I would like to get better but unsure how to start

[PotatoFields]

Hi all, I'm brand new here I think I'm at the point where my life can't continue on this way. I've come to realise, I need major help.

I get these strange swings of extreme sadness and then just a high (like when you have too much sugar). When I sink into the depressive episodes, I tend to tell myself that I'm

useless, that I'm unloveable and stupid, in general just a lot of horrible things. I cry myself to sleep because I' m so afraid of dying or people I love dying. A lot of the time, I feel like there's just this big gaping hole within me and I feel so very lonely. My mother, was not what you would call the nicest mother.I know she loves me a lot but she would threaten to throw me out of the house, to disown me , and to not recognise me as a daughter if I did not succeed in school but then she would turn around and encourage me to follow my dreams and say that it didn't matter if I fail. I'm really confused because she just says and does such contradictory things. Ever since I can remember, when I make a mistake or forget something, my mother would call me useless or say that nobody could love me. When I broke my leg, I was in so much pain and so scared but all she could do was scold me endlessly and say I was stupid and useless. Whenever we 'discuss' things like sexuality or mental health, we get into horrible fights. My parents both believe that Depression is not a real issue, that you can overcome it really easily by NOT LETTING YOURSELF GET DEPRESSED.

I've often wanted to go to a councillor to just ... sort my life out but with my parents around, it's not possible. Even if I become a legal adult, I would still have to hide the fact I go to a councillor from my parents. For quite some time,I've come to accept hat I'm bisexual however

I' m scared to death about both my parents finding out. They're both extremely homophobic and just, they've said that they would jump off a building or simply that "there's no way any daughter of mine would be ... you know (gay)". I feel like I have no motivation, no energy constantly and acting 'normal' is exhausting. Sometimes I get a day or a few days where everything seems alright but then my problems just come back.

I really just want to get better and live my life fully

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[geoff]

dear PotatoFields, do you mind if I can abbreviate your user name to PF, and thank you so much for posting your comment, and I'd like to welcome you to this site.

Your first statement you make is ' I've come to realise, I need major help', well you now realise the most important factor which is what is needed to accept the fact you need help, so that's a great start..

It hasn't been a great start to begin with, as your mother changes her mind, from one extreme to the other, so she herself has issues as well that need to helped with, but it's not her we are now talking about, it's you.

When you have a terrible incident like breaking your leg you only expect that your parents are only too willing to help you as much as possible, but this was far from being, just as your need to discuss all the aspects of sexuality, and their attitude of mental health believing that's it's something that you yourself can avoid or at least overcome stop, is so far from the truth it would be very difficult to change their minds.

I presume that your not an adult as yet, and I haven't put any main issue on the fact that your bisexual, because on this site it doesn't matter one bit what sexuality anyone is, so you being bisexual is of no concern to us, but what does worry us is your parents finding out.

There is a way to, well, sort of overcome this, and I'm not sure whether your a female/male, but I think you're a female so let's take it that way, and sorry if I'm wrong, anyway just bring home the opposite

sex, but even so your parents may still complain about this person, because they have a closed mind on everything, that is only accept what they feel is right.

Now I'm running out of characters so I had better make it snappy.

You need to see  your doctor, which would be kept confidential between you and him/her, because you don't want your parents finding out.

I had better finish before I am cut off, but would appreciate to hear back from you, and there will be others who will reply, take care. Geoff.

[PotatoFields]

Hi Geoff, thank you so much for replying (and I don't mind the abbreviation at all)

I'm not an adult yet, I'm 17 and I've got 9 months left until I'm of age and I'm female.
I'd love to see a gp who'd try to help me but my current gp is a close family friend (like she comes over for dinner and everything) and she tells my parents everything. 

I'm hoping, once I move out of home and start uni that I can start to see a councillor or find a new GP but I'm deathly afraid that the stress of the HSC is going to be the thing that pushes me over the edge

[geoff]

dear PF, I really appreciate it when people reply back to a reply comment that we have made.

OK est not to use this doctor, so click under ''Get Support' at the top of this page where it says 'Find Professional' where there will be a list of doctors who are aligned to BB and deal with all types of depression and this includes gay and bi as you see down below, alternatively ring the 24/7 phone number 1300224636 or perhaps the web chat number.

Can I emphasis that the people you talk to are trained counsellors, so please don't feel guilty or ashamed, because what you are experiencing is nothing new, and you certain;y wouldn't be the first person to contact them.

Your only 3 months yeh from becoming an adult, so whether you move in with someone you know or want to rent a place on your own there are a couple of things you need to do, firstly I maybe pontificating, but anyway, if you are on some sort of centrelink benefit then you can apply for rent assistance, plus you can get your bond money from them, which will help you a great deal.

You will also need a couple of references and your current doctor would be ideal, and one or two other professional people who you visit, dentist etc.

I would also be looking at the papers for flats, where they are and how much rent, but we can discuss this when you reply or any questions you may have, so don't be scared to ask I have thick skin. lol Geoff. x

[PotatoFields]

Thank you, I'll look into a new GP. and thank you for all the information about apartments. A good friend of mine who's looking to escape a similar situation would love this info. This is kind of awkward but I uh already have an apartment. I'm really hoping to go to uni in Melbourne so I'll be away from my parents anyways.