I JUST DON'T KNOW

[bdavi310]

My names Blake and im 19 years old.

Why do I feel so distant... its like the whole world is rushing around me and im just not going anywhere, time just slips by... Everyday i wake up feeling the same, just down and not happy to be doing anything... I used to love my job and look forward to going to work and seeing the people i work with but now i couldnt care less if i saw them or not, i hate my job now i used to be okay at it now im just failing and i feel so hopeless.. all the things i once enjoyed have become something i dont even think about anymore. sleep just isnt something i can get either, why have i changed so much i hate feeling like this i feel as if i bring the people around me down, because of this my life just isnt what it used to be. This is the first time i've ever spoken out about this and its been going on for quite a while.. i guess i have wanted to talk about it but its so hard to just let it out and i dont know where to begin or who to talk to, i dont know i guess im way to scared of what people might say or think so i just keep it to myself.

im sorry for the crap punctuation and wording...

[Paul]

Hey Blake,

Welcome to Beyondblue forums. This is a place where you can feel safe to talk about how you're feeling because most of us have felt like you do. I'm sorry it's so difficult at the moment mate, things will get better now you've reached out. Punctuation and wording were great, definitely no need to be sorry there.

Let's see if I read your post right. You're not feeling happy about doing anything, especially your job that you used to love. Same with your colleagues. (I want to make some of my colleagues disappear too). The love you had for your job is now hate. You're feeling hopeless and the things you used to enjoy have disappeared. Sleep has changed and none of these feelings make sense. You feel like you bring the people around you down. The whole lot is different.

I'm really glad you let all that out because I can relate to all of the things you describe. When I'm feeling down I don't find pleasure in anything I used to, I have to opposite I sleep a lot, I feel guilty for calling friends and asking for help, my job becomes difficult because I love it so much but at times it just feels like a shitty old job. Oh and my colleagues irritate the hell out of me.

Sound familiar?

Looks like we share some common feelings - the good thing is that we can start to get you some help.

You don't need to tell anyone just yet - I reckon keep telling us on here for now until things start to make more sense. If these feeling are like mine, they zap your energy and your ability to explain them becomes almost impossible.

if you've read any of my other posts you'll probably see a theme. I recommend that for these sort of feelings there is a multiple angle approach. You've started one of the angles here by contacting us. I'd really like you to stay in touch with us and let us know how you feel as you take the next steps.

A really important angle is to visit your GP. If you think you'll find it hard to talk when you are there, print what you have written above and take it with you. I've done that in the past it really helps.

And other angles are making sure you are eating well and good quality food, get a bit of exercise or go for a walk.

I've written above that you don't need to tell anyone just yet (with the exception of your Dr and us here) When you feel ready and you talk about how you feel, you'll find your mood increases the more you talk or write.

Will you visit your GP for us Blake and come back and let us know how it goes?

Paul

Paul

[Neil_1]

Hi there Blake,

Like Paul, I too would like to welcome you.

I can’t really add to much more to what Paul has already responded to you with, as he has pretty much nailed a great response for you.

A visit to your GP sounds like a very good step to take – and hey, you’ve already reached out by coming here – the next reach out and positive step would be to seek out some professional (GP) assistance.

Sleep is a biggie as well – cause if you’re unable to get a reasonable amount, then you kind of start each day a little behind, as you struggle and the lack of sleep can really add to stressors.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[bdavi310]

Thank you for the response Paul, I guess I could say it helps having the knowledge that someone else feels like this, makes me feel less abnormal... Everything you said was spot on how I'm feeling and thinking. I don't know about the gp just yet... I've tried telling family and even my girlfriend and best mate but I get all choked up and I can't look them in the eye so I just give up on the attempt... It makes me feel so useless because I'm suppose to be strong and be there for my girl, I am always there for her but I feel so weak and useless when I try and help..

It may sound so stupid but it feels as if this is like a shadow that follows me around and just won't let go, I'm not always down but it is most of the time.. I have younger siblings who look up to me which I try and set a good example for them but I just know that they can see I'm not a very happy person and I can hear them always ask my dad why I'm always sad and it's heartbreaking.. I can't control my moods it just sneaks up on me.

like right now I feel like such a coward because I can only talk about my feelings to people I don't personally know and hiding behind a screen...

[bdavi310]

Thank you Neil, sleep is a big struggle for me as I have to be up at 2:30am every morning for work, I work for my dad so I don't want to ask to start later because he's always been a hard worker and I don't want to let him down as Iv always done..

[Paul]

Hey again Blake,

Awesome to hear from you again. I hear you on feeling like you need to be strong for others, especially those who look up to you.

The weird thing about telling people is that you need to have told yourself first - that sounds really stupid but hear me out. To tell yourself something, you've got to believe it or you just think it's rubbish. To believe something you tell yourself you have to have the energy to understand and really take in what's going on. The thing that sucks about all of this is feeling the way we do can rob us of the ability to hear ourselves. We want to tell ourselves we are strong, we want to tell ourselves we SHOULD be OK for our beautiful siblings and of course we REALLY want to be a source of inspiration and love for our partner - your amazing girlfriend. All of those things are normal and usually enter our minds without a second thought. When we're feeling down it just doesn't work, it's like our brain has run out of energy and the shadow that follows us around is stealing the emotional energy away.

