i keep crying

[heyheyhey]

Hey! I'm new to this and just needed some advice.

Up until the start of last year I was always a very optimistic, care free person. Anything could have happened and I would've been able to pick myself back up again. But for a couple of months last year and a few months this year this hasn't been the case. I just don't feel me. I find myself in bed more than I'm with friends, at uni or working. I feel like I'm pathetic, like everyone else around me is achieving these amazing goals while the only changes in my life are bad ones. I find myself on the verge of tears at any given moment, I'll cry while I'm out with friends and am unable to stop myself. Sometimes I think that seeing my friends is pointless because I'm just pretending to be happy when I'm not. I'm worried about the future and put things off because I don't want to deal with it. I am dissatisfied with where I'm at in my life. Overall I just feel this sad sort of feeling and I just want to hear any advice or experience you guys may have with this xx

[Quercus]

Hello heyheyhey and welcome to the forums.

Your post made me think a lot. I remembered feeling very similar at uni. Empty. Pretending. If it's ok I want to share a story I had forgotten. I hope you can learn from it even if I didn't.

The end of uni was a time I was meant to be happy. I'd given the abusive boyfriend the flick. It was supposed to be a fresh start. But I would cry all the time.

I threw myself into uni and having fun to make up for lost time. Learned to cry in private. I surrounded myself with people. Kept busy. And buried the hurt down until I could pretend I was crying because I was tired or stressed about exams or homesick and believe it myself.

I remember going to a doctor at uni because I felt sick to my stomach all the time. Irritable bowel (IBS) had been suggested previously. Curious that these symptoms began as I buried the hurt. The crying was worse. I blamed the IBS and saw the GP. He was a good one.

Many hard questions later I broke down into those hysterical kind of tears where you can't speak. And he waited then said very quietly, you are extremely depressed and I want to give you medication to help. Then we'll discuss therapy. I cried and said I would think about it. He made me promise to return in a few days.

I didn't return. The clinic kept calling so I changed my number. They gave up so I figured no big deal. The idea of medication felt like admitting defeat. No way. I just wasn't trying hard enough. So I buried the hurt deeper. And threw myself even more into friends and fun and in hindsight a hell of a lot of booze.

Eventually I thought I felt ok. I could feel happy. I got used to smiling automatically. It's normal to feel so sad. It's normal to be anxious. That pain in my tummy is just there. I'm always tired. That's just me ok.

It was BS.

So what I want you to know is how you're feeling... That's not ok.

If you haven't already give the K10 checklist a go on the BB website and print out the result. Book a long appointment with your GP and just say how you feel. Or print your post. And most of all... Take your health seriously please. If the GP suggests changes please keep an open mind.

I may have waited needlessly to get help but I wish for better for you.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Heyheyhey

Welcome to the forum. Good to see you are asking for advice.

Nat has told you of her journey and how it has hindered her wellness. I do admire her for being so open, but that Nat's way. No messing about, straight to the point. Please take her story seriously and see your GP.

Depression is called the black dog and sometimes the dog pays someone a visit. No particular reason, just to see how much it can mess up your life. Well that's how it feels. One thing I have learned is to ask for help and to let someone help me. I hope you will ask for help and see your GP. Your uni probably has a counsellor so you could go there. Worth a try.

Have a look at your workload. Uni plus work plus socialising is a large load. Not impossible as many other students can testify. I went to uni as a mature age student and studied part time. Took five years to gain my degree instead of the three for full time students. I was working full time and had a family to care for. By the time I got to the end of each year I was exhausted and took the next couple of months to be ready to start again.

One of the nastiest aspects of depression is losing our self confidence. We come to believe we are a waste of space and do deserve to have family and friends who care about us. We also downplay our good attributes and concentrate on what we think we do wrong. Have a look around this website, starting with The Facts at the top of the pager. You will find heaps of information about anxiety and depression. This is where you can access the K10 checklist mentioned by Nat.

As an exercise in reality can you write down all the good things in your life both past and present. Also the good parts of your personality. You have started this list already in your post.

I was always a very optimistic, care free person. Anything could have happened and I would've been able to pick myself back up again.

I do not think you have lost this. It takes many years to become a totally different person. So start your list with

1. I am optimistic and carefree.
2. I am resilient.

Now go on from there. Please keep in touch with us.

Mary