I hate myself

yesse · ‎29-05-2014

ive had depression for many years now at first due to bullying and more recently due to the loss of my mother. Over the years i have come to hate myself. Everything i do or say i regret. This might be because i failed school, blaming myself for my mother leaving me or the fact that that this depression cripples me and i know that all im doing is feeling sorry for myself and i hate it.

Either way all i want, i hope for is a connection. Id take any type of connection. Obviously id prefer one with a girl as its easier to talk about deep stuff like this rather then with "the boys", but basically why i started this thread was to ask this

How can you develop a connection when you hate yourself?

People say that to attract people you have to be confident in yourself and have the same type of energy they want to be around. Which is usually happy, enthusiastic, fun etc. And when i have my low days which outnumber the high days by far how am i suppose to give off this aura which any person would be attracted too. Obviously i use a facade like most people do with depression do with their friends and social life, but when i mean a connection im talking about a true one where your on the same page as the other person.

There is a lot more depth to my story but i dont want my whinging to bore people and take away from my initial idea of how it is possible to develop a deep connection when you dont like yourself at all.

Thanks for reading.

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I hate myself

Mares73 · ‎29-05-2014

Dear Yesse firstly welcome to Beyond Blue. Personally I have found it to be the most incredible support service & whenever I'm asked if I have support-my answer is Beyond Blue. I hope the many caring, compassionate people here will help guide you & provide you with friendship & understanding. Now your main question concerns how to develop a deep connection with someone when you hate yourself. Yesse-i have hated myself for a long time, had low confidence, am a people pleaser & at the core don't believe I deserve anything. Your similar feelings about yourself are what need to be worked through before you have any meaningful relationship. Because if you don't feel your worthy then you will accept anything & that may be much lower than what you deserve. Are you taking antidepressants & do you see a professional? There is a list of GAS on this site that are highly trained in mental health-id suggest having a look & going & talking to one. You can also get 10 sessions under Medicare to see a Pyschologist. Your self image is the issue you need to address. You can for relationships with people despite your self hate but in such relationships you won't feel equal-youll tend to blame yourself for things. Having said that there are many people who will love & accept you as you are-i don't know how you are going in terms of meeting someone? It would be great to hear back from you & talk more. Love Mares x

white knight · ‎29-05-2014

Hi Yesse, welcome also.

Mare's made some beaut points. Especially contacts you can make here at BB that I'm not drummed up on.

I'd like to know why you hate yourself? You touched on one thing- that everything you say and do is wrong. I'd suggest you might lack experience but I'm guessing. Confidence is a bugger!! It really only comes from experience and that means making mistakes, paying the price for them over and over again. It's infuriating. It also can come from personality. We've read many posts here of how some school teens are in the core of a group, really popular but the one without confidence is on the fringe and likely will stay there.

So what can you do? Well once I actually looked in a mirror after my marriage of 11 years fell apart and said "you are a good man Tony, you dont deserve such treatment, you are worthy of a good life with a good woman." Sounds silly eh, it worked. Self priming of yourself is critical to overcome this hatred you mention, along with other things like firstly a trip to your GP and that could lead to approapriate counselling and so on. Counselling is great because these trained itnerviewers can pick the slightest hint of origin of a problem. I had a psych nurse once and she believed I had other issues other than depression and a psychiatrist visit found 3 more diagnosis. This was critical to my recovery. I could for example get all the right meds for depression but they wouldnt have addressed the anxiety, dysthymia and bipolar type 2.! Now, I'm so well I can post here and help others.

All the best. Any question pelase post again. We all keep an eye on these posts.

sola · ‎29-05-2014

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

-- Gautama Buddha

I am asking you to take a moment and think about these quotes.

Be kind to yourself,

I'm sending you a big e-hug and lots of calming happy vibes.

Sola

HelenM · ‎30-05-2014

Hi Yesse

It's not unusual to hate yourself in depression and given that you're low for much of the time it's understandable. The trouble is negative thoughts such as these feed depression. For many years, even before depression, I hated myself and on my worst days 'I hate myself' is the most automatic statement for me.

I actually don't think you need to be confident to make friends. I think you have to meet the right person/people. My manager and a few of us mix together and she is amazed because she's never had friends. She's very under confident and going through a bad time. I would say that because others in our group have had mental health problems we totally accept her, not out of sympathy but because she's a lovely person.

I don't feel this answer is really adequate and I'm sorry if it's not really helpful. I haven't used the site a lot but it certainly seems a supportive, friendly site.

