I'm Scared

[Mr_Random]

I'm an 18 year old male who has almost finished school. I have never had a girlfriend which is not a problem at the moment but what is a problem is i'm worried that being as unattractive as I am I just never will be able to get one. I am not hugely deformed or anything but I lack features that make men attractive. I have a very small chin and my eyebrows are too high. I am worried that being less attractive than the average person will mean that I only meet a small amount of people in my life that i'm good enough for and its unlikely that any of them will happen to be people that I have anything in common with other than physical unattractiveness. I don't really know what anyone can say to help but if anyone wants to try and say something to cheer me up I would appreciate it.

[Zeal]

Hi Mr Random,

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks for your post! Good on you for finishing school (well, you will soon!). Year 12 can be tough, but it is worth it. Do you have anything in particular you'd like to do next year?

I'm glad you recognize that not having had a girlfriend in high school is completely fine. I didn't have my first date until I was 19, and didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21. I am now 23 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (second ever) for just over a year. We are really close and love each other a lot. At your age, I never thought I would be able to find someone who loved me. I had low self-esteem until I was almost 20, despite people being kind to me and having the support of family and a few close friends.

We are often our own harshest critic. I am hard on myself too, though I thankfully don't have low-esteem or low confidence now. In my teens I did though. When you first start dating someone/start a relationship, the physical attraction isn't necessarily high at the start. Falling in love often makes you perceive your partner as more attractive. I read this somewhere. I actually perceived my boyfriend as more attractive once I'd fallen in love with him, and this increased the physical attraction I felt towards him. Some people find their partner very attractive before they even enter a relationship. It depends on the person. ​

Women may be initially attracted to good-looking or well-presented men, but if they discover that an attractive man has a not-so-good personality, that will usually override their looks. I know "less attractive" people who have amazing personalities, perhaps in part because they haven't relied on their appearance so much.
Write down or type all the things you like about yourself, what others seem to like about you, and compliments people give you. These can be things such as "I'm a good friend" or "I have a good sense of humour". Keep this, and maybe you can keep adding to it! This may sound corny, but it can make you feel good.

I hope something I said has been useful 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[james1]

Hi Mr Random,

I'm 24 and I've also struggled a bit with feeling unattractive and undesireable.

That said, I've had two wonderful relationships now and both came from friendships that grew, because with my looks, I'm not going to be going around sweeping random girls off their feet. But I don't see that as a problem, and I prefer that familiarity of getting to know someone first.

From my own experience, these things come when you least expect it. So take the time to look after yourself and surround yourself with people who make you feel good and happy. After all, one of the most attractive things in a person is their attitude to life. What hobbies and activities do you enjoy? Have you joined any groups based around these?

I'd also suggest you have a look at the thread called "Feel unattractive because I'm short" in the Relationships board. There's some good advice in there too.

While it's true that looks do contribute to making a good first impression, frankly, you don't want to be going out with someone who relies completely on looks anyway. So there's no loss there!

I hope that gives you comfort and strength to focus on your own passions. Let yourself do that, and someone will want to go out with you for who you are.

James

[Narniakid]

Hey Mr Random, welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to us.

Firstly well done on getting to the end of year 12. High school can be extremely stressful both academically and socially, and just getting to the end of it is a huge achievement in itself.

Like yourself and the other commenters, I've also struggled with feeling unwanted and unattractive. I was in a social group at school where most of my best friends were desirable and all the boys wanted them, except for me. I felt like a reject, I felt like I was worthless and repulsive, and I was so desperate to just be wanted by someone, anyone. I felt like I had failed as a girl because I didn't get my first kiss until I had finished school.

Of course, I didn't realise it then but I'm glad I stuck it out and waited until the right person came along - who, by the way, came along when I had given up all hope of ever having a partner. The problem with school and dating and relationships is that quite often you've all known each other for too long, you're all spending 10 hours a day, 5 days a week together, and factors like ego, what friends think and immaturity all contribute to whether or not someone wants to go out with you.

I know it's difficult now, but I can assure you that you are definitely not undesirable, and one day someone will be aching to date you.

Crystal

[Mr_Random]

Thanks, i'll definitely try that