – where we have it on at times when we have too (be it at work, at a social function, school, wherever) and so we mask away our illness from others.

I do hope we can hear back from you Artscience, to see how you’re going of late.

Neil

artscience · ‎04-01-2015

hi Geoff,

Thank you for your advice, i've seen my gp and am currently in between her and a psychologist to try and work it out. i went to work after i wrote my post an thought about what i said and realised that using the word obsessed was the wrong choice, sorry about that. in regards to reading the fanfiction, its like reading your favourite book or watching your favourite movie or tv show (i'm sure we've all been there). yes, most of the time i do like reading it more than going out and seeing others, but it does not my life in the way that i believe obsession or OCD would. it's a happy distraction from the everyday life that i look forward to.

again, thank you very much for your post, i feel a lot better knowing that there is so much support out there.

artscience · ‎04-01-2015

hi Neil1,

i recently replied to Geoffs post (i dont know if people can see that, i have no idea how this site works, apologies.)

i would like to thank you as well for your advice, as i told Geoff, i have seen my gp and am sorting it out with her and a psychologist. i don't believe it will be fully effective, because there is only so much talking and thinking will do.and, of course, there are the good and the bad days. i look forward to getting myself out of the "pit" and trying to drop my mask.

again, thank you very much for your support Neil1.

geoff · ‎05-01-2015

dear AS, thanks for letting us know, as an obsession can be taken as you say, or another example is people have an obsession about what type of coffee they drink, so we can forget about this now and I agree, I won't come to the conclusion about this again, so thank you for raising it.

What I am concerned about is your fear or could I call it social anxiety which a great deal of us have had when in depression, but to counter react this we tend to fake our persu, that is smile when everyone else is smiling, agree with them, because if we disagree and cause an argument then our feelings will be shattered, because we feel as though everyone is taking advantage of us. Geoff.

Neil_1 · ‎05-01-2015

Hi there artscience

Great to hear back from you – and yes, I know what you mean when you have appointments, say with a psyche and yes they are good for a while; but it can get to stages when talking can then just sort of go round and around. Good days and bad days will come – well we hope that good days will come; but being in amongst this kind of situation for so long now, the good days (or even good moments) do come and it’s important to recognise these and to really enjoy them. Because the bad times are still hanging around and are never that far away.

We just have to keep climbing out of the pit as best we can and trying to strive for progress.

Sorry, but of a generalised post there; but it was a bit towards me as well.

And yes, on this site, if you post something, it’ll go up and anyone who goes to that particular thread can read it – which is great because there could be issues that affect others that you may have written about and so they can read them and receive advice as well. It’s an awesome website.

Neil

artscience · ‎06-01-2015

hey guys,

about the social anxiety, i think it's what i've got, i mean, the depression has its good and bad days but i never really knew what the anxiety was until i read a self-help book from one of my favourite you tubers (grace helbig). in it, she discusses her social anxiety and it described a lot of the things i felt about being around people. i knew i felt uncomfortable around groups, social settings, even my own friends and family sometimes.

on my 18th birthday, the family and i went out for dinner at a local restaurant, i felt like i was on the verge of a panic attack on the way there. (though i've never had one, i imagine it was something like what i had?) my heart was pumping really fast, i was sweating and slightly shaking, my breathing was becoming erratic and i was so, so nervous. i wanted to turn right around and go home.

even some conversations (and confrontations) with people at work, same thing, erratic heart beat (feels like the adrenaline rush (the bad one) when someone scares you), hands get shaky and i start to sweat. same as when work calls me, cause i know they are calling to ask me to do a shift and i immediately start having those symptoms when i see the number.

is this what the social anxiety is?

geoff · ‎07-01-2015

dear AS, thanks for getting back to us, you may have already googled this, but have a look at this 'how to deal with social anxiety'.

Social anxiety restricts where we go or who we see but it also could make us clam up on what we have to say, and are very careful what we talk about, and if someone else is very persistent in wanting to know everything about us or any situation, that makes it so much worse.

This happens with me as I have a sister in law and sister who asks me every question she can and even before I finish answering the previous one, so I don't go now to most family venues, plus I'm a couple of hours away from them all. Geoff.