By the way, have you received any counselling. I think that you might benefit from that.

Take care, Debs

yesse · ‎30-05-2014

thanks for the reply mare.

i have seen a physchologist for 4 years and it hasnt helped a lot as in my mind i feel like the only connection i can make is with someone that i have to pay.

i was on anti depressants for the last year of hsc but i didnt take them for very long mainly because i felt they didnt work most likely due to the recreational drug use i was participating in. And yes i know that that would not help at all but im 19 now and its mainly what my friends do even though i try stay away from it.

thankyou for your support it is much appreciated and i will update if i can manage to string together some sort of connection in this state

yesse · ‎30-05-2014

hey white night thanks for the reply and welcome

i can give you an example of why i hate myself by what happened to me today. the only real reason i wake up is because i like to go to the gym, its the only hope i have of one day not hating myself and maybe looking more attractive to the opposite sex.

And today there was this wonderful girl absoloutely gorgeous and she basically followed me around the gym and eyed me down for most of my time there. i dont think im good looking at all or anything but in this occasion there is no doubt in my mind that she wanted me to talk to her, she even talked to me asking me if i didnt mind her working out next to me... and of course i didnt say anything.

And i know that i would prefer the feeling of well that didnt went well then the deep feelings of regret im feeling now, but this is an example of why i

hate myself so much.

Hopefully shes there tomorrow because ive already geared myself up to talk to her no matter what. But if she isnt ill just hate my self more and this wont help for any of my future endeavours.

im very happy to hear about your recovery white knight, i remember that when i first felt

my depression at 15 i remember crying to my mum and telling her that i had heard that once you had depression you have it forever. Im glad this is not always the case!

yesse · ‎30-05-2014

great quotes sola thanks for the ehugs i send them right back

and yes helen i agree that i hate myself is my automatic statement, and i try not to say it but for some reason its like i like saying it.. and i hate it ahaha i know this sounds wierd but thats really how it is 😞

thanks for reply either way it helps knowing that there are people out there who i could still get along with

and yes for 4 years i have recieved couselling

yesse · ‎30-05-2014

hey white knight id like to start by saying that im very happy to hear of your recovery i remember when i first felt depression when i was 15 and told my mum about it i told her i heard that once you have it you have it forever, im glad that thats not the case!

if you really want to know the reasons i believe i hate myself they number in the many. but i could put down the main ones to this.

1. being the first member in my family (immigrants from spain) to be put through really expensive high schools i had hopes of getting good marks and becoming somebody. but when my mum died any hopes of that went to **** and i couldnt focus my attention or do anything, after failing school i can only just scrape into uni in a course i dont want to do and i feel like ive failed.

2. The last day i saw my mum before she went to Sierra Leone (worked for the un over there) she was crying and begging me to ask her to stay, and i replied saying "dont worry mum you do whatever makes you happy" 4 months later she fell into a coma and died from malaria in paris. I remember the last thing i texted her was asking for money.

3. My brother is a pot fiend and marijuana has ruined his life like more then one would imagine with the medias portrayal of it, and i continue to indulge myself to it when i know perfectly where the road leads (havent smoked for 3 months now but its very hard when its everywhere around you especially in your family)

and then obviously my day to day regrets of stuffing up a chance with being able to make a connection with a girl due to my low confidence and self hate and every time something like this happen it perpetuates the cycle of my self hate.

thanks for listening once again

pleasebehappy · ‎31-05-2014

I definitely understand what you are going through. I used to hate myself too. I wouldn't look into the mirror or take photos. When I walked on the street, I couldn't hold my chin up because I was ashamed of every single element of myself. I even went to a psychologist, didn't help (maybe she just wasn't suitable for me). After three years' struggle, I have finally found a way out of this despair. I told myself, 'I deserve to have a better life than those who tried to hurt me, and hating myself just makes it even more fun for those people to pick on me'. Easier said than done. So I decided to practise how to smile. Yes I did! I practised how to smile in front of a mirror every single night. Sounds stupid I know, but it worked. Eventually, although I was still a girl with low confidence, I have learnt to smile, especially at those who cared and loved me. I even learnt to smile at those who hurt me. Because at the end of the day, one smile costs nothing, but it brings you and those around you happiness.

I still have my dark days, you know... I still cry for no reason and put on a depressed face when I go to work. But everyone has mood swings! If people cannot accept the face that you have emotions, including bad ones, they are not your real friends.

Sounds corny, but you will start to realise that a lot of people appreciate your kindness once you accept who you are.