I'm 20 and feel 45

[Rosie19]

Hi everyone,

I'm posting today mostly to get some things off of my chest to a third party, I have opened up partially to my family but I think now it's time for someone not directly involved to hear my thoughts.

I have been feeling very up and down the past 6 months or so. Some days I will be really positive and happy, and others nothing will be able to cheer me up. I'm working a lot this summer while on a break from Uni, plus I am basically running my household. Mum works 6 days a week, is unhealthy and unfit and I'm worried for her health. She won't change no matter how many times I've tried. She comes home, lies on the couch and I end up cooking tea most nights. My brother helps out, but he's in his own little world. My partner is supportive but makes matters worse when he gets angry at my family for doing this to me and then upsets me because I hate him being mean towards them when I know they don't realise the stress I am under. I do the grocery shopping, I organize vet appointments, I pay for food, come home to a messy house everyday (before I clean it) and cook 6 days out of 7. I am trying to keep everyone happy and I am suffering because of it. Mum thanks me for the work I do, I know she doesn't mean to put this on me. When she talks about her work all I can think of is that I don't care. I don't care, why can't you change it?

I feel isolated from everyone around me, yes I have my family but I have no close friends that I see regularly. I feel like I am angry all the time, always at my Mum and brother and I hate feeling so negative every second of the day. 

Throw in trying to be healthy and fit into the mix and it becomes a real challenge.

Some days I just cry and become so overwhelmed, I take it out on my partner who doesn't deserve it at all. Little things seem to stress me and I miss the happy and positive person I used to be. I'm 20 years old, I should be having the best times of my life. And I'm really not.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it's hard to change a family member and those around me, but if anyone has any suggestions or thoughts, please let me know. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Rosie

Thank you for telling us your story. The thing that jumps out at me is that you are trying to take responsibility for everyone else. This just does not work. Yes your mom is working hard and she will continue to do so while you prop her up and the rest of the family. Her work and health plus her responsibilities are her own, not yours.

Who else is contributing to the household expenses. Your break from uni is for your benefit and the wages you earn will presumably be used for next year at uni. Not spend them on the family who can probably afford their own groceries.

It's time to set the boundaries.  It's no good expecting your family to reform just because you want to have a break from all the work. Decide what is reasonable and proper for you to do. For example, I will cook the evening meal twice a week and wash up afterwards. I will keep my room tidy and not leave 'stuff' around the house, but everyone must put away their own 'things'. State that you will not be tidying up after them.

Divide the chores between everyone and only do your share. It will be hard to see the house get untidy except for your part, but no one will do anything until you stop. If you decide to do the shopping, then make sure you get an agreed amount from everyone else first instead of providing them with free food.

These are just suggestions and I know they will be hard to carry out. You have carried the family for too long for them to want to do anything in return and they will get cranky. Ask your boyfriend to support you in this.

If your mom is unwell, talk to your GP about this and ask how you can get mom to see a doctor. Explain how worried you are and that it is affecting your health. Possibly the GP can arrange a home visit. But again, it is your mom's responsibility to take charge of her own health. You know the saying about leading a horse to water.

You say your mom doesn't mean to put this on you, but the reality is that she is happy to continue to do so as she makes no effort to change the situation. You say it's hard to change people. It's impossible to change people. The only way people change is when they want to and are prepared to do it themselves. You need to care for yourself. I expect you are throwing up your hands in horror at the thought of being "selfish". It's not selfish, it's vital for your own well-being.

Almost out of word allowance so it's time to stop. Please write in again.

Regards

Mary

[Rosie19]

Dear Mary,

 Thank you so much for your detailed reply- I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. My partner helps out with buying some things for the house (which is well above what I expect of him anyway), my brother contributes nothing and Mum does contribute a lot as well. I guess I have gotten into these habits of buying things for the house, including groceries, because it is easier than asking Mum to get it for me and I don't want to burden her. But you are right. I know that I have to be more selfish when it comes to these things. 

I already feel better after your response. I guess I never thought about only doing jobs that directly affect me. I think I have been caught up trying to make the house perfect 100% of the time- it's just not realistic. 

I do worry a lot about my Mum, but as you said, it is her concern and if she doesn't want to change I can't do it for her. I will go to our GP and see what he says. 

You are absolutely right when you say that the reality is that she is happy to continue with the way things are. It's all become so much of a habit now that no one is saying anything. But I know that now it is time that I do. 

My partner always says to me that I worry too much about other people, which then makes me worse off. It's definitely true. The only things we truly fight about are my family. He sees everything I do as well and tries to fix it, however coming from someone who doesn't live in the house per se is a little bit offensive to my Mum, I think.

Thank you so much for your reply. I am going to initiate some changes to the household chores, and worry less about other people. As you said, it is impossible to change people, so I know now that I need to focus on myself and my life. My Mum and Dad separated 10 years ago, and she is still bitter and angry about it all. I don't want her to be like this and stuck in this life trap that she is in, but at the end of the day it is her decision to change. I will talk to my GP about it, and in the meantime stress less and focus on changing my mindset.

Thank you.

Rosie

[White_Rose]

Dear Rosie

I am pleased that I was able to help. I'm sure that once the family start to accept their own responsibilities life will be more comfortable for you and everyone else.

Please do not think of yourself as being more selfish. There is a world of difference between those who are selfish and think only of themselves, without any care or concern for others, and those who recognise their own needs are as important as others. Helping others is great and often satisfying. Taking responsibility for them  leads to the sort of stress you have been experiencing.

I would love to keep in contact with you. Remember people on this site are here to support you as much as possible.

Good luck

Mary

[geoff]

dear Rosie, thanks so much for posting to us, and Mary has given you a terrific reply and pretty well covered everything, and what I can say which is no different to what Mary has said, is that the amount of work and responsibility undertaken by yourself is far too much.

OK your mother appreciates what you do, but your brother expects it to be done and also doesn't contribute, well a tin of bake beans for him to eat, or perhaps a packet of noodles, maybe I'm being mean, but I did this once when I had a boarder, who always complained.

Rosie you have your own life to lead, and I know that you know this, it's called 'give and take', you have a boyfriend and I'm sure that there are times you want together rather wiping the sweat from your eyebrow.

A roster can be used which may struggle in the beginning and may annoy you, but it's part of making it better for.

You are a lovely person too good to be stuck at home doing housework. L Geoff. x

[Rosie19]

Dear Mary and Geoff,

I can't thank you both enough for your kind words and advice. I think I was letting all of this get the better of me, when you're right- I have my own life to lead. It's taken up until now to really realise this!

i have a holiday at the end of the month which will be a wonderful getaway for me, so I can't wait to go with my partner. 

And I think the tin of baked beans idea is a good one, Geoff! Definitely makes my life easier!

I thank you both again, and when I feel overwhelmed I will remember your words. It's incredible what a few lines of support can do.

Have a great week, and thank you. 

Rosie