I JUST DON'T KNOW

[bdavi310]

My names Blake and im 19 years old.

Why do I feel so distant... its like the whole world is rushing around me and im just not going anywhere, time just slips by... Everyday i wake up feeling the same, just down and not happy to be doing anything... I used to love my job and look forward to going to work and seeing the people i work with but now i couldnt care less if i saw them or not, i hate my job now i used to be okay at it now im just failing and i feel so hopeless.. all the things i once enjoyed have become something i dont even think about anymore. sleep just isnt something i can get either, why have i changed so much i hate feeling like this i feel as if i bring the people around me down, because of this my life just isnt what it used to be. This is the first time i've ever spoken out about this and its been going on for quite a while.. i guess i have wanted to talk about it but its so hard to just let it out and i dont know where to begin or who to talk to, i dont know i guess im way to scared of what people might say or think so i just keep it to myself.

im sorry for the crap punctuation and wording...

[bdavi310]

Hey Paul,

Me listening to what you have to say is not a problem to me because it helps, you but my feelings into words that I could have never described properly.

The hardest part would have to be bringing the conversation up and what they might think and even what they're reaction might be or if they even really care to listen..

The person I trust most would have to be my father for sure..

To be honest I don't really know what "sort" of help I want. I just came across this forum and saw posts of people expressing they're feelings and actually getting a positive response from people with no judgment or hate whatsoever, I guess just saying how I'm feeling and getting a response from someone like yourself who struggles with the same feelings kinda helps, puts a thought inside my head that it's possible to get through it one day..

[bdavi310]

I guess even a place like this doesn't always care about everyone... Someone's gotta be pushed aside for others who deserve it more.

[bonnylass]

How are you today ...... life can be so hard xxx thinking of you

[Paul]

Hey Blake, It's been a while. I apologise for the lack of response. I've been a bit up and down myself.

My difficulty at the moment is that at work I just want someone to care about what I do. I'm a highly specialised IT admin/engineer and at the moment it feel like no one really gives a toss.

I got the same feeling from your previous post. Feeling like we do can be isolating, even when we go out of our way to try and please people, and it isn't returned it feels like crap.

How have you been and what's been happening?

Paul

[bdavi310]

Hey Paul, yeah it's been awhile.. Not much has changed.. I sustained an injury at work so I had to take time off and that means I couldn't go to training so things kinda just got worse, it was my first day back at work today and it felt good to be doing something but as you said never appreciated.. I also got back to training again, it's a good feeling having those gloves on my hands and Gi on my back, it makes me feel like I'm apart of something big, things are better when I'm there, everyone's always nice to me and telling me they have my back and will always help when needed, the confidence mixed martial arts and Brazilian jui jitsu is amazing, I can walk down the street with my girl knowing her and I are safe because of me, it keeps me focused on more positive things.. It's given me something to fight for.. Ironic I know

[Paul]

Hey Blake,

Sorry to hear about the injury at work, I hope things are back to normal now and nothing was damaged long term. My Brother does Martial Arts and he too loves to put on his Gi and feel the freedom and challenge. He unfortunately damaged his knee when going for his first Dan, He got it, but weeks of pain and 4 misdiagnoses later he had a knee reconstruction. Luckily he is almost back to normal and he and his son are back into it.

hey last time I recall you were having a lot of conflicting emotions and some doubts about your girl and your siblings. I got the feeling you have a lot of responsibility on you to protect them - do you want to talk about that? I'm interested in where that pressure is coming from.

Glad you survived your first day back at work mate.

Chat soon.

Paul

[bdavi310]

Hey Paul,

A lot of respect goes out to your brother for that dedication when all odds were against him.

I don't mind talking about my girl and siblings, my girl and I are abit weird with each other at the moment.. We always get through whatever it is but doesn't mean I like going through it, it's a touchy subject when I talk about my girl because she's very special to me and people will most likely say the wrong thing and I don't like that at all it makes me extremely angry. With my siblings, all 3 are younger the oldest being a decade younger then me (I'm 19 years old). My dads always at work so it's just my step mum and the kids at home usually and I make as much time for them as I can but its never enough, they don't listen to they're mum only to me and that can be really frustrating because as soon as I walk in the door my step mum is in my face saying she did this or he's done that can you sort them out, I don't mind helping but let me get both my feet through the door before you're on my case.. I just want to be alone sometimes and for my situation that's practically impossible....

[Paul]

Hey Blake,

Great to hear from you again, sorry that things are weird at the moment. What sort of things do people say to you about your girl that make you really angry?

Your step mum seems to put a lot of responsibility on you to discipline the kids that's a tough situation to be in. Have you said anything to her or your dad? It seems like she is expecting you to be both mother and father to your siblings - I wonder what sort of impact that has on how you feel.

Take Care,

Paul

[bdavi310]

Hey Paul,

i think we will leave the girlfriend part out of this, but yes I have spoken to them both and they have both said its called stepping up and being a big brother, there's not much I can say to them when they say that, don't get me wrong il always look after the kids as best I can but, my big sister had the same problem until she moved out, I've spoken to people about this situation before and all they say is move out, but they don't understand the situation enough, my step mum does look after them but she can be extremely lazy and has one tone with them which is why I think they don't listen.. Saying yes to the kids isn't a bad thing she's just too lazy to do something they want to do... It can be stressful at times but I don't think it would be enough to bring me down like this, I'm getting better though, the more I progress in training the better I get at everything, I have something to work for and out alot of time and effort into which is good for me because I like to keep busy

[Paul]

Hey Blake,

If you've read any of my other posts to folks on the forums you'll probably notice a theme. Multiple approaches to getting well. You see it's not fun, as you know, to feel like crap, especially if it causes you to yell out "I just don't know what to do". Some of the pressures at home seem to contribute and there might be other factors involved in how you feel.

I'm really glad you have training, and also have reached out here. That's two approaches to getting well and feeling better. I wonder if it's time to add another approach and visit a counsellor or GP to answer all the questions you had in your original post.

Of course chatting here is absolutely fine as well, it's just great to add another method of attacking how you feel so that you can be back to the person you remember you were.

What are your thoughts?

Paul