This becomes like a circle. We can't tell people we love because we don't have the energy and we can't get the energy from people we love and around and around we go. What a shitty ride. Coming here to talk to us is amazingly good.

Please remember that to get ride of the shadow that follows you around, the more angles of attack the better.

I'm a brother to a beautiful woman who is 7 years younger. I'm an uncle to her son who is 4. I SHOULD be there all the time.

I'm a brother to an awesome guy who is 2 years older and his wife and their son who is 6. I SHOULD be there all the time.

Fact of the matter is that sometimes I can't be. I just can't, even though my nephews ask when I am going to visit. It adds to my pain and feeling of hopelessness that I SHOULD be there for them because I'm an awesome uncle and am used to giving and want to make people happy.

Many years ago I called my little sister in tears and told her all about what was going on. I was thinking of some serious things. She cried and begged me to see my Dr. I had to muster up the courage and do it. From there things started to get better.

So it's definitely not a sign of weakness or not being there for someone. It's something you didn't choose to feel and for that there's no blame. There simply can't be - it makes no sense!

Continue building your energy by using the multiple angles and please consider visiting your Dr even though it's scary.

Paul

[bdavi310]

Thanks again Paul, your putting words to feelings that I just can't describe the way I want to. I hear you on the circle, it's like a vicious cycle around and around in my head and it's like I'm stuck there, inside my own head.. It's makes me feel like listening to my own thoughts is a dangerous thing. I've never been too big on confidence but it's something I could work on, the thing is going to my doctor I don't know what to say, when I describe things I feel like I describe them wrong and he gets the wrong idea or the fact that he's heard this all the time and couldn't careless I'm just another customer.. You seem like such a positive person Paul how do you do it so well..

I hate putting my problems onto people I'd rather keep them happy by keeping it to myself, sometimes it's just too much to handle and I get so angry at myself for not being able to explain it to people and then il be sad and keep asking myself why would I wanna tell anyone anyway... Another vicious cycle...

[Paul]

Hey Blake,

Great to hear from you again. I get the feeling you've been thinking a lot about our chat on here. Sometimes it's difficult and even confronting to discover the words that describe how we feel. Something that helps me is to think that they are only words and phrases. They are there to help me express how I feel and they can't hurt me.

many of us find it hard to describe the feelings that we have, especially when we feel judged and surprisingly Even when we feel really comfortable and someone is a source of help.

Regarding seeing a Dr and feeling like they have heard this all before is likely right. There are many of us who have had to go to our Dr and tell them how we feel with that fear all over us that makes us want to vomit. I reckon you write how you feel extremely well in your posts. Perhaps you could print them and take them to read to your Dr or even ask your Dr to read them. I think that huge fear might get tamed a bit that way.

You asked how I remain so positive. Sometimes I have shitty days too, but overall I've used the multiple angle approach that I may have mentioned and i am also seeking treatment with a psychiatrist. I chose my psychiatrist because i am on medication and he can closely monitor that as psychiatrists ate medical doctors who specialise in mental wellness. My"psych" is taking me through psychotherapy so in that alone i have two angles of treatment.

Take care Blake

Chat soon.

Paul

[bdavi310]

Il print out the things ive said to you but i cant guarantee il go see a doctor, if i cant talk to the people i love how am i suppose to tell someone ive never met even though ive done it on here but its different when i can hide myself... I noticed something today aswell, I cant trust anyone anymore, even the people i used to trust there words mean nothing to me, my girlfriend always tells me how much she loves me but i dont believe her nor do i believe anything anyone says... its so frustrating, why am i changing so much for the worst.

[Paul]

Hey Blake.

This must be frustrating and frightening and not making sense.

The horrible part about having these feelings is they can play tricks on your mind. You may have discovered or will soon discover that you felt a c particular way or maintained a particular thought then a few days later upon reflecting on it, it's difficult to know how you arrived at the thought or how hot could feel like that.

You see feeling like you do makes your thoughts and feelings all warpy and most of the time very untrue.

I can understand the hesitation you have in seeing a Dr. If i read you right, how could you tell a stranger your secrets and your feelings when you can't even tell those you love? Feeling like this drags along guilt and humiliation and even a thought of being a fake. How can i feel genuine telling some stranger. Mind says fake. It really sucks Blake. I'm not pushing you to see a Dr but i am trying to show you that I know thoughts get all out of order, stuffed up, guilty, phony and upsetting.

I know I've done a lot of talking and I really want to thank you for listening.

Can I ask a few questions now?

What's the hardest part of telling people how you're feeling?

Who is the person who you trust the most to tell everything to?

How would you like us to help you here on beyond blue forums? (We're here to help and sometimes it helps me stop rambling on and listen if i know exactly what sort of help you'd like)

Please keep holding on Blake. Let's keep talking and kick this thing in the arse!

Paul